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Venting!! SS filthy room!

MoonlightMama's picture

Just needing to vent. I've posted before SS10 room is filthy... it is never clean and you can hardly see the floor most of the time and it smells like urine. He leaves cups and plates and wrappers even though he isn't supposed to have those in his room except 1 cup for water. He has destroyed some of my cups from them being smashed or stepped on and was restricted to only using certain cups as a result. Most recently though...there was this awful almost fishy like smell in the house. We tried to find the root cause and after cleaning the sink, play area, trash, etc... we couldn't find it. DH accused the litter box which was 25% full receptacle (self clean), my cat, and BD10 room which yes does smell like cat since my cat primarily is in her room. We desperately need to clean the carpets. However ironically...DH actually found the smell coming from SS room with his trash can full of some unidentified liquid and a sandwhich with mold all inside. DH confronted him and he claims that he "doesn't remember". He was subsequently grounded just from playing with the neighbor kids for 1 day to clean his room and no longer allowed to have drinks or food (which I doubt will be followed since he never followed the 1 cup and no food rules we had before...). I am just beyond irritated with SS and DH. I know that his parenting is inadequate and likely won't change. This kid is not responsible whatsoever and is never forced to take ANY accountability. We were all breathing in his disgusting moldy liquid trash and nothing. I'm not expecting anything drastic but 1 day and a "do better" talking to isn't going to cut it anymore with this kid. I am trying so hard to completely disengage but this makes it so hard. DH refuses to dicipline this child and after years of failed attempts in the beginning of the relationship I am done trying to help him. Just needed to vent. I know DH probably won't change nor will his son...

mapap's picture

Nope! Nothing changes! I'm in the same situation and I'm leaving! I can't live like that. How disgusting, you must be beside yourself 

MoonlightMama's picture

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation. I'm sure one day I'll say enough is enough. The lack of accountability is just awful.

CajunMom's picture

I'm a clean person and I keep a clean and maintained home. I raised two kids who knew better than to leave their rooms like pig pens. They'd have been sleeping on the couch while their room "stayed clean." I'd break and have a meltdown. Someone would start enforcing cleanliness with his kid(s) or someone would be packing all their stuff with said kid(s). Smells coming from the room?? I could not live like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this problem.

MoonlightMama's picture

Yeah, I do my best to keep up with the house and while its never spotless there is a limit and smells and food is 100% over the limit. I have tried to be the enforcer for years but he usually does does a poor job and procrastinated and it usually ends up being an argument with DH as he thinks I'm too strict. Yet, I think he's way too lenient. I do like the idea of packing up the room!

Harry's picture

When he comes home from work. He should go into SS room and make sure it's clean or make him clean it ASAP. 
If he inspects the room daily. It's will not get that way.  DH is the parent he needs to do this. That parenting.  SS has showed he needs this type of supervision 

MoonlightMama's picture

DH did for 1 day and now its back to the "honor system" where when SS says its clean he believes him. He has consistently not done his chores well or his room. The ONLY time its clean is when DH helps him clean and clear out junk about 1x a year. I plan to do periodic room checks to see if I can see any food or anything that would cause a smell. If I get too hard on him its an argument...

Shieldmaiden's picture

My advice is: wait til the kid is at BM's. Deep clean his room and recover all your dishes. Rent a steam cleaner and clean the carpet. Wipe down the walls with bleach. Get him a trash can with a food pedal and a lid that auto-closes. Hide air fresheners all around his room (sew them into the curtains, etc. ) 

Then Dexter Morgan that room. I mean cover EVERY floor, wall, and ceiling in sheets of plastic. Hang flypaper from the ceiling. Put a biohazard bin in the corner. He gets a plastic anti-pee cover on the mattress and disposable (cheap sheets that can be thrown away when he leaves, because you arent' washing them. ) Now this kid can't harm your home, and you can close the door when his smell gets too bad. If he expresses surprise at the level of containment you have implemented, just tell him his disgusting ways have created unhealthy living conditions for him and your family, so this is what needs to happen if he is going to continue living like a pig in pigsty.

Then: snap a picture of his face when he sees it, so you can laugh your ass off for months to come. 

MoonlightMama's picture

Love this. That picture is a great idea!! Haha those are some pretty great suggestions! Really like the idea of the cheap sheets and air fresheners..lots of air fresheners. I definitely think washing the walls is 100% needed at this point. We have SS full time BM not in the picture.

Cover1W's picture

OK, read my past blogs. OSD's room was JUST as bad. I could smell it from the hallway with the door closed. That was my limit (after multiple suggestions and request to DH that it be cleaned).

