Just curious, how do you all handle gifts given to ex wife/husband "from" kids ? What age you would think is considered old enough to let the kids handle it by themselves ?
If the kids are young the gift is coming from the ex, your SO. This gift must have joint input . On amount of money. How personal the gift is. You don't want SO to buy his ex diamond, from the kids. Joint discussion, to pick the proper non personal gift. With a Top $ amount for that gift . When the the kids get older like 5 or 6 it'd up to the kids to get a gift.... ok by both of you. With a top $ amount. No more then $30. May be a coffee maker. ..It's the kids choice
If there is a neutral party involved then perhaps they can help the kids get gifts for other parent. (Step parent, aunt, uncle or grandparent on other side).
If not then a homemade craft and/or token gift chosen by the child from suitable list of options is what I would do. Personally I don't think kids should be "buying" extravagant gifts for adults (by that I mean more than maybe $10-$20). It just isn't appropriate in my mind.
I'm not too worried about money as long as it's a reasonable amount and it always has been in my situation. Also it was always something appropriate. My struggle is more in the fact that the gift is picked and paid by my SO when kids are not even home. He goes to the shops and then hands it to the kids to give to their mom. It's obvious that it's a present from him to his ex, and not from the kids. Kids are 19 and 13 and the oldest has a car.
I'm all for helping the kids and showing them that he is a decent person to their mom and a good dad. I wouldn't mind if he was just giving the kids a bit of cash and advice or suggestions but here I feel it's more a present from him for his ex.
This Xmas kids visited us and gave him a present (bought by ex "from kids") but we didn'thave anything for her. So he then said to the kids "I didn't know mom bought a present for me" and gave them the birthday present he bought for her and said they can give her that and he'll get something else later for her birthday.
So it looks like SO and ex are exchanging presents and has nothing to do with kids. I don't like this
"My struggle is more in the fact that the gift is picked and paid by my SO when kids are not even home. He goes to the shops and then hands it to the kids to give to their mom. It's obvious that it's a present from him to his ex, and not from the kids. Kids are 19 and 13 and the oldest has a car."
Yeah it's time for that to stop. He can just give them money and the rest is on them. 19. SMH.
But somehow, these guilty divorced people stunt the hell out of their kids and coddle them into completely unlikable and not capable adults. 19 is a freaking adult. The 19 yr old should be taking the 13 yr old out to get mom a gift.
We actually put it in our custody order. Assist kiddo with purchasing gift for Christmas/birthday for other parent with a $25.00 limit. It worked well for the most part.
He's 21 now :-) But he was 10-11 when the decree was written. We followed it until he was 18. Even if in later years it was just a reminder - "you got dad a present right?"
My wife will sort of ask SS what he wants to give his dad, but basically she buys a Christmas, fathers day, and birthday present for the ex that SS then gives him. We don't share finances for discretionary stuff, so there isn't a money issue concern.
On the flip side, her ex doesn't do this, I pick out gifts with SS for him to give to his mom on MD, Xmas, birthday.
It's not something I really think about, but here is some data in case anyone is compiling how folks are doing this.
Never once did we ever buy a gift for anyone in the SpermClan, nor did we ever mention to SS that he should. He never asked to. Not once, ever.
They tought him how to treat them.
SpermGrandHag enrolled the whole SpermClan in some fringe Christian cult and they never celebrated Christmas..... Until, SS told a ton of stories about the incredible Rags clan Christmas magic events starting when he was 2yo. When SS was about 8 and his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs had been whelped by baby mamas #2 and #3, suddenly SpermGrandHag decided that it was not fair that the eldest of the Spermidiot Spawn (my SS) had Christmas that the youngest three, all part of the mind numbing cult community, should have Christmas.
Then the "it isn't fair that you (SS) have nice things and your younger sibs don't" went on steroids and suddenly the $133/mo in CS was taking away from food, gifts, etc... for the 3 Spermidiot terminal spawn by two other baby mamas.
They tought SS how to treat them based on how they treated him.
SS-31 came home for Christmas with his mom and I and my family this week. Not one mention of the Spermclan from SS though most of my family asked about the three younger half sibs..... No contact. All SS said about them was, they don't stay in touch.
They never reach out to him, he recipricates their effort.
He put a ton of time into finding just the right gift for each person in the family. His grandparents (my mom and dad), Uncle (my brother), Aunt, Cousins, their spouses, and his mom and me. Everyone commented on how he had obviously been very conscientious in his gift selection.
