Another venting post, frustrated with SD
Hi everyone, this is just me venting again about SD20.
I have NOTHING LEFT IN ME in terms of emotional capacity to go above and beyond for this non existent relationship, to chase for the bare minimum of respect and acknowledgement. Why is the burden of blending this family solely on my shoulders and why am I expected to be the bigger person when I have been consistently, religiously treated poorly for so many years ? Why am I not allowed to have my own bounderies?
She has still not initiated a single conversation or greeting ever since I know her, not even once. She had never asked me a single question. Never showed interest to even have just a small talk. Not a single time. And we just been on a 4 weeks holidays.
I can't stand this double standard anymore and it makes me resent my SD even more as I'm not "allowed" to just let go. But SO still has all of these expectations on me, expectations of still acknowledging her, cooking and buying her food...
He said he can't parent her because she is an adult but I have to treat her with respect. But by the look of it he can't hold her accountable because he also said she is "the kid" and I'm the adult, so it's not her fault, she is still learning.... Oh wait, I thought she is an adult too ?! It doesn't make sense to me and I have nothing left in the tank and refuse to keep chasing someone who has already showed me how disrespectful they are and not interested. SD said to her dad she is skeptical about me and not interested in "team building activities" and that it's always the 4 of us. WE LIVE TOGETHER FOR GOODNESS SAKE. She is also not interested in talking, greeting and making eye contact. The message couldn't be anymore clear. Yet SO still expectd me to try? I'm so beyond sick of it.
Even BM constantly fight with SD. She sent an email to SO and called her entitled and other stuff, which she totally is. She doesn't do any chores ever, doesn't pay for anything, she can't even put her dirty dishes in the dishwasher at 20yo we have to clean up after her.
We went on a holiday to visit SO's family, I was cooking lunch for everyone. When SD got up she just took the plate I had made for her right in front of me, without even looking at me and fucked off and sat somewhere else. No hello, no eye contact, no thank you... She knew I had cooked for her because her grandma had told her very clearly. I was shocked how mannerless she can be at her age. I told SO the next day what happened and burst into tears because of how emotionally drained and hopeless I felt and his first reaction was "I don't think my kids have been that bad" (since the beginning of the trip). No better way to dismiss my feelings. This whole situation is just so demeaning. Why do Bio parents always think their kid are a kind of God who deserve ultimate treatment ?
I had many conversations with SO about it and the conclusion is always the same. He acknowledges that she is rude and doesn't try and that I did everything right to her but also says I still have to acknowledge her and treat her well even is she doesn't. All I want is for him to show a little bit of compassion for me and let me off the hook but he always get defensive and give her excuses "she has been brainwashed by her mom", "she will change", "she is still learning", "she will have her own opinion one day". Let's be honest she won't. Also I don't care about her opinion I just want to be respected.
You do not need to get your
You do not need to get your SO's permission to relate to his daughter however you want. If you want to disengage, not talk to her and not cook her food, you can, it's not up to him. At 20 she is NOT a kid, she should be out living her own life, not disrespecting her step mother. Let's face it, she will always treat you this way, so the sooner you start to respond to it in any way YOU see fit, the better.
Match her behavior in kind.
Match her behavior in kind.
She does not recognize you. Do the same with her. Don't cook for her, don't buy her food, etc, etc, etc. ignore her and when daddy cries about his rude little crotch dropping being mistreated tell him she gets what she gives. Which is nothing.
Keep it simple.
Adults have to own the consequences of their choices.
People who behave as this failed family kidult breeding product is behaving are nothing more than any other biological waste discharged from some orifice of their parent's bodies. Like any other waste, flush it.
If daddy doesn't like it, daddy needs to man up, grab a handful of man sack and fix it.
when daddy cries about his
Lol @ crotch droppings *lol*
skid marks and crotch droppings .... this site is going to have me laugh a lung out.
Your DH expects you to be a
Your DH expects you to be a servant to and pay for his adult child. He also expects you to "keep trying" aka kiss her ass. You aren't going to get him to change his views or behavior. So, basically, you have nothing to lose as far as his support, because you don't have it now. Maybe focus on running her off. Stop trying. Call her out on her bad behavior, to her, not to him. Be sweet as pie in front of him, or just honest and unemotional. Get her the fk out of your house.
Focus on the goal: a happy
Focus on the goal: a happy life. A happy life means this adult SKID needs to be on her own and not at the house. A happy life also means you need no one else's permission on how you act. Be civil and respectful even if she's not but once she's out of the house you can have limited interactions with her and DH can go elsewhere to meet his lovely daughter. Focus on getting your space and life back.
Dup
Dup
If DH can’t parent his DD
Because she is an adult. Then SD must move out. If she doesn't have child status as being parenting but DH. She just a tenant. And you don't need tenants. She must move out and or pay 1/3 of expenses. You can't have it both ways. Not paying rent. No responsibility but is a adult and can't be parent
This sounds emotionally
This sounds emotionally abusive to me, like you are some kind of slave that is told you must allow (or even like) mistreatment and/or disrespect. Our partners are supposed to have our backs. Would your SO be ok with someone else treating you this way?
Disengagement is your friend...your only true friend
Your partner is NOT your friend.
Disengage completely. If he gets upset, you need to not let it bother you.
STOP doing ANYTHING for her. Do not cook for her do not clean for her. She makes a mess, either ask her or ask your partner "hey sweetie pie can you clean that up?" If you are cooking for everyone, let everyone plate their own food and clean up after themselves.
I certainly hope you arent paying for things. If you are STOP.
Most importantly get her out
Most importantly get her out of your house.
Ugh!
I feel for you! Your SO's statement, "I don't think my kids have been that bad" tells me a lot. "THAT bad" especially! He knows they have been bad, but is minimizing it. So is she a kid or an adult? It seems whichever suits the narrative, but we all know both are not possible. The fact that her mother has verbalized complaints is telling as well.
Why should she treat you better when she gets what she wants by acting the way she is acting? (Yes, you should be treated better!!! Regardless of what you do for her. It is called commen courtesy!!!) You do not need SO's permission to step back. You must take care of yourself before you can take care of others. Treat her with indifference. Don't do anything for her. Etc. Use the time you would have spent 'doing' for her to 'do' for you, self-care!
I know there is an age difference, but this reminds me of when my DH told me, "She's just a kid." Guess what? My YSD is 32! I have stepped back, I'm not willing to extend myself anymore with people who treat me with indifference. However, I will continue to be respectful and polite because that is my standard for treating others. I really don't think it's me; the family is very close and I'm an outsider. I know that should help, but it doesn't entirely...I'm working on my reaction to that. Was recently at her house; she conversed with her father while chewing her nails. Ugh!
I concur with others
You should stop doing ANYTHING for this obnoxious, entitled adult. Many people at 20 have a child and family responsibilities themselves - no need to infantilise this woman.
I will also add that sometimes it pays to lose your sh!t, especially if you're known to be a "nice" person. You'll be taken more seriously, and the family will know not to confuse your nicety with stupidity. If I was you in the situation where the SD snatched the plate and walked off ignoring you, I would have walked up to her, taken in back and thrown the whole thing into trash, silently. Of course, you might have to fish out the plate later, but it's worth it. I don't recommend this strategy as a regular way of resolving conflict, but once in a lifetime of a relationship it's worth it.
Don't explain yourself, walk away. They know what they've done, let them figure the way forward themselves. And going forward - NOTHING for the parasiting adult, if she refuses to acknowledge you, say please and thank you. If that doesn't happen - you arrange a nice day out for yourself before she comes, return when she's gone. The hubby can do all the cleaning and cooking himself. Make your absence hurt.