So I gave both DH and OSD three warnings over the course of a month:  "Please make sure the room is cleaned fully by "X Date." If it's not cleaned properly (that's the key - OSD would simply shove everything, moldy and all, into the closet and drawers and do no laundry instead of actually cleaning) by then, I will do it and you may not like it."

I gave DH one final warning before that weekend. It remained. So I removed 6 (SIx!) trash bags from her room - literally everything not in a reasonable place was bagged - I had to go through the closet, drawers, underneath furniture to find everything; moldy food and mugs, broken things, dirty tissues all over the floor in heaps, makeup all over the floor, moldy towels, sheets not washed for months and months and gray. It was disgusting.

I did this two times. DH allowed her the first time to use the bags in the garage as her storage unit - she woud just go get things as she needed them and there was zero accounability (she was supposed to sort through them for trash/keep but nooooooo that was too hard). I eventually just took them to the dump. The second time DH was mad at ME. Oh, really - so we have rats, mice and ants in the area and you are OK with her room being a beacon for them?  By this point her carpet was done, so I told him yet again, fine, I'll leave it again, but smells in the hallway yet again will result in a full clean out. And if we get any vermin - You, DH and only you, will be responsible for pest control and payment.

She eventually PASd out after this, and when DH and I cleaned out her room for the final time - he was disgusted. And it wasn't even as bad as before. Yeah, becuase I was lying before, right DH?

Anyway, smells in the house, filth vs. mess (there is a difference!!! point this out...messy is OK, filth is NOT OK), vermin, destruction of household items is an automatic NO.

MoonlightMama's picture

Read some of your blogs and wow! I related to sooo much! I would love any tips on disengaging. I've been slowly doing that for years and we have him full time as BM is not in the picture at all.

Wow, 6 trash bags is crazy! I believe DH took out quite a few as well when he cleared out his room last. We also have mice and ants in the area and I am just hoping that we never have that problem in our home because of him. I would be so livid at that point.

I just couldn't believe how easy he went on him after because I could tell DH was disgusted. Especially after blaming EVERYONE else but SS...I thought that was ironic lol will definitely read some more of your blogs. I feel for you! Our partners have a bit in common. 

Rags's picture

Part of that process is daily inspections at the Squad level, periodically at the platoon and company level, and weekly at the Corps level.  The big one is AFI (Annual Formal or Federal Inspection) which  is the full meal deal inspection of the entire school, grounds, facilities, rooms, uniforms, weapons, etc.... 

Paste waxing the common area floors after doing the floors, etc... in your own room with your room mate  is a true lesson in team work and group accountability.

For the nasty pigs who fail to support the success of the unit, blanket parties in the middle of the night get them in line in a hurry.  No nasty rooms tolerated, no stench either body or garbage tolerated, no disorderly uniforms tolerated, no failure to do school work tolerated, no continual acts of nonconformity tolerated, no lies tolerated, no cheating tolerated, tolerance of anyone who fails to comply is nearly zero and the consequences drive escalating misery. Which is why not too many fail to comply.

It worked wonders on our son (my SS),  it worked wonders on me, it worked wonders on my younger brother, and it worked wonders on our dad. These schools are experts at instiling confidence, performance, accountability, and standards even into kids who are near the write off point.

MoonlightMama's picture

Definitely would be a great idea. I would be all for it because I know if he was given a push in the right direction and forced to take ANY accountability he would be so much neater. Unfortunately DH would never consider that. He is way to easy on him. Bummer.

Kona_California's picture

YES I agree that military school could help. Yes it makes them more cleanly and have a routine but really the confidence building is pretty big. 

Kona_California's picture

Ugh god I can't even imagine the frustration you are experiencing! I've always had really sensitive sense of smell and strong, unpleasant odors drive me so crazy I can't concentrate on anything else. 

I would sit your DH and SS down and tell them you are seriously hurting because of this. This situation is an urgent matter that needs attentoin immediately. It's so urgent that the Wifi will be shut off until the room is clean. The kid might not know how to clean the type of bio hazard in his room (which is frustrating in and of itself) so I would say DH please teach him and if he won't do it, then it's YOUR responsibility. 

I personally would never be the one to clean that nasty mess. I would tell DH he needs to hire someone to do it, do it himself, or get his kid to do it. 

MoonlightMama's picture

Yeah, talking to both of them might help temporarily. DH was grossed out but you're right if he won't teach him or keep up with checking then I'm going to tell him he needs to hire someone to deep clean it. DH hasn't been super great at monitor his room before or even his chores as those fall to me to regulate which is annoying but if I don't of will never get done. Maybe financially he will be motivated.