My step son is a complete stranger
Hello! I am looking for opinions. I am a step mom to a 16 yo boy. I also have a baby boy of my own that is 2 years old. I have lived with my step son for 3.5 years now and I still feel like he is an acquaintance/stranger. He avoids me, my son and and my husband. He wants pretty much nothing to do with us. He comes home
From school, watched tv in his room, comes out for dinner and sits at a separate table while we eat and watch a show (I have invited him countless times and he says "no thanks ". He really wants to be left alone, eat his dinner as quick as possible so he can go back into his room and play video games and watch YouTube videos in his room. I've gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore. It's just so odd to me. We literally are so kind to him, so there is no reason he would be avoiding us because he is feeling left out. We invite him to everything but after years of always not wanting to be there (and I don't want him there if he doesn't want to be there) we all just co-exist. He comes out of his room to eat, go to the bathroom and that's about t. His father just lets this happen.
I wanted to know is this just normal teenage behavior (just leave me alone and provide me with what I need) OR am I right that this is hightly dysfunctional and we need family counseling ?? His dad tries to act like he is just a teenager and I should drop it. But I feel very uncomfortable. Then holidays and special events happen where he will obviously be included but it's almost as if I have a stranger sitting at my birthday dinner, or in the living room on Christmas morning. I feel like he feels left out but also truly wants to be. I have spent so much time and effort trying to plan little ice breaker events for us.. let's all go get coffee, or go to a movie and talk about it when it's over, go out to eat, go pick out new clothes for him.. the list goes on. He really doesn't want a thing to do with me, my husband or my son unless he is getting something out of it (money, something he wants/needs).
My son was smiling at him tonight as he sat and ate dinner off in the corner on his own and he clearly saw my son doing it and had an expressionless face. No "hello" or even a smile or a nod back. I just don't get it and I don't call him out because the truth is is just don't know him or what's going on in his head. He worries
Me a little bit.
Advice ??
SS is likely counting the
SS is likely counting the minutes, the hours, the days until he can be away. It's not you perhaps or your beloved baby, but the general dynamic which all of you find yourselves in. You and his father created a new family around him. He seems to be simply attempting to survive the actions of the adults in his life. Kudos to him.
I agree with this. Could be
I agree with this. Could be normal, could be depression, not sure. Thinking back on my teenage years, I was never around. I was very close to my family, yet I barely saw them. I worked after school and on weekends starting at 16, so I literally was only home to sleep.
I think with the big age difference, either a teenager really likes to be around a little one (doesn't seem realistic with a boy, though) or he'll want to just do his own thing. My own 16 year old nephew spends all the time he can on his xbox with headphones playing against his friends. My SIL jokes that the chair and ottoman is molded around his body.
I would just worry about depression for this boy.
You described my SS16. He
You described my SS16. He won't even say hello to me or DD1 and is just in his room, only comes out to eat. My husband doesn't seem to care. It's awkward and uncomfortable when he does make an appearance, it's like I don't even know him anymore.
I have two SS. One is 15 and
I have two SS. One is 15 and the other is 12. A couple of years ago we were making progress. I started taking them places, buying birthday and Christmas gifts. Then all of a sudden they would come in the house and not speak. However when a holiday/birthday was on the horizon they had all this conversation. I shut it down with the gift giving. I shouldn't have to spend my money on ungrateful children. I let their dad take care of that. I know how you feel. We are strangers. They spend the night every other Saturday and I can't wait until they leave. If you feel you all should go to family counseling then do so. No child (he might be a teenager but he us still a child) should be treating any adult that way. If they won't go, you go by youurself. The therapist will give you tools to deal with SS. From what I can tell you have made every effort to include him. Kudos to you.
His father just lets this
His father just lets this happen.
Your husband has given him permission to not be a part of the family, that's on him. It sounds like your husband doesn't even have a relationship with him. Did he ever?
I mean, part of it is being a teenager, but it sounds like your husband has let him do his own thing for awhile, now (even before you came along, I'm guessing). There could also be deeper issues, other than just being a teenager.
Why is he allowed to eat at a separate table and watch TV during family dinner time? How long has that been going on?
Your response is exactly how
Your response is exactly how I feel. Yes, his dad does let it happen and I believe it's on him. I've suggested they have one night a week devoted to just them, where they can go get dinner together or go play basketball or something. He always sticks to it for like 2 weeks and then stops. He is not close with his son at all. As a result, everyone else feels awkward. In my husbands defense, he has tried (we all have) and my SS just gives soooooo little in return. When you take him out to spend time, he makes you regret it by not speaking and making the event painfully awkward. At some point I just decided I cannot force us to all sit together every night if it is so so unpleasant. I work all day, I have a few hours in the evening to spend with my family and I am certainly not going to accept having a "family" dinner that is awkward and unpleasant every night. We try to keep it casual and pick out a show and eat in the living room, he is welcome to join and has been.
I am going to suggest we go to family counseling. On top of this, my SS expects me to make a big deal out of his bday, xmas, etc. even my parents give him gifts for these events but when our birthdays come around I'm lucky if he even knows it's my bday. He isn't a young child anymore and it's not acceptable for him to use me and treat me the way he does.
my SS expects me to make a
my SS expects me to make a big deal out of his bday, xmas, etc.
This would not be happening in my home, since he doesn't want to be part of the family and all.
He needs to learn that life is give and take, not just take.
Family counseling would be a start and it sounds like he could use some counseling on his own. If he is having issues, like depression, he may not open up in family counseling.
As long as he is reasonably
As long as he is reasonably polite, leave him alone. Normal teenage boy, especially in a situation like this. Dad may need to set limits about chores, keeping room clean, getting a job etc. but the not wanting to socialize is typical. It varies in severity from kid to kid, but most teenagers have it to some degree.
My BS was like this for a
My BS was like this for a bit. Made the choice to stay in his room. He was active at school and in sports and had many friends but when he walked in the door he went to his room. We had a no TV rule and sat together as a family for dinner but honestly he didn't talk much. I remember I bought a book once because I was so worried. I think it was called something like stay out of my life but can you take me to the mall first. I think the behavior is fairly typical for the age. I can tell you that my son remains fairly quiet. He has done great in life with a few nudges in the right direction from me to get him started. I am so proud of him and the man that he has become. About a year ago we were in the car on a long car ride and he stated that he was a man of few words. I responded "we all know that". He said what does that mean? I told him that some people (DH included) think that you don't like the because you don't talk.
I would recommend reading a book on teenage boys. It may help to give you insight. Also, try having family dinners and ask him questions that he can't answer with just a simple yes or no. I am sure your little one looks up to him and would love to have a big brother that would play with him. Maybe you could encourage that. Sometimes all you have to do is ask. Just ask him will you watch 2 YO while I clean the kitchen or do laundry or whatever. I wouldn't give up on him just yet. At least he is not being mean or hateful.
Rude assholes are rude
Rude assholes are rude assholes. 16 is far past old enough to be confronted about being a rude asshole. Your DH needs to give him clarity.