I attended all the family events before BM died and I do now.  I dont have many expectstions.  I"m polite and civil to everyone and they are to me.  I realize I symbolize the death of their "happy family" so in their perfect world, I wouldnt be there.  But, there I am, for DH's sake.  Do I wish I never had another Christmas with SD62?  You bet.

Now that our 5 "kids" are in their 50s and 60s, our only family event is Christmas but thankfully now, most are celebrating with their own families so we see them more singly, plus some are out of town.  The grandkid weddings will be the next thing but so far, none on the horizon.

I hated the graduation parties, holidays, showrrs and weddings.  All I could do was look my very best, act decently and have a big glass of wine when it wss all over.

BM probably felt the same.  Her husband, Clueless, at one of these functions where all were on good behavior, said, :"We ought to get together and go out some time."   Before I could think of anything, BM screamed, "Oh, God, NO!"  Lol

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here. It depends on your particular situation and the personalities of the players. As step-parents, I think we need to sacrifice a little to male it work. But so does everyone else. If you're truly being invited in, and that means some discomfort from time to time, you might want to try and the discomfort may pass. The thing to be clear on, and I think many of us (definitely me included) get "invited in" when it works for the family and excluded when it doesn't. And I don't think that works for too many people.

If you are asking when it's ok for your husband, his ex, and their adult kids to go out or have parties together, excluding you....come on. You KNOW it's not ok. Also, if your husband, his ex, and their adult or near-adult kids are having a party or outing together as a "family", and invite you to come watch.....still not ok. You either are or aren't your husband's partner. If decisions are being made amongst your husband, his kids, and his ex, but not you, you aren't his partner, they are. 

We don't do family events. Period. DH prefers it that way. The only thing I can forsee is high school graduation (HOPEFULLY) that we would probably all attend. But that's it. 

In 18 or so years, I have attended one event--a wedding. And we were treated like crap, something that was denied later (as usual). The skids knew that if they wanted their father somewhere, they needed to invite "us." But things were so hostile for so long that I never attended. No graduations, baby showers, etc. DH would go (I kind of felt bad about him going alone) and was always the odd man out. He never stayed for the parties after the graduations, etc. 

With grandchildren now in the picture, there is more of the pull from SD to be a big happy family "again"--her lifelong fantasy, which I knew would happen (picture Mia in a circle with a red line drawn diagonally...ha!), so I feel those awkward moments, but what's done is done. So so much damage so long ago and I have no control over anyone but myself. I know BM harbors deep bitterness about  DH (he had the audacity to move on), so it's not like back in the old days when she was acting like she would be Wife #1 and I'd be Wife #2.  Odd--the whole thing. 

If people can get along, I think SM should attend events. It's when the events have that exclusion feel to them that there's a problem, in my view. And I don't think it's on the SM to plan any events like that. Hope this makes sense. 

Not birthday type of party where BM. the ex, the kids, her family. Cousin,,, SIL,BIL.  That ended with the divorce, you can have a small birthday celebration yourself.  But be prepared for major events,.... graduation,...weddings... GK..   I would not let my SO go without me.  I am the most important family member.  Not SK..NOT SO.   I am the one who has to deal with all the disfunction in life.   I will not be excluded, unless I don't want to be there. That's my choice not others.  

We now live several states away from BM so it would have to be a wedding really for there to be any prospect of both us and BM attending. Nothing else would really rise to being important enough to travel in my mind. I though have vowed to myself to never knowingly put myself at any event that BM will be at. I am only too happy to miss any future wedding of my sd16. I do not mind if my husband attends on his own. 

When sd was younger, our relationship newer and their divorce fresher and we lived in the same town, I was continually excluded. First was the birthday party for sd (when she was 5?). It was going to be in the park, obviously a public place. BM got my husband to pay for the food, she made invitations and I was on an invitation. I was nervous but prepared to go. The day of the party, BM changed her mind, told my husband I was no longer invited and he insisted that I didn't attend even though I pointed out it was a public park and I could turn up if I wanted.  He was annoyed at how BM excluded me last minute and apparently she didn't act in the best way at the party either. Swore he'd never do a joint birthday again. That fall they went trick or treating together...he was worried that BM would just be chatting with her friend and not interacting with their daughter - the happy family out together, that upset me. The next summer rolled around and with sd's birthday coming up he decided he was going to pay for a bowling party that BM was hosting...apparently this didn't count as a joint party as it was only bm's family/friends invited. I was very upset with him about this one after he'd sworn a year earlier that there would be no repeat. This is when I learnt that I couldn't trust his word when it comes to what he will and will not do towards his daughter and his ex. Well, yet again he was upset with how BM behaved at the bowling party and felt she ignored the kids. (Of course I was not invited to the party, not that I would have wanted to attend anyway). 

Luckily the next year we moved across country so it hasn't been an issue since. That move was the best thing for us, putting thousands of miles between us and BM majorly reduced the stress in our relationship and avoided many dramas with  - not that we were completely free of them, just we only had to deal with the big major stuff not the weekly minor crap.