Struggling with emotions
Ok so first post EVER so let me begin with my background: My oldest daughter is my "SD". I married her mother when she was 6 years old and have known her since she was 5. We have been married for 10 wonderful years and have had 3 other kids come along. Let me say that the relationship with my SD (btw I have never used that word (step) until today :(:() and the others has been nothing short of wonderful. She is a great person. The BD is completely out. Total bum that gave up. I loved her the moment I first saw her, and I thought we had a GREAT relationship.
My SD and I have had discussions about our relationship. I am a very open person and back when she was in 4th grade I told her that she did NOT need to call me "dad". I've also made it a habit to do what I have called "checkups" where her and I talk about things. Well enter high school and teenage years. As you can imagine the problems have mounted. This past year she did things that made us lose trust in her, and changed our view of who she is as a person. We've been slowly mending things and she seems to be happier and more settled. When I was in her room "searching" for things ( lets just say she did ENOUGH to warrant a proper search. Oh and in my house, PRIVACY is something that leaves quickly when rules are broken) I noticed something that I have never noticed before: there were no pictures of me. Also, she recovered a puppy her BD had given to her back when I first came into the picture. She sleeps with it every night, holding it in her arms. This next thing is going to sound extremely petty, but after I noticed all of this, I realized that she has never said "I love you" to me. She's replied to me when I say I love you with a "love you too" or something quick/goofy but she's never really initiated anything emotionally. In the mornings I wake her up for school ( usually 545 am). The other morning she reacted "repulsed" by my touch. You could argue that she was not awake (Her mother and her are NOT morning people AT ALL). But there have been other instances where shes reacted strangely. I wrote her a personal note (handwritten letter) telling her how proud I was of her and that I loved her very much. Days past and she never mentioned it. When I asked her about it, she was like "Oh I forgot about it. you shouldn't put things you want me to read on my bed!". Deflection? Isolated this would seem like nothing, but this happened with an email I sent her 6 months earlier!!
My fear is that she really doesn't like me. The problems we have had this year have shown me that she is fully capable of lying like a pro and can act very calm. I NOW know how to read her lies and it BREAKS MY HEART to watch her do it to my face! But what worries me the most is that she despises me for some reason. Thinks that I'm some interloper in her world and that her BD is still #1. Dang right I'm jealous. What part will I have in her life when she leaves for college? One last thing, my wife doesn't trust her. She says she's immature and that she just needs to grow out of it and that she was testing her boundaries. To me, its deeper. The fact that I'm not somehow represented in picture in her room is telling. Ok have I overreacted/overthought/Too emotional? OH almost forgot. BEFORE all of this stuff happened, her BD had written an apology letter to my wife and my SD. My wife was FURIOUS about the letter but we both agreed she was old enough to read it (she already knows the entire "PG-13 rated" story but I suspect she doesn't trust her mother). Was that wrong? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
Hi tricky...I'm sorry you're
Hi tricky...I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with your SD. Obviously I have no way of knowing exactly what is going on by just one post, but I can give you my personal experience, not with my SD, but myself.
I was a terrible teen. I lied to my parents about where I was going and what I was doing. I smoked and drank, tried pot and skipped school. This all started when I was about 14. I didn't want to stay home. It was all about my friends and going out and having fun. I did love my family, but boy did I give them headaches. My mom STILL rolls her eyes when we talk about it! Of course, because I was so rebellious, my parents and I fought a lot. I'm sad about this now because my dad died 3 weeks before my 17th birthday. He was a cheerful morning person and I was not. We got in a huge fight. He went to work and died at his desk.
I eventually grew out of all that and became a really good person! Just ask me! LOL Seriously, I turned into a responsible, loving adult. I know it's different because they were both my bio-parents, but honestly, I didn't treat them any better than some of the steps on here get treated. It could be an age thing, and she may grow out of it. You're not going to have the same relationship you had when she was a little girl. Whether her BD has anything to do with it, I have no idea. I imagine it's hard knowing there's somebody out there who created you but you don't see. Just like when people die, we tend to put these kinds of people on a pedestal...the fantasy perfect person.
I hope this helped you a little, maybe gave you a different perspective to think about. Good luck with your SD. Please keep us updated!
You remind me very much of my
You remind me very much of my own DH who has wonderfully opened his heart to my 3DS. I know he truly loves them very much. My boys love him too, but my oldest does not show the same affection that the younger ones do, but that's to be expected.
My advice is to just keep doing what you are doing. Most teens don't appreciate ANYTHING. Their perception of things are skewed and they are a self-centered lot. You SD will no doubt appreciate you and realize how good you were to her and how much she really does care about you. It may not be today, tomorrow or even a year from now, but I know that day will come. Heck, I didn't realize how much my parents sacrificed for me until I had my own kids!
Hang in there. I know I can safely say that your DW knows how lucky she is.
I think an important factor
I think an important factor in this situation is the it really, really matters to you whether this girl likes you or not, and you keep trying to get her to prove she does. Any teenager, even a bio, would react against this - so try to not let it matter to you so much, or at least not show her that it matters.
Once you become a bit more laid back about trying to get her liking and approval, trust me, she will like you better.
Wow. Thank you all SO MUCH
Wow. Thank you all SO MUCH for these posts. Kes your post really did get me to thinking.
I believe all of the problems we JUST had have made me work harder to "be there" for her. Maybe she's uncomfortable with it? Its hard for me because I am OPENLY loving. I hug and kiss all of my kids and frequently tell them that I care and talk with them. Kes I will take your advice and "back off" a bit. Wow never really thought about it that way.
