I'm new, I've been a stepmum fulltime for 5 years and I need comfort

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Hello,

I wrote this long story of how I became a Step-Mum to my step-daughter... it was so long I was afraid no one would reply. So here's the gist:

- Met DH at 22 years old, he had a 1 and a half year old daughter. He lived with his parents, his Mum had a large hand in helping raise his child.
- I was a year into my degree, raised by parents who taught me independence, self sufficiency and self awareness.
- DH's ex is mother to his child, has a huge drinking problem, tried to kill herself, inherited £170,000 from dead parents in the last 8 years... there's not a penny left...SD came to live with us fulltime in the middle of our degrees. We both worked fulltime to pay for nursery fees... worked our asses off...
- DH's deemed unstable, DH and I took her to court and won residency of SD - very easy really as BioMum didn't show up.... had years of supervised visits with BM (AWKWARD) and then agreed to move to unsupervised visits... then unsupervised sleepovers at BM's (she often doesn't show up).
- 5 years later we live in a house with our two children, my DD who is 3, my DS who is 7months old and my large fulltime SD who is 8 but the size of a 13yogirl.
- My SD has suspected autism, has issues with volume control, fusses over foods, the sunlight in her eyes, textures on her skin, lies compulsively... massive story teller, highest IQ seen in a child of her age, she is SOOO intelligent but still sneaks around defying me at every turn she gets.
- MIL butts in and tells me to 'lower my standards and not be too hard on my SD... she is 8 years old, surely personal hygiene isn't a tall order? MIL clash when it comes to parenting styles and I have often found her undercutting my authority, now she's moved to doing it behind my back.
- BM HATES ME.. tells tall tales about me to my SD... causes more problems... doesn't discipline when SD stays with her...

I have a lot of people having a go at my parenting of this child and telling me to be more maternal towards this little girl, and I seem to be at fault for all of her issues... however on the other side I am reminded I am not her Biological Mum by being challenged regularly, questioned over parenting decisions and discipline...

They cannot have it both ways... and I feel like I'm being punished for not being particularly tactile with my SD. Our relationship has gone bad to worse and started decaying the moment my SD started having unsupervised visits with her BM at 6. She's 8 and a half now.

I feel screwed either way. If I treat SD like she's mine I'm too strict and blah blah blah...
If I'm distant and let DH take the main parental role I'm not giving SD the attention she needs as she acts up because she's desperate to be given attention... but that attention is bouncing off of the walls, rocking on chairs, breaking things, over hyperactivity, loudness... and all I get for trying to keep SD in check is 'Oh she's just a child'... SD stole from school TWICE and lies all the time... am I meant to ignore this behaviour? How do I when the attention grabbing drives me insane? Would cuddling SD help? How can I cuddle her when being around her makes my skin crawl? She's just so in your face and cripplingly insecure. She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear. SD has a secure and very tactile relationship with DH, it is sweet, she also has strong bonds with my DH's family, also my family have welcomed her like she was theirs. She gets treated like any of my kids would, she's just not as easy.

I'm a good Mum, I did the spellings, the running around, the discos, the laundry, decorated SD's room first when we moved to make her feel secure (we bought a house, the house was near to our old rented place, she didn't change schools or anything). I prioritise these child (Biological and not) all the bloody time and STILL SOMEHOW.. I am not fulfilling needs and it is my problem that my SD's behaviour irritates me..

I don't want to back off and let things go with my SD because I need to treat all of the kids equal right? Which means I feel aggravated when SD doesn't listen to me and doesn't do as she's told. And it is all within reason.

I'm in counselling and I feel as if the price I've had to pay to be with my soulmate, the man I love and have loved for 7 years is helping raise his daughter... and fuck me excuse the language but what a price tag... If SD left it would break my husband's heart. DH is running his own business and nailing it, he is so accomplished. We couldn't swap roles and I wouldn't want to, I want to raise my kids... it's just... her..

I have issues. And I already feel judged so please welcome me gently.

You will find comfort in a

You will find comfort in a huge glass of fine filled with ice cubes in the one hand and something stronger then camel smokes in the other hand.... works like a charm, not even a packet of Xanax have the same effect and if you mix the lot... it's the best

Hon you do not have a SD problem, you have a DH problem, he's not parenting his kid and he's not setting boundaries for his Mother... we've all been there...

Disengage would be your best bet http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html, no need to talk with DH about it, simply stop treating SD as your own, she's not she has a mother and a father...., stop doing things for SD, simply tell Dh to sort it out... it's not going to be easy at first but the sooner you get use to this the better you will feel...

