Why should I have to raise HIS kids.
Okay... I'll start from the begining.
Me and partner have been together for a few years, he has 2 kids, son 9, daughter 4 with Ex Wife (Ex Wife also has a 3 year old to another man that lives with the father)), 1 with me, and I have 1 from a previous relationship (who I have sole custody). My step kids live in Scotland and we live in Lutton England, so my partner only visits them once or twice a year, or they come here in the summer hollidays for a week. Tbh my partner hasnt been the best dad. He could have tried harder. I have to push him to see his kids, it annoys me. Tho he is a loving dad to the Son he has with me. And he is a present parent to my eldest, but hes not heavily involved with him. Basicly my Son wouldn't feel comfortable calling him dad but they are freinds.
I do %95 of the childcare and house work as im a stay at home mum and he works. Also I have been left slightly disabled from a car crash a few years back that occasionaly causes me pain but it dosent affect my motheing abbilities. My partner is lazy. Its an argument to get him to do anything. For example ive been waiting since last month for him to fix the wardrobe door that fell off... Still waiting. Somedays I can't belive that im still in love with him, but I do, deeply love him.
The social have been involved this last year. The Mum has been heavily involved with drugs and is neglecting the children. After numerous attempts to help. The social have spoke to my partner this morning and have told him that they are wanting him to take the kids because its going to court in a couple of days.
The little time I spent with my stepkids was hell as both of them have learning difficulties and behaviour problems. Also I always looked after them and my partner would carry on sitting on his arse when he came home from work so everyday we would argue.
Im so mad because he hasn't thought about my feelings and how its goingo affect me and my two childrens lives. My partner says he will help out and keeps saying that once there in a routine they wont behave as bad. But I know him well. Every day he will do less and less and the kids problems aint gunna change because they will have a bed time. Im furious that because I'm a good mother I have to look after their kids. I wont even have any help as his parents live in Greece and mine already dont look after my kids as is so that wont change.
I dont want to do this but the only other option is they go into care according to my partner.
I really really dont want to raise his kids. Him and her made these kids and I dont force my son on him so why should I do what he hasn't done for me?
Yes im being selfish but I feel like this is suffocating me. Because I knew he had kids and he now has a stepkid (that I lookafter, not him) everyone is just expecting me to be okay with it.
Has any one been in a similar possition? I need to know what did you do? And how you delt with the aftermath and how you are still coping? Tbh I feel like this has been one big rant but I have no one too turn too of speak to. Thats why I joined today. Thanks..
Why?
Why would you be with a man that you claim is not a good father? and more importantly why would you have a child with this guy?
You do not have to raise his
You do not have to raise his kids.
There is another option.
He can leave you and look after his kids on his own.
The risk with stepparenting which is always there, is that part time parenting becomes a full time undertaking.
Most divorced parents share physical custody of their children EOWE or 50/50 or less.
People think the skids will always be part-timers.
Why is it not reasonable to expect to have the children full time?
In tact families do not get a break from their kids and do not have a choice in raising them.
Your difference is this is someone else's kids.
They are badly behaved and you hardly know them or want them around.
There is a real crisis now in them needing to live somewhere in the mother being unfit.
Is it not likely they will go to their father?
Or does he care so little about what happens to them?
In that case, what makes you think your child with him is any different to the previous two?
Your partner has been taking you for granted.
You have every right to call him lazy.
You can actually show him a better way if you want to.
A better way to raise his child,help around the house.
You could come to an agreement around how to raise or care for his two other children if you speak about it and hold his feet to t he fire when they are in your home.
Or you can end things.
Someone who chooses his to let his children go into foster care because his partner can not deal with his children is not someone I would pin my hopes on.
He is going to
He is going to tell you anything you want to hear as far as how he will "pitch in" to care for the children but if youu don't believe him then you have your answer. He is going to accept the kids into his custody and then leave them for you to take care of. My question to you is whether this would even be allowed if the social services actually were aware of the true situation. Obviously you are in the UK and I am in the US but here if Children and Youth discovered that a parent had no ability to care for the children any more than the parent from whom they were removing the children, but rather they were counting on a girlfriend or boyfriend, the children would be placed with a foster family. Essentially he is putting YOU in the place of a foster mother without informing social services that he is doing it and therefore you will receive none of the support resources that foster parents do such as training for dealing with damaged children of abuse/neglect, availability of respite care for when you are heading to burn out, and financial help for the extra cost of the sudden burden on your household. Without this help, are you qualified to step in to take care of these kids? Your partner may be their parent and may love them but it sounds like he barely knows them and can't be bothered with them so you are not going to have help there.
