New to this...
Hi - this is my first time posting and first time asking for advice, so bear with!!
I am in my first ever relationship with somebody with kids. My partner has a 4 year old son and things are still pretty bitter from his ex, and she really dislikes me. My partner and I have a really good relationship, we communicate well and have known each other for years. His son seems to like me and so far things have been going pretty well introducing me into his life slowly.
I am genuinley not a jealous person however I have found that I get pangs of jealousy when I think about my partner and his ex, the life events they have shared together and the fact they've had a child together. Do these feelings get easier the further along the line the relationship gets?
I know that my partner no longer loves his ex but I suppose I worry that I will always feel like I am in competition with her because she has given him the best and most important thing in his life - his son.
I sometimes feel that when ever me and my partner have little arguments or disagreements, my brain defaults to thinking that he must surely rather go back to putting up with her and seeing his son than stay with me and see him less if we argue too! I know this is silly because I know he is much happier with me generally and know that every couple is bound to argue.
I suppose I'm just looking for some reassurance that these feelings are natural to experience as it's my first time being with someone who has to still be involved with their ex, and that they do get better and some advice on how to deal with the little pangs of jealousy please.
I just really want to get this right and be the best and most supportive partner I can be.
Feelings about the child's mom
I really know what you are going thru. I'm a 75-year old BM & SM of 5 but I remember those feelings from 40+ years ago like it was yesterday. It is so irrational, my brain tells me, but it was one of the most intense emotions I ever experienced. And, I've never felt that about any other person. I think you nailed it when you said you are jealous of the fact thst she gave him the child. My DH has 3 kids & I felt that, too. You asked if the feelings subside. It only subsided for me once the kids moved in full time. Then, there wasn't so much interaction with her. But before then, the drop-offs, the kids innocently talking about Mom, the times I did the pickups or drop offs & saw her, etc. I don't know the answer. After all this time, i wish I hadn't given her all that headspace. And, years later I heard she was jealous of me! One thing thst helped, and you'll see the recommendation on Stepralk, is to let your partner handle all communication with her and discuss it as little as possible with you. In the pre-cell days, she called him at work and that worked out well. Good luck and try not to let her have too much if your headspace, if you can help it.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your reply. I was so worried I'd be told "you're not up for this" and that if I can't manage these feelings now how can I in the future, but I'm so determined to make this work because I love my partner.
At the moment I suppose I ask quite a lot about their conversations, interactions etc because I want to know what's going on but I guess you're right - the less I know the better I suppose!
I don't know if his son will ever live with us full time. I can't imagine her ever allowing that! How did that come to happen with you guys if you don't mind me asking?
Long story
You know, i can't really put my finger on why they came, lol. The fact of the matter is we had 4 years of back and forth visitation with the stays lengthening from weekends to " if they aren't in school, they're here + 2 weeknites". It was awful, the transition and now I realize it was hard on the kids, too. BM was meanwhile at the start of her relationship with the man she'd eventually marry, so she was busy. The kids didn't like him, either. Things got very tense here, long story, and I started in counseling, a godsend. Coincidentally, or not, that summer the middle boy, 13 then, just seemed to be here more and wanted to move in. I was fine with that, always got along with him well. So he started school. Then at Thanksgiving, my SD, 15, had a blow up with BM & ran away. Next thing I knew, she was moving in, a very different proposition since she was (and is) quite high maintenance. Six months later, the youngest boy, 9, moved in, i guess he thought why not. All I can say is thank God for the counseling which enabled me to get thru it.
Want to hear how crazy i was?
Here are examples of the things i did due to jealousy of BM: wait by the window behind the drapes so i could see her when she drove up for dropoff, what was she wearing? Subtly and sneakily listen to the kids or anybody else talk about her then obsess endlessly. Notice carefully how she looked as I dropped off the kids (she had beautiful legs and a great tan). Try to tan my pale freckled body and get mad at myself because I couldnt achieve her tan. Look up her boyfriend's name in the phonebook and try to figure out where he lived. I could go on and on, it's so embarrassing! Lol.
Lol!! What did you do to help
Lol!! What did you do to help/ eventually feel better?! Or did you not?!
Didnt feel better
I didnt feel better until she was in our life less. It was a combination of the kids living here and her starting her new relationship. I wish i had a better answer for you. Sounds like you are just going to go thru it for awhile, im sorry.
The funny thing is, our BM was no prize. I wonder why I was so affected. Certainly not a Rhodes Scholar, i don't even know if she finished high school, come to think if it. Never worked. Average looks but i was prettier, lol
Want to hear the last crazy example of my obsession? She died a few years ago and to my surprise, the kids wanted us to come to the funeral home. So we went but I kept a super low profile, sat in the back, talked to the grandkids. But when we got ready to leave, i just had to walk up closer. I just had to see for sure that she was really dead. How ghoulish. I would never admit it to the kids, of course they still grieve. But i bet you understand. Lol.