If SD asks anything of you, smile and say - Ask your father sweety and then ignore her, this is not your child, this will never be your child, you are not responsible for her and you are not responsible for the person she will become..

FOcus on your 2 bio's and if DH gets pissy, smile and say, SD has a mother and a father, I'm neither deal with it

i agree problem is with dh.

i agree problem is with dh. i agree you should back off and that is what disengagement is.

I feel guilty for trying to

I feel guilty for trying to disengage though. To my face the SD licks my ass and seems to adore me... her behaviour is often for show though and I doubt her intentions.
I tried to blend her in and act as her Mother, filling the role of her BM. And now after 5 years of hell for my own sanity I need to stop... that's going to be so hard.

My husband is riddled with guilt and I don't think he understands how much resentment I have for all of this. My MIL is VERY difficult... my husband gave up drinking and I ran to her for support (my family live far away) and she basically told me he probably drinks because of the stress of the house (I.E. ME!)

The SD is half sister to my biokids, does that change disengagement?

Why do you feel guilty, SD is

Why do you feel guilty, SD is not your family hon, she's nothing to you and she can keep her fake friendly and shuff it up her ass...

You are making the same mistakes as we all did.... motherly instincts in over drive but you have to accept the fact that SD is not your child, you will never be her mother, she's got a mother.... so back off, do not worry about her anymore, why should you worry more about her then what her own parents worry? She's not your responsibility Hon.

Regarding Mil and any in-laws.... fake it till you make it, you never complain about the brat or your husband, you will never win this battle so avoid it, if they ask how are things, smile and say effing awesome... end of discussion..
Vent on this site, we are your new family and we do not care

SD being half sib to your kids... who cares, you are their mother you are not her mother, DH can parent her not you, you just teach your kids the way you want to and stuff SD... she's not your family and being your kids half sister still does not make her your family...

You can disengage from any person in this world, you disengage from people treating you like crap, we have posters here that has 2 step kids, they are disengaged from one and not the other... so it's possible... treat people the way they treat you, if they ignore you ignore them back.... if they do nothing for you, you do nothing for them, if they are fake friendly, you are fake friendly back...

I love this response. I love

I love this response. I love there's somewhere where I'm not Cinderella's evil step mother although I feel more like Cinderella trapped in my own home.

You are right. She's not my kid, she never has been and she certainly doesn't treat me like I'm her Mother. In fact the opposite, she's made it clear she will not follow orders from me...

I need to do some research into disengagement.

Thanks for flashing the light down the rabbit tunnel, I've been lost and digging away for 5 frigging years.

Fairy tales make SM's evil, I

Fairy tales make SM's evil, I live up to it...... no way you will convince people otherwise

Hon the only disengagement I ever studied is the link i posted in my original posting to you.... I still read it daily to keep me on track and it's been 3 years of 100% disengagement.

Sorry I'm super nerdy and

Sorry I'm super nerdy and read loads of articles on disengagement... one question, how do I handle my biokids next to my stepdaughter?
My responsibilities blur over.. for example they share a Grandma, Grandad and cousins, so they all get invited to birthday parties... I'm guessing I have to take all of the kids including SD, how would I handle Grandma spoiling SD and me not allowing my kids to do the same? For example Grandma lets SD eat crap... lots of crap as much as SD wants regardless of fruit and veg. I make my kids eat fruit and veg then they get the sweets... but if Grandma ignores me, won't my biochildren resent my SD for getting whatever she chooses or won't my kids resent me for not parenting my SD. My DH will unlikely be there as he works away a lot...

This is only a small example that I can't get my head around.

Thanks again for your replies xxx

They will resent your SD and

They will resent your SD and gran. It's how you handle it that smooths it over.

Mon said it so nicely.... I

Mon said it so nicely....

I am a b!tch - if skid did not want to eat something I ignored it but my bio had to eat his fruit and veg...
he would complain why do I have to and her not... I smile and say, cause I'm her mother and not hers....

Your kids will never recent you.... they might dislike SD and Granma... but then it's not your problem Hon, they brought it over themselves, you had nothing to do with it.

I love this response. I love

I love this response. I love there's somewhere where I'm not Cinderella's evil step mother although I feel more like Cinderella trapped in my own home.

You are right. She's not my kid, she never has been and she certainly doesn't treat me like I'm her Mother. In fact the opposite, she's made it clear she will not follow orders from me...

I need to do some research into disengagement.

Thanks for flashing the light down the rabbit tunnel, I've been lost and digging away for 5 frigging years.

