My SD treats me like a child. I am SICK of the ABUSE
My husband and I have been together for a year and we are expecting twins in May. I already have a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and he has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter's mother died when she was 6 years old. She spends about half of the week if not more living with her grandparents (on her mothers side). When she comes home, it is like a gamble with her emotions. Sometimes she will be very sweet and help out with the baby and be really nice, then others it is TOTAL disrespect towards me. I have actually seen her holding my daughter in her crib against her will... I am afraid she may smother her! This is very scary. She has even started disrespecting her father as well. My husband was out of town for 2 weeks and she was over here putting tons of makeup on in the mirror and dancing like a stripper, taking videos of herself for her friends. I took a look at her cell phone and there was all kinds of nasty messages I would never expect an 11yr old to have in her phone! Her dad told me to take her phone and we would punish her when he gets home. The next morning she woke up looking for her phone to take to school.. I told her that phones werent alowed in school so she called it. I went and grabbed it and she screamed in my face GIVE ME MY F****N PHONE! saying things like you cant tell me what to do! this is my house not yours!
Well her dad came back and we never got a chance to talk about this outburst but the no cell no computer punishment still stands. Anyways she has been starting it again. I came home and she brought her friend off the bus with her and wanted to have a sleep over on a school night. I said no. Her dad wasnt there yet. She kept saying things like ok Ill just ask my dad when he gets home. I told her that I spoke with her dad and that WE decided no sleepovers. I took her friend home and when we got back she started with the disrespectful talk.... Tells me to shut up. She had me make her dinner only to say she didnt want any. She wouldnt do her homework. I told her to go to her room, she wouldnt listen. Her dad was there and heard the whole thing. He left for about a half an hour and when he got back she still didnt do anything. It turned into a battle. She was even disrespectful to him, slammed the door in his face. He ended up taking the door off. This continued to well past her bedtime. He actually had to spank her! My daughter wandered into her room and she says things like "get your child away from me!" then says " youre only 23 youre not an adult, I dont have to listen to you" I went to bed and I guess my husband was sick of the arguments with her so he put her door back on and started kissing her ass. I cant stand it anymore. This just reinforces the fact that she can walk all over me.
Today my husband and I got into a fight about it. He thinks that I am egging her on. My point is that she should not talk back to me, regardless of whether i am her step mother or not, I am an adult. What do i do!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!
How about SD not come over
How about SD not come over when your DH is gone for extended periods of time? I would say that temporary solution for now just to save your sanity because you don't need the stress in your condition right now.
((((HUGS))))
well she didnt have to come
well she didnt have to come over. I suggested she come over because I thought maybe we could "bond with eachother". I honestly think she is bipolar. Her biological mother died from drugs... I recently found out she was stripping too... My SD knows how her mom died and my husband tells me that she is starting to act like her mom.... This is not good. Her mother was rebellious and crazy, and her parents (the grandparents) obviously didnt do a good job. This is who is taking care of her!! They have a lot of money and spoil her to no end, she comes over here and expects to be the princess. I wont put up with it anymore. I was letting her treat me this way and trying to just let it roll off my back but enough is enough, my sister thinks I should just be a b**** and tell it like it is. My husband and I are fighting about it now and its driving me nuts. My mother would have smacked me for some of the stuff this little brat says and does to me.
Set up a camera and record
Set up a camera and record everything!
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Is your SD in therapy? I do
Is your SD in therapy? I do not condone her behavior and we are seeing some of the exact same behavior at my house; only it has escalated into serious violence. So you being afraid for yourself and your other children is not out of the question. However, knowing her background (mother passing) she is probably dealing with a lot of emotions. Not only has her mother died, but she has a new adult figure (you) in her life, she has new siblings in her life and she lives part-time with her grandparents. It sounds like a lot for a child to handle.
1. I would ensure she is in aggressive therapy (DH should attend with her at times)
2. I would have the DH understand what the rules are at the grandparents house & consequences & ensure those are consistent with what occurs at your house. I would document what the rules & consequences are and have your house, your SD and her grandparents sign it. Show your SD everyone is on the same page.
3. If the grandparents do not follow the rules, the SD is not allowed there. Period!
4. I would not be alone with her for awhile. Make sure your DH is there and is the authoritative voice. You must follow his lead. If he is not willing to lay down the law, you won't have much of a chance to do it yourself.
5. Ensure there is quality one-on-one time with her for yourself and with your DH. She has lost a lot in her life, with more siblings coming on-board, she is probably feeling alienated.
6. We implemented a 5 minute talking rule. For 5 minutes when the kids get home, they are free to say whatever they want to use with a proper tone and we will simply listen. We won't punish them for any 'admissions' they have unless it endangers someone. So if the child comes home and in a nice tone says "I used your make-up this morning without asking", there isn't a punishment. What is said is "Thank you for telling me. Here is why I don't want you to use my make-up. Please don't let this happen again, if it does, here is the VERY specific consequence that will occur.". We also use this time to just figure out their emotions, find out if they are sad, scared, anxious, etc. I tell you know, this doesn't work well yet, but it is something. And doing something feels better than nothing.
Our house sucks right now, so I hope you don't think I am trying to preach to you. We are far from fixing our problems, but the above are things I know should occur, but implementing them is another story.