That being said, the pictures (or lack thereof) how do I view that? Have I made the mistake of letting her "mistakes" become too big in my mind. Confession: I feel utterly betrayed by her and hurt over the "lies". I've pulled her aside on MANY occassions and told her that she can talk to me at ANYTIME about ANYTHING with no consequences. I even joked that she can call "IMMUNITY" over a conversation and her and I will go somewhere chat.
Once again, thank you all for your posts. I BELIEVE in talking things out and it is great to hear other peoples opinions.
Hi Tricky, first off let me
Hi Tricky,
first off let me say I am not a man I am a sm. I am new to the site so have been browsing all over the place. Your post came to me and I have to add my 2 cents. I don't think you should stop being who you are to your SD. Continue as you have been with her all the years of her growing up. You don't need me to tell you that all thi has sparked off from the letter from BD. SHe sounds to me that she is struggling to come to terms with the whys, why her BD is not and has not been the dad you have. She is resentful of the situation and she is taking it out on you because deep down she trust you more than anything else and she is in a deeply rooted hidden way testing your love for her. If she is difficult will you run and withdraw from her as well? The cuddling of the dog toy is evident that she needs to have the connection with bd that she never has and has always had with you, the dog is the subsiitute right now. She is feeling resentful, not towards you, but because of you. She is questioning why she can't and couldn't have with BD what she has always had from you. Its not easy for her. On the one hand she wants what she has and has had from you but resents that she can't have it from bd. If she accepts from you what you freely give she is being disloyal to bd. Crazy because she knows deep down that he does not deserve her loyalty but she is trying to make sense of it all and thinks that by giving you what she feels and what she really wants to give you, is taking from him. Her comment about your note tells me that is how she is feeling. It is like when I go to hug my ss9 when he has just been dropped off my bm or is being picked up, as I hug him he makes some excuse that I have hugged him to tight or hurt him or caught his hair - none of it happens but it is his way of trying to deflect his true attachment for me, when his bm is around. He can't deal with his bm's resentment towards me because the kids love me.
I hope this helps you. Try to be patient with her and don't back off - she is testing you, although she does not realise it herself. Be you, as you always have been, and always will be - be you.
How do I know this? because my own son did it with me when his bd finally got in touch after 15 years. bd had always known were we were and could have made effort any time. His re emergence in our lives was short lived, as I knew it would be, but while he was around son was 'off' with my husband who had raised him from age 5. Once son had worked it through in his own head things settled down. A rough ride all around but my avise to you is to continue to be consistant with sd, and act as you always have.
Good luck.
JeannieJake THANK YOU Btw I
JeannieJake THANK YOU
Btw I did try to back off, and her response over the past 2 days? : " What is wrong? are you mad at me?". I was shocked. Same thing yesterday as I was working in the bathroom she rounded the corner and asked if I was mad at her. I was honest and said that I was not. Thank you for sharing your experience too because we are in the exact same position. To make matters worse, BD remarried and recently LEFT that family too. His ex contacted my wife to ask why she left him. I have never met the BD. Everyone that knows him says he's really a good guy, just stuck on drugs and can't grow up. I don't know how a "good guy" can abandon a wonderful little girl (and now a little boy).
Tttrickyyy, sounds like you
Tttrickyyy, sounds like you are doing a great job and she obviously feels confident enough in your love to give you a hard time, because all of our kids give us a hard time as they get older and try to spread their wings. The old saying you always hurt the one you love is definately true. I was a single mum for many years, and didn't remarry until my children were all in their 20's, and even though I was the only solid rock in all my children's lives for you, boy did they let me have it at times when they were in their early to late teens, now I can honestly say, I have all the love and respect anyone could desire from them, and if they don't feel that way they are sure doing a damn good job of pretending:) Perhaps you are feeling out of it because you see yourself as the Step parent in this, sounds to me like she is treating you more like the bio parent here and that's pretty good that she trusts you enough to dump on you like a normal teenager. I think she is growing up and just needs the space, and I think you were wise enough and loving enough to give it to her, it is intresting that she cared enough to ask if you were mad at her, clearly she doesn't want to hurt you, and definately doesn't want to alienate you. If she asks again are you mad at her, let her know, absolutely not, I am there for you anytime anywhere, but you are growing up and I need to respect your space now. She is a lucky girl and I think she knows it. She will get with your support over the rough years, just wait it out and try to see it is not personal, just normal. Strap on the seat belt the ride can get rough.
Your SD is going to remember
I am a SM and MY DH and use
I am a SM and MY DH and use this line whenever it warrents
The bottom line is I love you. No matter what you do I love you.
We have also told him what we expect out of him in language he understands. Being consistent is the best policy.
Hang in there.
Wow thank you all so much for
Wow thank you all so much for the replies. Ok so now things have really become better. I mean night and day. Friday, we have both agreed to sit down and have a discussion about "us". There are some things she wants to say and I of course want to address as well. My wife is super excited about this because she thinks this is the right time and that she never had a similar conversation with her step dad. Hopefully these posts will help another "step parent" along the way!
HUGE curveball! So she's been
HUGE curveball! So she's been hiding a boyfriend! What makes matters worse is that she told her friends that she was going to hide the relationship. So all of the kindness and head nodding was to protect a 2 week old relationship! UGH. LOL. Teenagers suck.
Emotional Intelligence is a
Emotional Intelligence is a pretty Emotional sms new facet of psychology and whenever anything new comes along.
As long as she kinda likes
As long as she kinda likes you & acts like she hates you more so than not, its all good! Girls are difficult people & down right nightmares when teenagers but keep on loving her. We mentally & physically mature fast yet behave immature much of our time as teenagers. You can try to keep the communication door open to her & when she feels comfortable enough, she will come to you. Don't take it personal, im sure your doing the best you can & love her. Just like yourself, she feels confused at times too.