People are treated as they earn that treatment.
My SS is a big part of the heart of my family. His aunt (my SIL) is booking tickets to go spend a week with my SS in the spring. DW asked to go so she could hang with her kid and my SIL after Tax season.
IMHO, a reasonable blended family opposition gets treated reasonably. A toxic blended family opposition... gets shit for nothing. Kids... need the facts to protect themselves. If they have the facts and are taught to assess and analyse, they can categorize people by their actions and not be fooled by their words or polluted by a shit shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
I agree stepkids should be taught to judge people based on their action but sadly a lot of parents manipulate their kids against new partner by jealousy! And kids tend to be more loyal to their biological parents even if it can be unfair to new partner
BM has been telling so many lies about me to my stepkids and lots of insults to me and SO, she has caused a lot of problems in our household as SO hasn't been able to set boundaries with her in the past. SO admitted it and is getting better at it now. But Im still on my guards and that's why I don't want him to have any kind of relationship with BM unless it's strictly about the kids and necessary.
I'm normally quite a kind person and open minded and could be friends with anyone as long as they show some respect and are nice human beings but I won't accept being disrespected, abused and bullied by someone who doesn't know me. As far as I'm concerned as long as BM is disrespectful to me and set up her own kids against me I don't want SO to do her any sort of favours, and that's why I don't like him buying presents for her.
TMI. stop giving her so much space in your head. She is shit. That is all you or anyone else needs to know.
IMHO you and DH should keep scrubbing BM's nose in the stench she stains everyone's life with and the kids need all of the facts regarding BM. They can't protect themselves from BM bullshit if they do not have the facts.
"As long as BM is disrespectful....". Don't ever stop in the effort to broadcast BM's toxic bullshit. She has already proven herself to be a write off and whether or not she ever stops being disrespectful is irrelevant. Never foget and for damned sure make sure she lives a life of escalating abject misery for her toxic manipulative historic crap.
That is a hard one
If the kids are young the gift is coming from the ex, your SO. This gift must have joint input . On amount of money. How personal the gift is. You don't want SO to buy his ex diamond, from the kids.
Joint discussion, to pick the proper non personal gift. With a Top $ amount for that gift . When the the kids get older like 5 or 6 it'd up to the kids to get a gift.... ok by both of you. With a top $ amount. No more then $30. May be a coffee maker. ..It's the kids choice
If there is a neutral party
If there is a neutral party involved then perhaps they can help the kids get gifts for other parent. (Step parent, aunt, uncle or grandparent on other side).
If not then a homemade craft and/or token gift chosen by the child from suitable list of options is what I would do. Personally I don't think kids should be "buying" extravagant gifts for adults (by that I mean more than maybe $10-$20). It just isn't appropriate in my mind.
I'm not too worried about
I'm not too worried about money as long as it's a reasonable amount and it always has been in my situation. Also it was always something appropriate. My struggle is more in the fact that the gift is picked and paid by my SO when kids are not even home. He goes to the shops and then hands it to the kids to give to their mom. It's obvious that it's a present from him to his ex, and not from the kids. Kids are 19 and 13 and the oldest has a car.
I'm all for helping the kids and showing them that he is a decent person to their mom and a good dad. I wouldn't mind if he was just giving the kids a bit of cash and advice or suggestions but here I feel it's more a present from him for his ex.
This Xmas kids visited us and gave him a present (bought by ex "from kids") but we didn'thave anything for her. So he then said to the kids "I didn't know mom bought a present for me" and gave them the birthday present he bought for her and said they can give her that and he'll get something else later for her birthday.
So it looks like SO and ex are exchanging presents and has nothing to do with kids. I don't like this
"My struggle is more in the
"My struggle is more in the fact that the gift is picked and paid by my SO when kids are not even home. He goes to the shops and then hands it to the kids to give to their mom. It's obvious that it's a present from him to his ex, and not from the kids. Kids are 19 and 13 and the oldest has a car."
Yeah it's time for that to stop. He can just give them money and the rest is on them. 19. SMH.
Totally Agree!
But somehow, these guilty divorced people stunt the hell out of their kids and coddle them into completely unlikable and not capable adults. 19 is a freaking adult. The 19 yr old should be taking the 13 yr old out to get mom a gift.
This would not be ok with me.
I agree that 19yo is old
I agree that 19yo is old enough to take care of it. She has been driving for 2 years.
SO just bought a gift card for ex today. Kids are not home.
