Hi loststepdad. Welcome to the site.

You must really love this girl to want to be a part of someone else's child's life in such a big way. It will not be easy and you need to weigh up all the facts first. Like what if the biodad comes back into your lives after you've bonded with this child and creates living hell for you...will you be able to handle that? Can you afford to look after this new family especially if the biodad does not contribute? Will you be able to cope with all the child support issues (if that applies..and it should).

Think hard and deep about this one...you are still so very young.

Step parenting is not heaven, it is HELL! Ask anyone on this site. Do yourself a favour and read some of the posts here. I don't want to scare you off...just want you to go into this informed and to have the least amount of regrets in the long run.

Good luck!
MG

First of all I'll assume you've been seeing her less than 16 weeks? This girl is pretty lame to have allowed herself to get pregnant in this day and age. Yet you think she's marriagable material.

Now is the time to run.

First you don't know this girl anywhere long enough to know if you two will be able to sustain this relationship.

Second you're probably playing the Knight in Shining Armor also known as The Rescuer. You see this damsel in distress and you just know you can save the day and become her hero. And a hero you will be until about a month after you get married and real life punches you both in the gut.

As MaGoose said being a step parent can be hell but its likely you would be able to pull off a step-parent adoption and the kid will relate to you as its natural father. It also means there is at least a 50/50 chance, or is it 60/40 chance now-a-days you'll end up paying child support for someone elses kid while she uses your bonding love for the kid as a weapon against you.

Kid let me tell you that you are headed into the worst mistake of your life. Simply tell her you admire her honesty in telling you right up front what the situation is but you're simply too young to be a father to even your own kid set aside someone elses.

And "lost" you are exactly that. And too young. Do not marry anyone until you are at least 25 and go have fun for now. That's what youth was meant to do.

LostStepDad.....make sure you truely love this woman and feel you can make a committment to her before you do. You can raise this child as yours and if you're willing to do so your name can be put right on the birth certificate. I had a cousin who was raised by his SD, bio dad died. He was later told the story but he respected it. Good luck to you.

Yes, a father does not have to show proof of blood in order to be on the birth certicate. You may check your state to be sure. I knew someone who was in your situation, mom put other man's name on birth certificate, they were not married. She knew the child was not his. She is now back with bio dad and still not married. They had to do blood tests to prove the child was his. The only thing about this is, if you do not stay with this lady and you are the parent on the birth certificate, she can persue you for child support and that's why I say you need to be sure you want to make this committment. I knew someone who did this and so non bio dad who was legally father to girl was paying for a child he no longer saw. Another plus in having your name on the birth certicate is that you have legal rights to the child, say something happens to bio mom. That is something we can't foresee but if she were to get in an auto accident and you have been raising this child and she is no longer in the picture you have no legal rights to the chgild if your name is not on the birth certicate. I hope that all makes sense.

Oh sweetie. ((hugs)) I think you have a good heart. I have child who is your age. I would tell him not to get involved with a women who is pregnant with another man's child. Not because he wouldn't make a wonderful father...he would! As I'm sure you would as well.

But 20 years old is so young. You should be focusing on education and career. And most of all, living your life. There will be plenty of time for a wife and kids later.

It's really nice that you want to be there for her and her baby. That is very noble and loving of you. But, keep in mind that even though her and her baby's dad got into the fight and he said mean things, women do go back and forgive even though she says no she wont. Women always give the benefit of the doubt and she IS pregnant with his baby still so anything can happen.

My husband now and I have been together for years and when I was pregnant we had a HUGE falling out. We broke up for a month, he seen another girl, lied about it and we had it out. I wanted to rip his head off along with another important part of his. After about a month, we slowly started talking again. Even though there was hate there toward him, we eventually worked it out. When it was happening I HATED him and was just disgusted. We started out on a rocky path too. Every case is different, but I wanted to let you know another side just so you have your eyes open.

So what I am trying to say is be careful so you don't get too attached too fast and get your heart broken, especially if they already have a history together. Sometimes it's easier to step back a bit and look at things. Not saying to stay away from her, but just be aware of what's going on fully and don't let love blind you too much.

If I was in your spot, on the man side, I would sit back and kind of wait. No need to rush into it. Even though your young and probably more mature then other 20yr olds, you do seem like you know what you want and you do seem like you are ready for a family. But, like the others suggested on here, I would live life a bit more first b/c once you do have kids and a family you don't have a lot of time to do anything. Before you know it, you will be older and have missed it all.

I had my daughter at 21 and I wish I would've at least waited until I was 30 to do it. I have friends that don't have any kids and they are doing a bunch of things that I never got to do back then. You will have missed hanging out with your friends and doing the fun things. Go on a couple road trips and hang out a bit longer. You job seems almost stable so that part is fine, but have some fun. Your not even 21 yet so life hasn't really even started.

