Where on Earth do I begin.....I apologize in advance if this is long; but I need some advice and I need to vent.

My husband and I married about 5 years ago - when we were engaged and even when we were first married my SD was not really even any priority in his life what so ever. She didn't even come to our wedding. I stepped up to the plate and made contact with her and began a positive relationship with her. She became more involved in our lives; but not really to any great extent. It will be 2 years ago in June that her mom passed away from breast cancer when my SD was 17. Because there was so much toxicity between my husband and his ex-wife the plan was that when she passed my SD would go and live with some of her mom's friends. I put my foot down with my husband and said there is no way that he should let that happen that she was his daughter and he needed to be a huge part of her life even more that she was not going to have her mom. My SD moved in with us about a week before her mom passed.

Things were fine. I attempted several times to get her into counseling, not pushing her, but knowing that she really needed someone to talk to. I made donations to cancer funds in her mom's name, I've decorated her mom's grave, I've baked cupcakes to celebrate her mom's birthday. I have tried extremely hard to honor her mom in any way that I can think of and to show my SD that I cared. In the meantime, the relationship that I had with my SD was overall positive. Up until her 18th Birthday.

We planned a trip to go to see her favorite baseball team play and visit one of the colleges that she was looking at. I had family in the area who ended up getting us free tickets to the game and a cousin who showed her the in and out of the college campus. But the whole enitre trip I got nothing but attitude, no thank you's, NOTHING! She acted like a spoiled brat the entire trip - like it was horrible that we didn't roll out the red carpet for her.

When we returned home, I told her how much her behavior hurt me and how disrespectful it was. She spouted back with even more disrespect and hurtful things blaming it all on me. I went into complete defense mode and I know that I took it out on my husband; but on one hand, I felt that it was part of his duty to stop the horrible behavior. He said nothing.

I have been bashed on Facebook, text messages, to other people. She has gone to her grandparents and aunt and told them how horrible I am to the point where they have showed up at my house and accosted me for treating her so bad. I guess here would be a good mention that what my SD has told me how I have treated her bad was that I have stomped upstairs while she is downstairs. That's it. Stupid right? I just got to a point where I didn't even talk to her - didn't care to be in the same room as her - just completely shut down.

My husband hasn't stood up for me in any way and any time I ask him about things, he gets upset and angry with me. He gave me an ultimatum and told me that I needed talk to her and be nice to her or that our relationship would end. Obviously with this I became defensive but determined that I wasn't about to let a spoiled brat ruin my marriage. So I did as I was asked - and you guessed it - ABSOLUTLY NO CHANGE in my SD.

My "I am 10 miles beyond done with this crap" point was that I had come home from work and there she sat with grandma to yell at me for vacuming her room and moving her stuff out of MY sewing room. I had also did her laundry to show a little bit of "niceness" and to help her out. All I got was crapped on. And grandma being there was just like adding salt to the wound.

I called bawling to my husband. We sat down and I told him that I couldn't take this any longer, that there had to be some rules layed down. I guess I should have mentioned that we have paid for absolutly everything - car, cell phone, insurance, food, utilities - everything while she collects $952 from Social Security through Death benefits - doesn't have a job and hasn't graduated from school. She takes on-line high school; but works on it just whenever she feels like. She is lazy and does not clean any part of the house. Doesn't take care of her dog. Looking back - part of that is our fault for not setting those things up in the beginning.

I guess I should tell a bit about my husband. He is 15 years older than I and I am his 3rd marriage. He comes across being this big giant mean person; but is nothing but a wuss on the inside. We bought my SD a car with the agreement that when she turned 18 she would begin to pay for it. Well, he made the deal with her that once she graduated high school, she would pay for it. Well she will be 19 in June and still hasn't graduated from her on-line high school classes that she works on whenever she feels like it and has no job and no other responsibiliies. Our insurance has gone up because she has had crappy grades.

Everything that I have voiced to him as my concerns or feelings, he seems to ignore. He has had SEVERAL conversations with her about her needing to focus more on school and not be so lazy and to quit the "woe is me" crap on Facebook and that if she had a problem wih something that she needed to address it to him or I instead of running to every Tom, Dick, or Harry telling them the story. He has told her that she needed to be more respectful of me and not just walk past me and not say a word or not say anything when she enters the house and walk right past me. Yeah - all those "conversations" have gone out the window. He told her that if she didn't tell him where she was going, that she would get her car taken away. 2 weeks ago, she wasn't here and I asked where she was and his reply was "I Don't know". I asked if that ment she got her car taken away and he said no. So - blatent disregard for the rules and absolutly no punishment for not following them.

We have tried to work together and come up with rules. I thought we did a pretty darn good job. We told her these rules:
1. She needed to work on her school work 7 hours a day.
2. She needed to get a job.
3. She was to get her dog a haircut.
3. Every Monday she was to dust an vacume the family room.
4. Every Monday she was to have her room clean.
5. She is to tell her dad where she is going.
6. She is to not walk out of the house - right past me - and not say a word.
7. She is to have respect for our household and the members of it.

Yep - still paying for everything, that we are. Even though she receives $953/month from Social Security Death Benefits. While my husband and I live pay check to pay check and we both work 40+ hours a week.

Well she decided that she didn't want to follow our rules so she moved out. I wanted to throw a pary; but I knew it wouldn't last. During the time she was gone, there was no stress and my husband and I had a fantastic week!

She called her dad after she had been gone 5 days and asked him to meet her for dinner (which he paid). She asked him if she could come back. I was at a class, so was not a part of the conversation. He told he that it was fine but the rules were the rules and that wasn't going to change. He assured me that there was no possible way that any of the rules that were set forth weren't clearly understood and addressed and that if any of the rules weren't followed, then she would be finding somewhere else to live yet again. He also relayed to me that he told her that she better not come back without the dog having a haircut. At that point we didn't know what she was going to do - either stay away or come back.

Well, I came home from work and found my SD bags on the floor. I asked my husband if she was back and he said yes. He got the message from her at 2 in the afternoon and didn't even tell me. Didn't even tell me when I walked in the door. Didn't say one word to me.

Then.......I see the dog. Just as shaggy as ever, clearly didn't get a haircut. I asked him about it and he said he didn't know. I repeated what he had said to me about that she better not come home without the dog having a haircut and his reponse was "well maybe she has an appointment made". He didn't even know if the dog had an appointment - I made him call her right on the spot and ask what was up with the dog's haircut. She had made an appointment but it was going to take a week to get it in. At this point I am all sorts of confused.....I thought it was one of OUR rules that we had made together. I thought that there was no way that any of the rules could not have been explained fully. He got pissed and decided to pack his bag and leave.

I have asked my husband to communicate with me - tell me what is going on. But every day this week I have had to ask him how far she has gotten in her school work - how long she worked on it - where was she - had she turned in any applications. I admitted to him that I wasn't ready for her to come back - Hell I wasn't even asked if she could come back. I wasnt involved in any conversation. And here I sit - still yet to have her say one flipping word to me - not even as a Hi, Bye, Please,Thank you, or Kiss my ass. I told my husband that I needed re-assurance from him that the rules were going to be enforced/followed. I have trusted him to enforce them as a promise to our marriage.

I feel so betrayed. I don't feel like any priority in his life. I am hated by his daughter. My in-laws won't even speak to me. I know that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't know what to do....I don't know what to say to my husband to make him see what her behavior is doing to our marriage and his lack-luster approach to everything is making it even worse. Help me someone!