But if I say something it's probably gonna be flipped against me. I wonder how long it's gonna have to be this way.
We actually put it in our
We actually put it in our custody order. Assist kiddo with purchasing gift for Christmas/birthday for other parent with a $25.00 limit. It worked well for the most part.
How old is kiddo
?
He's 21 now :-) But he was
He's 21 now :-) But he was 10-11 when the decree was written. We followed it until he was 18. Even if in later years it was just a reminder - "you got dad a present right?"
My SS is 13 and this is basically what happens
My wife will sort of ask SS what he wants to give his dad, but basically she buys a Christmas, fathers day, and birthday present for the ex that SS then gives him. We don't share finances for discretionary stuff, so there isn't a money issue concern.
On the flip side, her ex doesn't do this, I pick out gifts with SS for him to give to his mom on MD, Xmas, birthday.
It's not something I really think about, but here is some data in case anyone is compiling how folks are doing this.
Yes
I think it's normal to do it when kids are young.
Not only no, but F-NO!.
Not only no, but F-NO!.
Never once did we ever buy a gift for anyone in the SpermClan, nor did we ever mention to SS that he should. He never asked to. Not once, ever.
They tought him how to treat them.
SpermGrandHag enrolled the whole SpermClan in some fringe Christian cult and they never celebrated Christmas..... Until, SS told a ton of stories about the incredible Rags clan Christmas magic events starting when he was 2yo. When SS was about 8 and his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs had been whelped by baby mamas #2 and #3, suddenly SpermGrandHag decided that it was not fair that the eldest of the Spermidiot Spawn (my SS) had Christmas that the youngest three, all part of the mind numbing cult community, should have Christmas.
Then the "it isn't fair that you (SS) have nice things and your younger sibs don't" went on steroids and suddenly the $133/mo in CS was taking away from food, gifts, etc... for the 3 Spermidiot terminal spawn by two other baby mamas.
They tought SS how to treat them based on how they treated him.
SS-31 came home for Christmas with his mom and I and my family this week. Not one mention of the Spermclan from SS though most of my family asked about the three younger half sibs..... No contact. All SS said about them was, they don't stay in touch.
They never reach out to him, he recipricates their effort.
He put a ton of time into finding just the right gift for each person in the family. His grandparents (my mom and dad), Uncle (my brother), Aunt, Cousins, their spouses, and his mom and me. Everyone commented on how he had obviously been very conscientious in his gift selection.
People are treated as they earn that treatment.
My SS is a big part of the heart of my family. His aunt (my SIL) is booking tickets to go spend a week with my SS in the spring. DW asked to go so she could hang with her kid and my SIL after Tax season.
IMHO, a reasonable blended family opposition gets treated reasonably. A toxic blended family opposition... gets shit for nothing. Kids... need the facts to protect themselves. If they have the facts and are taught to assess and analyse, they can categorize people by their actions and not be fooled by their words or polluted by a shit shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
I agree stepkids should be
I agree stepkids should be taught to judge people based on their action but sadly a lot of parents manipulate their kids against new partner by jealousy! And kids tend to be more loyal to their biological parents even if it can be unfair to new partner
BM has been telling so many
BM has been telling so many lies about me to my stepkids and lots of insults to me and SO, she has caused a lot of problems in our household as SO hasn't been able to set boundaries with her in the past. SO admitted it and is getting better at it now. But Im still on my guards and that's why I don't want him to have any kind of relationship with BM unless it's strictly about the kids and necessary.
I'm normally quite a kind person and open minded and could be friends with anyone as long as they show some respect and are nice human beings but I won't accept being disrespected, abused and bullied by someone who doesn't know me. As far as I'm concerned as long as BM is disrespectful to me and set up her own kids against me I don't want SO to do her any sort of favours, and that's why I don't like him buying presents for her.
TMI. stop giving her so much
TMI. stop giving her so much space in your head. She is shit. That is all you or anyone else needs to know.
IMHO you and DH should keep scrubbing BM's nose in the stench she stains everyone's life with and the kids need all of the facts regarding BM. They can't protect themselves from BM bullshit if they do not have the facts.
"As long as BM is disrespectful....". Don't ever stop in the effort to broadcast BM's toxic bullshit. She has already proven herself to be a write off and whether or not she ever stops being disrespectful is irrelevant. Never foget and for damned sure make sure she lives a life of escalating abject misery for her toxic manipulative historic crap.
Take care of you.
Good luck.