Paying rent for 17 year old stepdaughter
I need to know if I'm wrong to feel this way. I have a 17 yr old stepdaughter and just found out that my husband and his ex are both pitching in money for their 17 year old to move out and live with 2 other girls. She has no job and has not graduated from high school. She started doing online classes last year so she was able to see her mom more when in fact she only went about 3 times to see her mom. At the start if last summer she had not finished her jr year. She told her dad if he doesn't do this for her in another 6 months she'll be 18 and move out anyways. I was so angry over this and told him he was an unfit dad and lazy because it was easier for him to pay her rent than to deal with her. She has never had any supervision. Dad gave her a car and she takes off for days at a time. He said "I trust her" well of course you do when you have no idea what she is doing. I found alcohol in her room and she acted like I had no right to be in her room when I was only in there to get back something she took of mine. She told me her mom bought it for her (like it should be ok if her mom bought it for her) I said keep it at your moms then. My husband and I are on the verge of divorce right now over this. He says I just hate his daughter. That is not true!! I have expectations for my kids (biological & step) I would not do this for my own children. If you can't help pay your rent then you shouldn't move out. Help!!! Should I feel this way and how do I handle this situation??
I think you're perfectly
I think you're perfectly right in thinking this is wrong. Her parents are taking the easy way out and would rather cut her loose than parent her. They are making a big mistake!
Thank you!! Someone else said
Thank you!! Someone else said they were raising her to be strong and independent. Independent adults pay their own rent.
I'm so sorry for you
I'm so sorry for you Lspriggs. I don't know if you've ever read anything from the Adult Stepchildren Forum but the enabling issue can continue a lifetime. In my house DH is a huge enabler of SD but not of SS . In DH's case once an enabler, always an enabler. Funny thing is that he doesn't see it the same way everyone else does. Even sadder is that it trickles down to the grandskids. With this attitude everyone feels entitled. My DH is a conservative and feels that people should work hard to take care of themselves, that is, everyone but SD.
I have 2 children of my own
I have 2 children of my own one being only 14. She sees all this going on and it's a bad example for her because I'm not going to let her get away with that. Should you divorce your husband because of his child?
Remember Donkey Island from
Remember Donkey Island from Pinocchio? Sounds like the biological parents here would rather send her there than keep on struggling with her.
I agree that the parents are abandoing the daughter. Seems like they both don't want her around, a theory the daughter may in fact be testing out for use later in the coming decades.
If she were an excellent scholar, having taken college-credit classes -- advance placement -- in high school and now were in college at 17, one might consider such a thing. But such a girl would probably not want to leave home as taking care of a house might take attention away from her studies and her probable ambition to be in graduate school by age 20. Unless your SD is that focused and hard-working girl, dont' go for it. And tell her why.
What kind of preparation is DONKEY ISLAND for the life of a grown-up who pays her own way in life on every level? The failure of many of the young to consider how long life is and how hard it is to be an adult is a big problem in so many families these days -- step and non-step. Nobody promised parents a rose garden....
I totally agree with you. If
I totally agree with you. If she was productive, good grades, graduated with goals and ambitions I wouldn't mind it so much but I don't want to pay for future mistakes. I agree this is the easy way of not dealing with her.
Wow, sounds like he's way off
Wow, sounds like he's way off track here. He shouldn't be paying for her rent, she'll never learn to make her own way. Is it worth getting divorced over? Is it his money that he's using or money that you've both agreed is money for the both of you? Is his problem with enabling affecting other areas of your relationship with him?
If she's not a big part of your life.
If he's not using your money or money that you've agreed together is for the two of you.
If his enabling is not affecting other areas of your life
...then I think it's worth sticking with it and working it out. And don't plan on having children with him. Adding more children to the mix would cause a lot of hardship.
No more children for me!! I
No more children for me!! I don't want a divorce but wish he would see how her actions are affecting us. He thinks I'm just picking on her and I don't like her. That's not true. But I'm great if I'm taking her shopping or out to eat. She would not even do dishes without a fight. My husband and I end up arguing over it because I don't think she needs to be reminder to do them or she just doesn't do them because she knows it will make me mad and them my 14 year old does th to avoid conflict. Ugh!!
Maybe I lived in a different
Maybe I lived in a different time. When I was old enough to get a job I did without someone telling me to. Why are kids nowadays so lazy??
Is it laziness? Sometimes I
Is it laziness? Sometimes I think they just feel entitled to a TV kind of life where work is an extension of family-style relationships and everyone has everything they want. Did the guys on 2 1/2 Men ever have a task to do? So many shows are like that. Reminiscing about being a teen-ager, my daughter said to me, "I just assumed that you were supposed to do whatever I asked and that I wasn't supposed to do anything for you." Parent as housekeeping staff / child as master of the house (and car etc.). It's not just step kids -- far from it. One thing's for sure: many of them don't grow out of the teenage phase. I suspect it's drugs. My crazed theory on marijuana is that it stops you evolving and growing, maybe makes kids retrogress to younger stages -- not in a nice way.
My daughter also once said to me that high school was supposed to be the happiest time of her life. I burst out laughing, "Who told you that?" In my memory, high school was the worst time of my life and later in college, most of my friends agreed. How could it be anything but horrible as you nervously face sexuality, needing a job, needing an education and so on. Not being very good at anything for a long time.
Your DH is shirking his
Your DH is shirking his responsibility towards his daughter. But he knows it, he doesn't need you to point it out to him. However he is never going to admit to you or anyone he is a crap parent hence when you point out all the things he is doing wrong. He defends himself as a parent by trying to deny anything is wrong with this situation. YOU just don't like her. See nothing wrong with him it's YOU. Now he's convinced himself of that, his conscience is clear. I actually feel sorry for his daughter. She has two parents actively trying to destroy her life just so they can keep her out of theirs.
Very true. She doesn't see it
Very true. She doesn't see it that way now, she's just going to have fun! And your so right. I've said my peace in the situation and I am definitely the bad guy. Only happy thoughts for me. I'm now figuring what I don't know won't hurt me and I don't want to know what she's doing.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A very
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A very loud AMEN Ebu!
Thank you!! I think I'm going
Thank you!! I think I'm going to find a meditation class or a big bottle if wine. Lol
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the feedback I've gotten. All your comments have helped me with this situation. Smile and be happy is all I can do!!
Lspriggs, well done. Only
Lspriggs, well done. Only involve yourself if she does something that impacts directly on you. Pick your battles, and if you don't have to battle don't. She has a mother and a father. Let them deal with the fallout. Protect yourself financially though, you don't want to be the one to have to pay all or part of her bail money when the time comes. Or any other debts she will incur.
Yes curlysue21 and in a
Yes curlysue21 and in a perfect world they would be. But who is going to make the complaint. Not the daughter who is virtually being paid to stay away from mum and dad. Daughter has got it too sweet, or so daughter and her friends think. I actually feel sorry for this kid. I agree with you, both parents are negligent. But as I said, who is going to report them.
Yes curlysue21 and in a
Yes curlysue21 and in a perfect world they would be. But who is going to make the complaint. Not the daughter who is virtually being paid to stay away from mum and dad. Daughter has got it too sweet, or so daughter and her friends think. I actually feel sorry for this kid. I agree with you, both parents are negligent. But as I said, who is going to report them.