New Here - I'm a mess!
Have been with my husband "C" for 10 years, married for 5. SD is 15. She is all the normal things you would expect from a teenager, but her BM is a self centered, lazy, horrible mom that just feeds the cycle. SD has always been an avg student, but in 7th grade began failing eveything, giving up on sports she has always enjoyed, etc... She needed braces, my husband took care of it, BM never went to single appointment. We decided she needed counseling (has been going 2 1/2 yrs) "C" and I have always taken her, had family sessions, joint sessions, individual sessions, etc...we've begged BM to go...she refuses. SD has been diagnosed with ADD, BM says (in front of SD) She doesn't have ADD, she's just F'n lazy. (BM has psychology degree btw).
SD decided to come live with us in April 08 after her BM's mother told ME that we needed to get SD out of that house because BM has addiction to pres. pain killers and valium, she said SD has no supervision, my SD's SF takes care of younger 1/2 sis but my SD is "not his responsibility" according to BGM. She moved in - MADE MY LIFE HELL FOR 16 Months. Turns out her mom had a tumor (non-canerous, had surgery and is now "back to normal")but it was what caused the pain killer issues, etc...Even though i know she has always smoked dope, and had trouble dealing with any stess without tranquilizers or alcohol.
I almost left "C" - we went to a marriage counselor for a few months, and then away on vacation alone for a week to see where we really are. We fell in love again...I'm so crazy about him, he's so funny and kind, we laugh together, have the same dreams, he is my best friend, BUT when SD around, I want to cry all the time.
She gets in trouble at BMs all the time, does stuff she would never do here. She snuck out of house, made out heavily with a boy in the pool in front of BM, SF, 1/2sis - age 7, aunt and BM said she didn't say anything to her about it, because "she didn't know what to say!!" She got caught drinking, she stole a diamond ring from my jewelry box, stole make up from my mother, stole a cell phone from a friend, to "get even" with her for talking to her ex-boyfriend...her thought processes are scary. She said that stealing from my mom was not stealing because it had already been paid for. WTF - HOW DO YOU REASON WITH THAT???????
3 days before school was to start, she had appt with counselor to try to help plan for the year, she tells my husband at that point that she wants to move back to her moms because she misses her sis. I'm thrilled, but now I know that it's just drama at a distance. I'm so tired and so sad and just SICK of fighting this battle. I have no BK of my own, but am only 32 and really want to be a mom. I feel like i'm running out of time, I either have to start planning now or leave and start over.
I have begun having the samee thoughts about my husband that I was when we started counseling...he is weak, he doesn't respect my opinion, he will do what he wants to do....I don't want to be his mom tooo. He seems to think that if he just shows her more love, she's going to change. He is just wrong, I've know since she was 6 years old that there is just something wrong inside that child that makes her lie about everything, no matter how big or small...she lies just to lie................HELP!
KeepTrying
I think you should look up "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and see if it applies to both your SD and BM, or at least just SD.
It almost sounds like SD is borderline anti-social. She has no concerns for how her actions affect other people.
I can appreciate that you have had her in counseling for 2-1/2 years, but something is NOT clicking. Either the counselor is not reaching the issues... OR... SD does need some more firm parenting at home - whichever home it is.
What does your counselor say that SD's diagnosis is besides ADD? Because ADD does not make you lie, or steal, and justify it, as far as I know.
Best of luck to you. I"m not sure that living with BM is the answer because it doesn't sound like she has any rules there. But I also understand why you would want the relief.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I'm a Mess
Appreciate your comment, as you know, I'm sure, it's hard to cram years worth of history into a post short enough for others to read.
I do not like the counselor she is seeing...but my husband doesn't want to change because SD feels comfortable with her. I think she feels comfortable because she doesn't make her really deal with anything.
Counselor says ADD causes skewed view of things, also causes lack of socialization skills (which is definitely true). She lacks basic skills of common courtesy that you teach 4 year olds.
"C" has Guilty Father Syndrome, and BM definitely has some sort of social perception issue. When i met BM she was about a size 6, since having a 2nd child and illness and being on steroids, she has gained about 40 pounds and is now more like a 16. I'm not a tiny gal myself and know how to dress for my body type, but she still squeezes into JR. clothes (she's 36). Last week i saw her and she was wearing a "Transformers" t-shirt that she got in the JR dept. When she refers to problems in her life, she compares them to how Brad and Angelina might deal with it, as if her life is like theirs...she's crazy!!
I'm a Mess
Appreciate your comment, as you know, I'm sure, it's hard to cram years worth of history into a post short enough for others to read.
I do not like the counselor she is seeing...but my husband doesn't want to change because SD feels comfortable with her. I think she feels comfortable because she doesn't make her really deal with anything.
Counselor says ADD causes skewed view of things, also causes lack of socialization skills (which is definitely true). She lacks basic skills of common courtesy that you teach 4 year olds.
"C" has Guilty Father Syndrome, and BM definitely has some sort of social perception issue. When i met BM she was about a size 6, since having a 2nd child and illness and being on steroids, she has gained about 40 pounds and is now more like a 16. I'm not a tiny gal myself and know how to dress for my body type, but she still squeezes into JR. clothes (she's 36). Last week i saw her and she was wearing a "Transformers" t-shirt that she got in the JR dept. When she refers to problems in her life, she compares them to how Brad and Angelina might deal with it, as if her life is like theirs...she's crazy!!
Here's what you said:
You said "I have begun having the samee thoughts about my husband that I was when we started counseling...he is weak, he doesn't respect my opinion, he will do what he wants to do..."
This man will not change. It will get worse after you're married. You either accept him for what he is or get out of it.
You said "...I've know since she was 6 years old that there is just something wrong inside that child that makes her lie about everything, no matter how big or small...she lies just to lie................HELP"...!
Recent studies of the brain show that some people can lie and actually believe it. They honestly believe it good enough to pass a lie detector test. The part of the brain that tells them they're lying doesn't work. Once they say something it literally changes their memory patterns and it becomes reality. If they said the sky color is called purple then that is absolutely correct.
If you don't like these people or the way they act then don't do it. Forget all that advise you just got about working through and staying the course and get counseling.
A man marries a woman expecting her to never change.
A woman marries a man expecting she can change him.
Both are wrong.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
KT, sounds to me that you have a good marriage in need of some
clarity sessions on the Marriage being the center of the family, blended or initial.
If your DH does not gain clarity on the fact that you are his Wife and your marriage trumps the Skids, the X and anythign else then you are in for an even longer more difficult future within your marriage.
The BMs brain tumor and substance abuse issues are unfortunate but in the scheme of things are not relevant to DH being a good parent to his kids and a good husband to you. Other than providing emotional support for his kids I would have play the Tough Shit card on BM's situation.
Your SD is screaming to get a parental foot up her ass. Someone needs to sit that young woman down for a serious foot-up-the-ass talk on what will and will not be tolerated from her.
Sorry for the Rags "kick-em-in-the-ass" speech but IMHO someone needs to kick your DH, SD and the XW/BM (SF too) firmly in the glutes to pop their heads out of their asses and get them to open their eyes a bit.
IMHO of course.
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)