At what age do you think they should start taking more responsibility for themselves?

Wow, it just amazes me at how the "age" of responsibility just keeps creeping up over the years. The milisecond that I turned 16, I had a job at the mall. I worked that job all through high school. Never called in sick once, in fact was the one they always called when someone else called in sick. My parents bought me a car (mostly so mom didn't have to cart me back and forth to the job) but I had to pay my own insurance and for all my gas. When I wrecked that car when I was a Sr. in High School, guess who bought the next car? ME. My mom co-signed the loan for me, but that was it, because they made it crystal clear that they would buy me ONE car, my first and when that one crapped the bed or what have you, it would be MY responsibility to replace it.

I LOVE that I had a mother and step dad who had high expectations of me and did not coddle me and teach me to be an entitled sloth. I can honestly say, it was the BEST gift I was ever given.

So interested to read the reply's to this. My SS(20) lives with us. and:

a free car---Check
free gas----Check
free car insurance---Check
100% tuition paid---He did, until he just stopped going to class. Didn't withdraw, just quit going.
All medical co-pays made----Check
Should they work---part time at a pizza place. PART TIME!
Should they contribute to their basic needs (clothing, contacts)...extras that THEY want?---Check
Money for social outtings with friends----actually he pays for this. But since he usually brings them over here.......

Can you tell I am frustrated?

I think at 18 they should be taking over at least SOME of this. Maybe not all, immediately, but some.

Well, according to people responding to my blog, a 19 year old should be provided with a laptop (I disagree).

SD19 was given a car.
SD19 does NOT (that I know of) get gas money, but it's entirely possible DH gives it to her.
SD19 has her car insurance provided.
SD19 has two-thirds of ALL her college expenses paid.
SD19 has ALL medical expenses paid.
SD19 works minimally part time (maybe 10 hours a week).
SD19 gets BM, DH, or maternal grandmother to pay for MOST of her wants (clothing, makeup, toys, etc.) and ALL of her needs (contacts).
SD19 gets money from BM, DH and maternal grandmother for social activities. Every time she brings up "wanting" to do something, DH offers money. If she said she wanted to go to the moon, he would pay for it.

Now, let's contrast this with ME at age 19:
I bought my car.
I earned my own gas money.
I paid for my own car insurance.
I got half of my college costs (mainly tuition) paid for.
I got my medical expenses paid for (while I was in college).
I worked work study, then got a part-time (20 to 30 hours a week) job.
I paid for my wants and needs.
I paid for my social activities.
I did NOT get and do not yet even have a laptop.

I think the teaching of independence starts at a much earlier age. You can't just turn loose a domesticated animal into the wild!! lol
Seriously, it's an ongoing process I really think. I worked hard with my son and daughter to help them into the world. I tried to pay small things to help as long as they were doing their part.
My youngest daughter, 19, well, it's taken her a bit longer due to her not wanting to drive and some depression issues. Now she is working fulltime, ready to drive and ready to go to college in the fall. Some kids it takes time, some kids just take advantage of their parents.
For the most part, my kids try to pick up their own costs as much as they can but they have to ask me from time to time to help.
When my daughter goes to college in the fall, I'll help pay her insurance for her car. I want to be able to do something to help her. But then that's only if she's showing some motivation on her part!

This line of conversation got me to thinking. My bs and nephew are the same age; my son is barely making it through highschool b/c he loves to take time off so his grades are very poor but my nephew is a B average student in high school, is in air cadets and works a part time job at mcD's AND has his own car and pays for ALL his own things like clothes gas insurance etc. It makes me feel strange when my sister brags about how her son was in this parade or goes on trips to NY or what have ya and my son is sitting at home on the computer playing WOW. UHG. If my bs was my ss I would be so furious.

@ 16 - Having a part time job to buy your own toiletries and snacks. Gas in your car.
@ 17 - Recieve an allowance each month/ 2 weeks and it is up to you to budget your lifestyle. If you blow it all on driving your friends around without them helping out with gas then you forfeit that concert in 10 days time.

Tell the family to butt out.