Do not give the XWBM any
Do not give the XWBM any space in your head. Your first mistake.... and it the biggest one you can possibly make in a relationship with a prior relationship breeder... is your absolute error in giving BM any standing in your relationship and granting her some magic place as the golden uterous that gave your SO "the best and most important thing in his life... his son". Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! You are the most important thing in your SO's life. You have given him the honor of spending his life with you. Whatever life brings, you and he are equity life partners and will make your lives together. Not having clarity on this will make any time you and SO have pure hell. Regardless of how long that relationship will be.
BM is his past, you are his present and his future. You have to clearly give BM only one choice that is to shut TFU, zip her lip, stay the hell out of your life and your relationship.... or suffer.
You and your SO must make each other and your relationship the sole top priority above all else. Including children, regardless of kid biology. Kids are the top relationship responsibility but never pre-empt the realtionship as the priority. Ever. Period. Your SS will grow up and will have his own life as will any children that you and your SO have together. If you grant that kid and his BM some magical status your relationship with your SO is doomed before it really gets started.
You need clarity on this and so does your SO.
BM gets zero say and zero status in your relationship.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I am going to screenshot this
I am going to screenshot this and refer back to it every time I feel this way! Thank you so much for your honest response.
You're right, I've even thought about trying to make amends with his ex when she has literally made my life hell for months. Why should I when she is no part of mine and my partners relationship?
You are right. As lucky as I am to have my partner he is equally lucky to have me. We have been through a really tough couple of months and I think my confidence has been knocked sub-zero, so this is just the boost and attitude check I needed.
Thank you so much
One more thought
I had a neighbor who also had the stepchild situation. She had been a widow with 5 (!) kids & she married a widower with 2 kids and they had an "ours". Yes, 8 kids. She had a white-hot jealousy of his former wife and the woman was dead! " I'm tired of hearing about Lorraine!" And to top it off, the 2 kids had been adopted, the former wife didnt even bear them! So, perhaps our jealousy is more about the relationship than the child?
Wishing you you the best.
Thank you for your well
Thank you for your well wishes. As they'd not long split up before my partner and I got together, things are still quite fresh in terms of being away from his son and their arrangements are not yet concrete. I suppose this makes me more nervous. I've recently been expressing my insecurity to him but as she was incredibly jealous and controlling I am so worried he will think I'm like her!! A lot of the time I can express my worries rationally but other times they just come out in anger - anger that they've talked all day (about their son, but still!!), anger that he's stayed at her house for a chat after drop offs etc. And if he thinks that, why would he be with me, without his son, when he could just be with her and be with his son!
Part of me knows it was a massive step for him to leave her, and that he wouldn't do that lightly, but I always worry that he'll have a change of heart if they're getting along or she's being sensible (not a regular occurance!).
Do these feelings go away?
The feelings will go away if
The feelings will go away if you make them go away. When my bride and I met she had been split from the SpermIdiot for about 6mos. We married 8mos later. Certainly not a long interval for her as far as the relationships are concerned.
I was just over three years post divorce when we met and we married on what very well could have been the 4th anniversary of my divorce hearing. I do not recall the date but it was in the Jul/Aug time frame.
Neither my bride nor I have ever expressed jelosy of the other's pasts. Those experiences are part of what make us such good partners and good for each other.
As is likely the case for you and your DH.
I would not change a thing. Our pasts are critical to who we are.
We like each other. We both detest our Xs. That works for us.
If your SO still is pining for his X, then you need to have the self worth and confidence to cut him loose and get on with your life sans his baggage.
I can see why you'd be nervous
The all-day talks about the son and the post-drop off chats would make me nervous, too. You'll just have to see if they subside. For us, it took awhile. We moved in in June and I'll never forget the first Christmas when he went over there in the morning to be there when they opened gifts. And at one point, when we were hypothetically discussing what we would do in the event that one of us died, he said he'd "give her another chance" for the kids' sake. (She was the one who left). Well, as you can imagine, i saw red over that.
I was thinking about your post last night and remembered what I told my daughter when she told me about meeting her now-husband who had been married before. She had that jealousy about a former spouse and I told her that as they shared day after day together, that the new memories would overlay those old ones and eventually the ex would be a distant memory. That's true for you, too, except a child means it takes longer. Another thing to consider: sharing the ups and downs of his child's life with you can bring you two closer, it's an intimate thing to share. That's what happended with us as we shared it all, we are " deeper than dirt". The downside is it can also tear you apart as you can see on this site.