ScapeGoat
So, I moved in with my now husband (we were engaged at the time) a lil over a year ago. His 16 yr old was all for it at the time. She spent lil to no time with Mom (had been that way since Mom left Dad and kids over 10 yrs ago). So preparing to move im (since they lived a bachelor life), I wanted organization and wanted the house clean. Mind you, they had dogs who were NOT potty trained and I wanted carpets cleaned etc. I know I know, I'm such a horrible person. I PERSONALLY DEEP CLEANED EVERY ROOM BUT HERS of that house, scrubbing every inch of that house because trust me IT NEEDED IT. Both were slobs! Fast Forward I move my things in. I asked her several times to deep clean her room since the odor of dog was spewing from her room. She kept claiming it was "her room" and she would "Clean it when she had time" This is a child who did what she wanted and ran the show for many many years. I bought all new dishes and silverware, etc and would find it in her room with nasty food on it, etc. And she would confront my husband about me going into her room and how that was her domain. There was dog crap on the floor, DOG CRAP! She is 16 at the time. So I said if the dog crapping and peeing is such an issue that she can't take care of the dog then at night, the dog needs kenneled down stairs with the other dog that was having issues with the same. Oh, WWIII began! I was the worst person ever!!! So because I asked her to do chores (clean HER room, clean HER bathroom, and help with dishes ONE night a week) I'm a horrible person.
She then decides to move in with her mom because Dad now makes her go to school every day and she doesn't run the household and actually has to do normal things and can't throw a tantrum like she is used to. Enters MIA mom, she was making C's and above, since moved in with mom, Straight F's, no rules, even got picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and drinking at a local school. LMAO. Did she get any consequences......NOPE! Mom claims she will "Shut down" if any rules or consequences are imposed. This child was out of control to begin with, now she has quit school, smokes weed with Mom and Mom's bf, drinks with Mom and Mom's bf, and now that Dad/my husband decideshe wants to make sure she graduates, Mom/Ex-wife says I am the reason she is this way. LMAO! Ex wife/Mom is a doozie herself tho. Won't work, didn't pay her child support, always ALWAYS the victim, don't even get me started on being accountable for ANYTHING, and she wants to blame me as the problem for the simple fact that I asked a 16 year old to pick up dog crap DOG CRAP that was on her floor. Fast forward, she hasn't been back bc and is running Mom's show over there. So in a years time, this child has quit school, won't do a darn thing she is asked, is rude, only calls or texts when she wants money or food or a ride, no job, no Driver's License, no education and Mom/Ex-wife blames me. Umm I haven't seen your kid but twice in a years time (HOW IS THIS MY FAULT)!
So my husband/Dad gets involved and tells mom she needs to get daughter in school or he is this week, period. That he is done with jacking with it. So Mom/ex-wife has older daughter tell Dad she doesn't want her boyfriend involved (we asked to have a meeting just the adults to get on the same page, how horrible of us huh). She uses the older daughter to tell Dad what is needed, like more $, etc. She refuses to communicate with my husband, unsure why. She claims it's anxiety. Whatever!
Fast forward to last night, Husband/Dad contacts Ex-wife/Mom says ok fine you don't have to bring him (he has been in the picture 8 years and is the provider of that household) and her response is that I am the problem now. Seriously? I'm the problem, I don't even jack with her, her choice and no one makes this entitled child do anything she don't want. So does my husband say anything back? NOPE! I asked if he believed that bc she claims I'm the issue bc we got married so fast? WHAT?! No matter what I do, if I buy anything, it isn't right! I am to give ONLY CASH! And then the amt is never enough. So I just stopped altogether! But now I'm the issue bc I married my husband. And she has been gone the last year and that's when things went from bad to horrendous, how am I to blame? And when my husband says, he won't defend it bc he doesn't want to upset ex wife and make it worse?
Is it bad I want to be like, fine then, but I'm done trying to get her involved with the activities we do for the older daughter that I get along with great with. Please advise!
It seems you married "down".
It seems you married "down". These two parents and their kid were content living a low class, low standards lifestyle that included your lazy, non parenting H raising his daughter in conditions C.P.S. would have found interesting. The fact his house was in disgusting shape was a red flag indicating deeper problems, and you should not have been the one to clean it. Nevertheless, you moving in with your very different ways created a culture clash. You have been the catalyst for change, so that makes you the bad guy, the evil SM, and the scapegoat.