You will want to be very honest with the social service people. Perhaps if you do choose to do this you will be able to receive the services they offer if they are aware of what is going on. But that would be the ONLY way I would agree to this. Your partner may not like that but it seems like, if he does not have your agreement, he is going to let them go to a foster family anyway because he is certainly not going to take them by himself!
My experience with CPS is
My experience with CPS is that they would give them to any interested and minimally fit person to raise before they would put them in foster care. And as long as dad’s home is reasonably clean and there is food, they don’t care if stepmother does the parenting.
OP, you have to make clear what you will tolerate in terms of your role in this when his kids come. Of course he can’t let them go to foster care. But he will have to step up and be a parent.
Most likely, you pick up the slack which allows him to be lazy, because you want your own child cared for adequately. Women often do that. But he needs to know that won’t be the case with his children.
My concern is that
My concern is that, if OP does not speak up to the agency directly about the fact that she will be the one actually providing the care and will need to avail herself of the resources CPS can provide, the father will not volunteer that information. He will just accept the kids as if he is taking them as a normal participating parent and then skip merrily away once they are placed in the home.
OP, if you are not 100% sure that you can do this and you think that you may end up having to end the arrangement because it is not working for your own child or yourself, you may want to consider that having yet another upheaval for the kids at that point will be even more damaging. A long-term placement with social services that includes visits with the father may be more stable in the long run. I know that this is an unpopular position and I probably will get totally FLAMED for even suggesting such a thing but there are genuinely good foster care parents who have extensive training in helping children who are transitioning from abuse and neglect. The foster system has problems of course but it is not the hell hole it used to be. Stability is going to be key for these kids. Taking them in out of guilt and obligation and then having it not work out is not going to be doing the right thing by anyone.
This is always, always a risk
This is always, always a risk with being a step. If BM died, it wouldn't be any different. They would come to live with you.
Honestly it might be in your best interest to get a job. I don't know if you are able to work but if you can and make enough to cover child care, it might be your saving sanity. The oldest will be in school, hopefully the money saved in child support can send the younger to preschool. If your kids are in daycare/school of some kind, you can give yourself something else to focus on besides your home life.
The biggest thing about this whole situation is you CAN NOT BLAME THE CHILDREN. Your DH basically abandoned them, BM is a druggie and lives in such conditions as the kids can't live there anymore. Who knows what abuses they have been subject to due to drugs?? They need help and they are your husbands responsiblity to care for. With help, and you can find the help!, you and your husband have shot of turning those kids lives around. Talk to the social workers, find out what therapy is offered- Talk to the school, find out what they can do to help. Call the county find out what they can offer. Call the peditrician, find out what they can offer. Find a therapist that specializes in children and traumatic experiences. This will take work on both you and DH's part, but you guys can make it and make the world a safe place for these kids again.
Letting the skids go off to
Letting the skids go off to foster care is not going to necessarily automatically free your DH of his responsibility to them. He very well may have to pay child support an expenses anyway.
Another consideration is , if you leave him over this, he will likely cut any ties to your joint child... just like he did with his first children. You clearly acknowledge he is a crappy father to his 'left behind' kids and you pressure him to see them now when he does. Your own joint child will be treated by him no differently.
Can you afford to leave and raise your two children on your own? You're a stay at home mom now, would your disability prevent you from working outside the home to earn income? Do you receive any child support for your own older son?
No, you shouldn't have to raise his children for him while he sits on his duff, but none of his laziness is the skids fault who now find themselves about to be homeless, perhaps parentless. If they come and you leave, your Dh will just find his next lady to take on the skids for him and wait on him hand and foot... and this next lady will e Sm to your bio son if DH manages to bother having any visitations with your youngest child. And then if anything ever happens to you that lady may be who decides what happens to your child, whether it gets a hoe with a lazy father or off to foster care.
You have a lot to think about.
You can’t sit home and not take care of his kids.
You really have to get a job. Let him make all the pland, on how to get his kids up, to school, after care, ect. But you have to get out of the home or it’s all going to fall on you. If you really don’t like your SD then it really time to make exit plans. You just can not live that way 24/7/365.
You can see what going to happen now. He going to do nothing. His kids will destroy your home, steal from you, badly influenced your own kids. It’s just not worth living that way. Read the blog here.