Maybe it's all tied in with what the kids see the parents do, they will do. What I mean is, if parents are go getters and responsible people and always making life better and working hard, maybe the kids would follow the good example? I don't know...just a thought.

There is no "should" after age 18, IMO. In my family, we could live at home after high school as long as we had a full time job and paid rent, or went to college full time (no rent). We got nothing else. No spending money, no gas money, no electronics/clothes money, we paid our own insurance, we paid for our own college, we paid for our own cars.
While we were at home and turned 16, my parents bought an old beater car that was for the kids to drive, as long as we kept good grades, had jobs for our own insurance and gas, and stayed out of trouble. One step out of line and we got restricted from car use.

The only money we ever got after high school was for Christmas or birthday gifts, and occasionally my dad would send me $100 when I was away at college (maybe like once or twice a year). I worked full time all the way through my 4 years of college.

We all (4 girls), started working at age 15/16, all moved out around 18, and all are self supporting, responsible adults.

I truly think parents that hand everything to their kids with no expectations or accountability and doing such a huge disservice to them (and society!).

I agree at 19 they should be working and providing everything for themselves except maybe medical insurance.

Like other posters said, IF they are in college and showing some motivation I would help with some things like car insurance or medical co-pays/deductibles.

My BS went to college, worked and paid for everything except medical co-pays. I would help occassionaly if he got in a jam but the majority was HIS responsibility not mine.

Well, I think my parents were pretty darn nice and here is what WE got...I think it is reasonable.

1. free housing
2. free food (for us, not for our 30 friends we wanted to invite over...)
3. medical
4. college

With that in mind, we did not get
1. a car or even the insurance on one
2. we had a CURFEW and they were VERY strict with it
3. we HAD to have a part time job
4. we purchased our own stuff, from clothing, to magazines, to outings with friends...they paid for nothing...we had a job to pay for that
5. there we no cell phones then, so we could use their phone, but only a limited amount of time and NEVER past 9PM...and any long distance, we paid for

We got those things WHILE in college. Once I dropped out, at age 21, the other things ALSO were dropped...except the free housing and food. With that, I had to pay for my own car, insurance and cook for myself, unless my mother was cooking for everyone else in the house. In addition, in return for the free housing, food, at least once a week I paid for our food wether pizza, chinese delivery, etc...and I purchased things for the house...such as towels, plants, etc...as needed to make the house nice. I also normally got my mother and father extra gifts, such as clothing, etc. when I got paid every two weeks.

Now, again, even when I had a job, I still had a curfew, even though I was over 18, I still couldn't do as I pleased and I also couldn't have tons of friends over or parties over, except for my birthday.

PS - while in high school and college I worked part-time during the school year and full time in the summer...after I quit college, I worked full-time. Once I worked full-time after I quit, I also purchased airline tickets for my parents to visit family every year...although I did not pay housing

Dd is 19, she lives with my mother and goes to college. She just finished her first year with a GPA of 3.9. She worked during winter break and tried to keep her job with school but her grades were suffering. She needed a high GPA to ensure entrance into the nursing program. Once in the program, the department tells the students not to work. They won't be able to keep up.

Ex still pays support, we contribute nothing to college per se. I put 100 a month into her account to be used for school expenses, I pay for her doc, and meds, cell and insurance. Her child support goes for food, gas, and anything else needed.

She asks for very little over and above what we offer to her.

SD20 almost 21. Had a tuition free scholarship she blew. Went to school for 2.5 yrs has nothing to show but 6-8 Fs.
Her parents paid for room and board to live in the dorms 10 minutes from her home, bought her a 1700 laptop, paid 500.00 a term for books, that she rented for half that, and we gave her a living stipend. When she moved back home after flunking a semester, she got a job, bought a new car, all the while DH paid child support.

If SD20 applied herself to school is say ok, give her what we can afford, but she said she was entitled to it. WOW.

Dd did not have a job in hs because I used her as my babysitter and taxi. In return she started handling her own child support money- which purchased all her needs that were not home and food.

I agree there is no "should" after 18.

At that age I was out the door and off to university. I bought my own car and paid for the running of it myself. I worked evenings and weekends and had a student loan to cover tuition etc.

My sister was pretty much the same.