I would also suggest since you like her to just maybe to date her for a bit. You don't need to sign the birth certificate yet. If the bio dad doesn't end up doing it there is always time to do it in the future. Him signing it doesn't make him a dad anyway. Kids remember when you are there for them and take care of them. Anyone can be a dad, but it takes more to be an actual father. You have plenty of time to bond with the baby.

The plan you have sounds great. Nothing wrong with laying things on the line. Just don't ever feel like you "have" to do something b/c of the baby. People sometimes make choices when it comes to a kid/s, which it's nice to keep kids in mind, but they forget to keep in mind if the parents aren't happy then the kids aren't going to be happy either in the long run. Don't feel like you have to sign the paper, which I know you said you are holding off on it, but if it comes up again. You wont love the baby any less or more if you sign the paper.

Since you have already had many experiences, that does make a little bit of a difference b/c you have seen what's out there and are ready for the next step. Her being pregnant with someone else's baby is a little different then it being your own baby though. You will just have a little drama that will come with it, such as her baby's dad. If he's not in the pic at all, it would be diff, but if he is going to be in the pic then you will both have to put some extra effort and trust forward.

As you can see on this site that many of us vent and it's great that you come here to vent too, but it's what we are all venting about that brought us here. When drama comes into your life it becomes tough at certain points. If your ready for that, then I wish you all the luck in the world, but just go in cautiously. She may love you and you love her, but since another man is in the pic at this time, even if they are fighting, just be careful. There is nothing wrong with waiting things out and taking it slow so you have no regrets

OK "lost" if you insist on going through with this. The mother can name anyone she wishes as the father. As long as no one objects then no one cares.

As for the bio-dad just bribe him if necessary - i.e. if he comes forward and tries to create problems just remind him of 18 or 21 years of child support facing him.

He'll disappear.

But my previous advise stands. RUN. And if you don't -- don't get your name on the certificate.

"Lost" I had to come back and add something that popped into my head. I guess my sub-conscious is working on your question.

You said you've loved this girl for several years. Yet only now she shows enough interest in you to make you consider marriage?

If this is so then the red flag flying is so large the army would call it a "Garrison Flag" i.e. it'll cover half a football field. Literally.

Many a girl has suddenly come in need of a father for her child. Sometimes even she doesn't realize whats going on. You be extremely careful here "lost".

You really need to wait until the kid is born before you make any poor choices here.

Jeeze I want to put you in a freezer for a year and thaw you out afterwards. You need a time-out on this.

Loststepdad:
Run, Run as fast as you can and don't look back. I am serious you will regret it if you don't. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and a promising career ahead of you. There will be lots of other girls in your life that you will fall in love with. If this girl is only 16 weeks pregnant with someone elses child then you don't even know her. I mean a one on one relationship for at least 2 years, and that is without a third party around to cater too. Just rememeber while you were away she spread her legs for another man without even a thought about you. You will have no rights to this child unless you adopt him/her and only with the consent of the Bio Dad. Which probable will not happen because he will be back in the picture and you will not be able to do anything about it. Once you enter the STEPPING their is no backing out. It will affect your life forever and I mean forever. Even when they turn 18 you can't get away from it. It stays with you no matter what. No matter how much you say you love this girl, in a few years or less you will have a whole different outlook but by then it will be too late. Learn from someone that has lived through it. Save yourself and enjoy life. Because if you don't, life as you know it will end very soon. So Run, Run as fast as you can and don't look back. Don't ever say you were never warned. It's too late for me.

Hello loststepdad!

New to the site as well and must say I am impressed by your desire to do what you feel is right. Try to keep in mind, if you give up the dreams you have, or the plans you have now, they may come back as resentments toward both the bm and child later. You need to kleep yourself healthy, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I love the advise above that you were given. You can love her and support her without marrying or putting your name on the certificate. Try to date for a while she will not go anywhere if she truly loves you. If she truly loves you and respects you she will respect your decision and your actions.

Sounds like you have a great heart - remember it is not selfish to take care of yourself, if you are trying to improve yourself so you may properly care for others.

Look. I gotta agree with OldDart. Im 22 and Ive been a full time, custodial stepmom since the week after my 21st birthday - and massively involved with kiddo since I was 19 and he was nearly 2. I love kiddo, and I love my husband... But if a magical fairy appeared in front of me right now and asked me if I would rather have spent 19 and up partying, studying, hanging out, gettin in trouble, finding a cool job etc or spend 19 and up potty training, staying home on saturday night (and every other night), doing laundry, studying, making dinner, watching kids movies, dealing with a psychotic pathological babymomma, working, going to bed at 9pm cause im exhausted, packing lunches, doing dishes and cleaning and just generally being freaking lame... Guess which one im gonna pick? I love my family and I wont change it now, but ... god man, i just wish i coulve had some more time for ME, you know. Dont do it... yall can be friends, you can keep in touch, you can be her shoulder to cry on but if you do this, there will always be a part of you that regrets not waiting.