We have only entertained

We have only entertained autism for the last 6 months as her behavior got worse... it takes 18 months in the UK to get the issue brought to the specialists and we are on a long waiting list... 18 months I've got of this... 18 months..

I am reading books and the more I read the more I suspect Aspergers .. but the lying I believe is behavioral

What's worse is the teachers helping me with my SD told my husband they want to repair the relationship between me and my SD and told me to do this by 'not sweating the small stuff' so basically ignoring the behavior. To me disengagement feels like the only way forward but for a kid that doesn't see the problem in wearing dirty clothes every day and has a head full of unbrushed hair and bad teeth I'm partly scared I'll be blamed for her appearance and I'm worried I'll be accused of putting all my efforts into my biokids and not her.

Thanks for responding, to you and everyone.

That's how stepparenting is.

That's how stepparenting is. You somehow become the scapegoat sometimes. You have all the responsibility to makeup for BM yet not step on her toes. It's strange. In my opinion, your DH needs to put a stop to any talk about you and your role in the household. It needs to be HIM who tells his family, especially MIL, that it's YOUR house and you will parent how it works best. He needs to remind everyone that it's either you or the mess of a BM, and you're doing a much better job than her.

I found at the beginning, my husband's family would have higher expectations of me than either bio parent and I finally told him, this needs to stop. I'm not okay with having higher expectations placed on me than either of you - especially deadbeat BM. And MIL telling you what to do? That needs to stop. Your husband needs to put limits on things... She needs to know that she is a grandparent, not a parent.

I always told my husband that we will behave like an intact family and if anyone tries to do or say anything that suggests otherwise, they will be talked to about it. How can you treat all children as your own if you've got people judging and watching everything you do for SD? They wouldn't be able to do that if she was yours biologically. If you explain it to your husband in the right way, he'll see that your intentions are for SD to feel like part of the family.

Being part of the family means being raised the same way all the other bio kids are raised. There are no exceptions, otherwise, SD will be the one who's hurt and alienated in the end. Even if she's given MORE slack than anyone else, it's going to hurt to know she's given more slack because she's the child of divorce. Talk to your husband. He's the problem right now.

If he doesn't want to talk to MIL and anyone else making comments, than you need to decide if you're willing to stick around. I'm sorry to say, but he's your husband and he needs to put you and your family first. It sounds like you want what's best for SD.

You bring up some valid

You bring up some valid points. Thanks for the insightful response...

I suppose deep down I believe my husband agrees with them - his attitude is 'what is the big deal if she is a bit dirty?'
He doesn't think like I do. I think that's why he doesn't stick up to the family who comment... and that will backlash when my SD is suspected of Aspergers and already thinks 'what's the big deal?' to brushing her teeth... she'll have none left by her 30s...

He see's there's a problem between me and the SD and doesn't know how to fix it.

You bring up some valid

You bring up some valid points. Thanks for the insightful response...

He see's there's a problem between me and the SD and doesn't know how to fix it.

Damned if you do and damned

Damned if you do and damned if you don't? Ah, you're a stepmother. Here's the badge.

Tell your dh she's either an equal child in your house where you have full authority over all kids and no bs from grammas, etc. Or you are not her parent at all and he needs to find day care for her. No, daycare cannot be gramma's where she will be spoiled all afternoon and come home to wreak havoc after dark at your house.

Gramma is a nutjob. No personal hygiene at 8 years old? When, exactly, do humans start requiring hygiene? I thought it was in the delivery room, myself.

First order of business -- stop feeling guilty. You are caught in a vice -- you can only save yourself. If your dh wants to partner with you better you together can do good things for that girl. But without him backing you up and getting his own mother off your case then you can do nothing but remove yourself from the danger zone.

Oh! I forgot! "possibly

Oh! I forgot!

"possibly autistic" + "lies compulsively" = magical math

These 2 things do not go together. Autistic children are compulsively honest. They may have an imaginative moment where they say "I think the restaurant burned down" like my ss did when he didn't want to go. But that is materially different from chronic, real lies.

Some of the other issues you mentioned sound a bit spectrum-y but I would say that possibility is negated by the lying problem.

We have only entertained

I think the lying is a coping mechanism... she can't handle the reaction when the truth is found out so she'll lie until she's blue in the face and kicking stuff - even when it's obvious she's lying

The autistic children I know

The autistic children I know just go straight to meltdowns when they are anticipating something negative. The lying would take soooooooooo much effort it would be very draining and more upsetting, usually, than the original problem.

If you have 18 months to wait anyway I would start researching other potential diagnostic fits and sign up for those waiting lists.

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I'm new, I've been a stepmum fulltime for 5 years and I need comfort