I'm guessing you're Type A - highly organized, motivated, a person who can be relied upon to handle any problem? You saw what needed doing, and jumped in. Your H probably thought "Great! She's the whole package! She'll take care of everything and make my life much easier." But in steplife you have to know what your role is and isnt, and you have to stay in your own lane. You made the classic mistake many of us have: assuming you know what's best and trying to fix something you didn't break. You overfunctioned.
Here's the cold truth: it's not your job to change, fix, facilitate, manage, or otherwise interfere in the way your H raises his kid or interacts with BM. If he asks you to, he's wrong and setting you up to fail. This Failed Family have their own (slovenly, low class, cr@ppy) dynamic going, and if your H wanted his daughter to be better parented, he should have done that himself. She's almost an adult, and you're not going to change her.
You need to completely step back from SD and BM. They're your H's baggage to deal with, and it's harder to scapegoat someone who isn't putting herself in the crosshairs. Focus only on your marriage, your home, and keeping that poorly parented girl out of your life. I would be more concerned about what kind of man your H is, and whether you can ever be happy with someone with such low standards.
And this is why it doesn't
And this is why it doesn't work for a stepparent to move in and become the "New Sheriff In Town." You moved in and started demanding rules and chores that her bio parents didn't care about - can you honestly not see why she blames you?
Telling her to pick up after
Telling her to pick up after her dog and herself? At 16? Are you serious right now? I wasn't the NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, but I wasn't the freaking maid or her personal servant either. I guess I'll take this one for not wanting dog crap on the floor and pee. Don't worry I told him CPS would have a hay day with this. But I guess at BM since dog lives there now, still the same issues, but BM picks up after the dog so SD doesn't have to be stressed out with it. But either way, not my carpets so IDC. Lol.
No. It's not about that - it
No. It's not about that - it's about coming in and changing how they live and making her do chores that she'd never done before with either parent. Then telling her how she had to keep her room and couldn't sleep with her dog anymore. The dog crap was just one part of the changes you insisted on making.
Honestly, why did you move in with a guy who allowed his animals to crap all over the house? Was that not a red flag?
You can't come in and parent step- teenagers like YOU think it should be done.
**And when Mom goes to jail,
**And when Mom goes to jail, is it wrong, I'm going to put my foot down and not allow her to live with us? Not a week, not a month, NOT AT ALL! I'm sick of the scape goat disrectful way of living.**
Unfortunately, this IS wrong. This is a minor child, and her father has an obligation to her. Where do you expect her to go when her mother is in jail if not with her father? That doesn't mean YOU have to live with them, or that he should tolerate her disrespect and filth while she's there.
Unfortunately, this is a problem that existed long before you were in the picture. Your husband is a lousy parent and he and his ex have raised an unlikeable, messy, disrespectful failure of a child. It's not at all surprising that she blames you for the changes that were imposed on her and her lifestyle. YOU imposed them, not her parents. If you had not come along, she could live the carefree, slovenly, barely getting by lifestyle she had previously enjoyed. (Not that I blame you - I couldn't live for 15 minutes in a house filled with animal excrement, filth and a disrespectful kid, and would never have moved in there). But blame the parents, not the child, and in the future leave the parenting to your husband. His daughter doesn't want another parent. Your best bet might be to live separately until his daughter is 18, and for heaven's sake stop subsidizing your husband and his failed first family.
First off, living in that
First off, living in that kind of filth and me coming in to clean it up and set some boundaries that CLEARLY needed set, I guess if I am to blame for that then so be it, and yes I'm type A and extremely motivated, which sometimes to a fauly.
My husband literally let his dtr do whatever she wanted when she wanted and how she wanted. It was pretty sad. IDK maybe I wanted a family again, especially after losing my husband in our motorcycle accident, I wanted the family atmosphere, but I see now how this has quickly turned chaotic. I know I did everything with the best of intentions and out of love. I never asked her to do something she wasn't capable of doing or that my children weren't expected to do as well. Either way, I'm still the scape goat and as I am seeing, my husband is no victim in this either.
