Conflicted
Hi all,
Mostly a vent, feeling like a really bad stepmom regarding ss 18. I struggle to like him these days and I feel terrible about it.
My ss just turned 18 and now uses this as an excuse for everything. I can smoke now, you don't need to come in with me to Dr. (Psychiatrist) etc. He wants independence and thinks now that he is 18 he is an adult and doesn't want his Dad telling him what to do. He has two more months before he graduates High School so he still lives with us. He has been in A LOT of trouble in the past (drugs, drinking, lying, suspension from school you name it) but is actually making a small effort to clean up his act. He does follow our house rules for the most part but he does a lot of things behind our back outside of the house. I guess now that he is 18, that is his problem now if he gets arrested or caught.
Becasue he screwed around so much in HS, he can't get in to any Univeristy so he is going to community college to start. My concern is this. Because he has this attitude that "he is 18 now", he is acting like he can continue to live here and gets pissy when his dad tries to talk to him about registering for classes and taking initiative for his future. When his dad talked to him about how the rules will change now that he is 18 and wants to continue to live at home while going to school. His reaction is that he wants to "live his life" and move out. Yay. I'm all for that but I know in my heart if he moves out he will not go to school and I'm worried he will throw his future away. I want him to move out or move in with his mom becasue we've had 7 years of so many problems I can't even begin to describe them all. But am I being selfish knowing that him moving out will likely be the worst thing for him? I want my sanity and my husband back but I want this child to succeed.
SS is convinced he can become a youtube influencer or music producer and support himself but he is in now way prepared for real life!
How do I encourage him and keep my sanity?
I think its hilarious how
I think its hilarious how these kids think turning 18 is some magical number where they can do what they want and no one can tell them otherwise. At the end of the day he lives under your roof, so nothing has changed. He still has to obey rules and if he doesn't like it, he can leave. The only difference now that he's 18 is that if he commits a crime he won't be tried as a juvenile so he better tread lightly. Just because he's 18 doesn't mean he runs sh!t. He needs to go to college and/or get a job and get his life. Your H needs to address this and establish it to where your SS UNDERSTANDS the consequences of not following rules.
How do I encourage him and keep my sanity?
There is nothing you can do to encourage him if he doesn't want to help himself. If you want to keep your sanity I'd disengage. Your health is not worth losing because SS thinks he can do what he wants.
Well, he's 18, so let him
Well, he's 18, so let him decide what to do with his life. Just discuss rules/boundaries/financial support with your DH so SS knows exactly what to expect. If DH tries to "make him" go to college, it will just be a waste of money and time. He can go in the future when he's motivated to do it. But he shouldn't be allowed to live at home unless he's working full-time or going to school full-time.
He'll find out quickly whether or not his dreams are realistic.
Sometimes people need to
Sometimes people need to learn the hard way. He's 18. Let him learn the hard way. He thinks he can make it on his own, let him do so.
Ahh, you have a dreamer on
Ahh, you have a dreamer on your hands. And like most dreamers, the odds of him accomplishing his dreams of YouTube influencer status or becoming a producer are slim and non. My vote is for absolutely ZERO chance of success in accomplishing these dreams.
Far too many parents parrot the "you can be anything you want to be" mantra to their kids when the fact is .... no they can't. Not if they do not make the decisions and take the actions to become what they want to be.
Time for your "independent" (pun intended) 18yo SS to get the "follow the rules, do what your told, or GTFO now" speech.
My SS had no goals or dreams. He wanted to be a sofa rodeo pro in our home, hang out all day and play video games, and pretty much was not interested in either school or work. So... we turned him in to our live in beck-&-call boy/chore bitch when he turned 18. He graduated 3mos before his 18th B-day so we gave him that summer on our dime to sow his oats, decompress, and figure out his path forward. He never did any of those things
So he worked for us for room and board.
We worked that kid's ass off. He wash, folded, put away, scrubbed toilets, vacuumed, swept, dusted, cleaned, polished, mopped, pressure washed, sanded, primed, painted, weeded, trimmed, mowed, edged, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, served, cleaned up and then did it all again the next day.
His presence in the house was a day to day thing that depended on him getting each days extensive and continuously growing chore list done before his mom and I got home from work each day. If he got it all done he was allowed to remain in the home and do it all again the next day. If he failed to get it done, he was left on the front stoop the next AM with no cell phone, no food, no water and he could figure out what to do with his day until his mom and I got home. We paid the bills including his cell phone bill so... no chore bitch, no nothing.
He tested us twice. Once when it was hot and miserable. We found him lying on the back patio in his sleep togs spread eagled playing up the drama of not having food and water all day. I pointed at the garden hose and informed him that the green thing coiled up at the corner of the house had all the water he could ever want so next time do his damned chores or.... do what I did as a kid. Drink out of the house.
The second time he tested us was a cold day so as we dragged him out of bed we told him to grab his comforter because he was going to need it since he would be spending the day somewhere other than in the house.
On those two occasions he had to complete all of the previous days chores and the current days chores before we left for work the next AM and do it all without waking us up.
A couple of weeks after the second event, he enlisted in the USAF.
So, give your SKid a taste of reality, none of this "I'm 18 and can do what I want" crap. Show him exactly what lippy 18yo non adults get to live like if they don't keep their mouths under control and their heads engaged with reality.
My former SS (He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.) is now 26, has been in the USAF for 8 years and is kicking butt in life. His mom and I are very proud of him.
Though his survival was a closely run thing when he was in the idiot teen boy phase of his life. His mom and I could not agree to strangle him at the same time. One or the other of us was willing to give him one more day. So.... he survived and is thriving as an adult
But... he only survived by the skin of his teeth.