Where on Earth do I begin.....I apologize in advance if this is long; but I need some advice and I need to vent.
My husband and I married about 5 years ago - when we were engaged and even when we were first married my SD was not really even any priority in his life what so ever. She didn't even come to our wedding. I stepped up to the plate and made contact with her and began a positive relationship with her. She became more involved in our lives; but not really to any great extent. It will be 2 years ago in June that her mom passed away from breast cancer when my SD was 17. Because there was so much toxicity between my husband and his ex-wife the plan was that when she passed my SD would go and live with some of her mom's friends. I put my foot down with my husband and said there is no way that he should let that happen that she was his daughter and he needed to be a huge part of her life even more that she was not going to have her mom. My SD moved in with us about a week before her mom passed.
Things were fine. I attempted several times to get her into counseling, not pushing her, but knowing that she really needed someone to talk to. I made donations to cancer funds in her mom's name, I've decorated her mom's grave, I've baked cupcakes to celebrate her mom's birthday. I have tried extremely hard to honor her mom in any way that I can think of and to show my SD that I cared. In the meantime, the relationship that I had with my SD was overall positive. Up until her 18th Birthday.
We planned a trip to go to see her favorite baseball team play and visit one of the colleges that she was looking at. I had family in the area who ended up getting us free tickets to the game and a cousin who showed her the in and out of the college campus. But the whole enitre trip I got nothing but attitude, no thank you's, NOTHING! She acted like a spoiled brat the entire trip - like it was horrible that we didn't roll out the red carpet for her.
When we returned home, I told her how much her behavior hurt me and how disrespectful it was. She spouted back with even more disrespect and hurtful things blaming it all on me. I went into complete defense mode and I know that I took it out on my husband; but on one hand, I felt that it was part of his duty to stop the horrible behavior. He said nothing.
I have been bashed on Facebook, text messages, to other people. She has gone to her grandparents and aunt and told them how horrible I am to the point where they have showed up at my house and accosted me for treating her so bad. I guess here would be a good mention that what my SD has told me how I have treated her bad was that I have stomped upstairs while she is downstairs. That's it. Stupid right? I just got to a point where I didn't even talk to her - didn't care to be in the same room as her - just completely shut down.
My husband hasn't stood up for me in any way and any time I ask him about things, he gets upset and angry with me. He gave me an ultimatum and told me that I needed talk to her and be nice to her or that our relationship would end. Obviously with this I became defensive but determined that I wasn't about to let a spoiled brat ruin my marriage. So I did as I was asked - and you guessed it - ABSOLUTLY NO CHANGE in my SD.
My final breaking point was that I had come home from work and there she sat with grandma to yell at me for vacuming her room and moving her stuff out of MY sewing room. I had also did her laundry to show a little bit of "niceness" and to help her out. All I got was crapped on. And grandma being there was just like adding salt to the wound.
I called bawling to my husband. We sat down and I told him that I couldn't take this any longer, that there had to be some rules layed down. I guess I should have mentioned that we have paid for absolutly everything - car, cell phone, insurance, food, utilities - everything while she collects $952 from Social Security through Death benefits - doesn't have a job and hasn't graduated from school. She takes on-line high school; but works on it just whenever she feels like. She is lazy and does not clean any part of the house. Doesn't take care of her dog. Looking back - part of that is our fault for not setting those things up in the beginning.
We laied out rules and told her that since she was 18 she had the choice to either follow them or she needed to find somewhere else to live. Well she moved out for a week. Then came back.
Nothing has changed. My husband won't tell me anything that is going on. He has allowed for some of the rules to slip through. I wasn't even asked if she could come back. She has been here a week and still has yet to say one word to me.
I am so frustrated!!!! My husband doesn't seem to care one bit and is allowing his daughter to rule everything. We have been to counseling....but he quit going after the 2nd appointment. I still am being bashed on Facebook. My in-laws won't even speak two words to me. I have had enough! Please.....if there is anyone out there that can help me talk through some things or even have any ideas on what to do....I am open to anything!