I am extremely accountable person for actions and hold my kiddos to the floor as well. My kids aren't perfect, but I'm not flying in to save them from consequences that apparently they need to learn, to actually learn the lesson. I coddled them after their Daddy passed away, we all kind of coddled each other actually, my kids swooped up and helped mend me back to health and take care of their brother since I could barely move. And now my children are watching this "Sh!t Show" (as my son calls it) and says how do these people even think life works that way. I tell him all the time, it catches up with them and limits their possibilities in life until they open their minds to accountability, and reality and responsibility.
As far as my husband, he isn't a slob any longer. He even helps pick up the house etc. But I'm seeing "victim symptoms" like he wants taken care of and makes things about finances (he wants a new truck, he wants a new house, etc) and I'm like WORK FOR IT! Be the example! I have 2 jobs, and go to school and still do majority of the cleaning and all the cooking. I still have one child (mine) who lives at home and helps out when prompted, but hey still helps and I'll take it.
Thank you everyone for your support and I am extremely opened minded. I feel used by my husband, his kids, etc. And as far as BM.....her latest demand...... me not be involved.........not a prob. HOWEVER, when she wants something bought for that kid that HUSBAND cannot afford.......do not look my way! I still laugh when I recall her telling my husband that I needed to pay for the child's cell phone and that was the least we could do. AND HE DID, til I told him NO MORE! She doesn't run my budget nor gets a say in it. I'm not obligated to that child is stance I am taking from here on out and that means emotionally, physically, mentally and ESPECIALLY financially.
The boundaries needed to be
The boundaries needed to be set, but HE needed to set them. The fact that he didn't for 16 years of his life says that he doesn't value them like you do.
Definitely do not buy anything for the kid, not your job.
I like the cut of your jib,
I like the cut of your jib, OP. You're a great addition to StepTalk.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your first husband. You're a very strong woman to have survived that, and that strength will serve you well in the future.
You're not the first widow/widower who chose their next partner poorly. It's healthy that you're able to examine what drew you to your present H so you don't make the same mistake again.
Honestly? I think you should consider moving out and just dating him. It's unfortunate to put you bio through all this, but you both have minor kids and VERY different parenting styles. See if it's YOU he wants, or a sugar mama who'll do the heavy lifting.
When you walk into a mess, it
When you walk into a mess, it's natural to want to clean it up. Whether it's an actual disgusting pig sty of a house, like in your case, or a figurative mess.
In my case it was 2 BMs, 4 kids, no schedule, BM enmeshed with SO and his whole family, kids cosleeping into their 20s (now that's gross!), and absolutely no personal space, privacy, or boundaries.
I did like you, and tried to impose some order. I did not move in, though, but somehow i'm still a scapegoat. The extended family now blame me for the awful court battle my SO is in, even though it started over money, which wasn't even one of my complaints. My one positive is that when i want, i can go home to my peaceful (but ironically usually messy lol) house.
Since you are married, that doesn't sound like much of an option, but since SD is 16, maybe you could talk with your DH about her launch plans and try to somewhat disengage in the meantime. I wouldn't settle for feces on the floor, but maybe let SD's room go, as long as the door is closed.
If your DH is on the same page as far as being willing to make a plan for her being independent at some point within the next few years, even if it means helping her financially during the transition. Could she go to college and live in a dorm? Work and live in an apartment with roommates if college is not for her? She is getting older and that is the one positive in your situation.
Your intentions were good.
Your intentions were good. Everything you did for DH and SD came from a good place.
I think what the above posters are trying to help you understand is that what you are doing is perfectly normal and natural.
The problem is that you entered a level of dysfunction that existed for many years, each player being comfortable thier roles in that dysfunction and you disrupted that.
What is normal to you is not normal to them. DH is willing to make changes because he loves you not because he inherently wants to change. If you were not in the picture DH would still be the same, the dynamic between SD, BM and DD would be the same.
None of them see anything wrong with who they are or how they live. So from their perspective you are the problem.
Why would you care that these
Why would you care that these waists of skin think all fo this is your fault? I would celebrate it rather than letting it bother me.
Let this kid stew in her own stench and the stench of her idiot mother. Not in your home, not your problem.
She is nearly 18 and her defiance of standards makes her a write off.
So, write her off and leaver her written off. Let your DH know that if he continues to facilitate either BM or SD-16 detracting from your lives that you will be looking for a partner who knows how to prioritize a marriage over idiot Xs and idiot children.
Good luck.