What do I do?? my step daughter is trying to ruin my life!
My husband and I have been together for a year and we are expecting twins in May. I already have a 2 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and he has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter's mother died when she was 6 years old. She spends about half of the week if not more living with her grandparents (on her mothers side). When she comes home, it is like a gamble with her emotions. Sometimes she will be very sweet and help out with the baby and be really nice, then others it is TOTAL disrespect towards me. I have actually seen her holding my daughter in her crib against her will... I am afraid she may smother her! This is very scary. She has even started disrespecting her father as well. My husband was out of town for 2 weeks and she was over here putting tons of makeup on in the mirror and dancing like a stripper, taking videos of herself for her friends. I took a look at her cell phone and there was all kinds of nasty messages I would never expect an 11yr old to have in her phone! Her dad told me to take her phone and we would punish her when he gets home. The next morning she woke up looking for her phone to take to school.. I told her that phones werent alowed in school so she called it. I went and grabbed it and she screamed in my face GIVE ME MY F****N PHONE! saying things like you cant tell me what to do! this is my house not yours!
Well her dad came back and we never got a chance to talk about this outburst but the no cell no computer punishment still stands. Anyways she has been starting it again. I came home and she brought her friend off the bus with her and wanted to have a sleep over on a school night. I said no. Her dad wasnt there yet. She kept saying things like ok Ill just ask my dad when he gets home. I told her that I spoke with her dad and that WE decided no sleepovers. I took her friend home and when we got back she started with the disrespectful talk.... Tells me to shut up. She had me make her dinner only to say she didnt want any. She wouldnt do her homework. I told her to go to her room, she wouldnt listen. Her dad was there and heard the whole thing. He left for about a half an hour and when he got back she still didnt do anything. It turned into a battle. She was even disrespectful to him, slammed the door in his face. He ended up taking the door off. This continued to well past her bedtime. He actually had to spank her! My daughter wandered into her room and she says things like "get your child away from me!" then says " youre only 23 youre not an adult, I dont have to listen to you" I went to bed and I guess my husband was sick of the arguments with her so he put her door back on and started kissing her ass. I cant stand it anymore. This just reinforces the fact that she can walk all over me.
Today my husband and I got into a fight about it. He thinks that I am egging her on. My point is that she should not talk back to me, regardless of whether i am her step mother or not, I am an adult. What do i do!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!
Wow, I feel for you. I grew
Wow, I feel for you. I grew up with a younger sister that behaved this way (and still does) and she's in her 20s now.
I can't comment too much but it sounds like there are a lot of things happening. First, she's 11, which means a LOT of changes for her (which I'm sure you can appreciate...we all went through it). She's going to rebel, she's going to try to establish her independence and she's going to fight you because she's trying to figure herself out.
But that's not all. There are a couple of things that flag as concerns. The first is her holding the baby down in the crib. This is purely conjecture but she might be experiencing jealousy (the baby probably gets a lot of positive attention, the baby has both of its parents, etc). It could be a lot of residual, undealt with emotions around her mother's death, it could be a lot of things but it's definitely something that should be addressed and dealt with. Getting her to communicate in a safe environment where she can work through whatever it is that is troubling her is going to be important.
The second thing I noticed you mention was how her father isn't maintaining a unified front with you.
I can't imagine that any of this is easy for you, for your husband or for her. She could even be acting out more because she knows there are now two more little ones on the way and she may be feeling a bit territorial.
I agree, bad behavior should not be rewarded and all of it could be attributed to teenage angst. But, it might be worth investigating why she's so angry, what's motivating her and try to understand her perspective so both you and your husband can do what's appropriate for her (and simultaneously save your sanity!).
wow! that is craziness! if
wow! that is craziness! if i had EVER been that disrespectful to any adult, i would have been slapped. i think what needs to happen is that your husband needs to lay down the law. he needs to establish the boundaries of what is allowed, what is appropriate language, and how she should and is allowed to treat you. Unfortunately, i don't see her listening to you from what you've described and he is the biological parent, he should discipline her. next time her mouth is wide open from cussing you out, have a bottle of soap handy and squirt it in ;-P good luck mindy!!
I have spoken with the
I have spoken with the grandmother on several occasions about her behavior. She tells me that she acts the same way when shes over their house. She agreed on punishment, but my husband and I saw that she had been using the computer over there. She is also in therapy once every 2 weeks... which I think should be ATLEAST once a week. Her therapist is set up through her grandparents so my husband and I really have no clue about whats being said or whats going on with it. Yesterday she was great, it is like 2 different people. I honestly think she is bipolar and needs meds. Not to mention her mother had similar problems, ultimately dying because of drugs. My husband and I DO NOT want to let it get that far but with her grandparents spoiling her all the time this is the path shes headed on. She is only in 5th grade and thinking about boys and makeup. My husband wont take her away from the grandparents completely because they provide a lot for her. Which I know he could provide just as well without giving her all of the extravagant gifts and toys that they do!!
My SS was very much likes
My SS was very much likes this (lives in our home too), the cussing, disrespect, even some physical altercations with me. We went to counseling together, all three of us. If your DH is trying to set boundaries, maybe he needs a professional to tell him exactly how to do it the right way. My DH did not see the disrespect as so much of a problem. He thought I was picking and being to sensitive, until the counselor agreed with me about it. It just stuns me that your story sounds so close to things that happened here, even the "it's not your house", and I find myself having to do a lot of the discipline as well, just because DH might not be home at the time and it's something that needs to be addressed immediately. I also thought my SS was Bipolar, same moody behavior, but he was examined by a psychologist as well as the counselor and they both agreed that it was just a bit of a struggle within SS. He knows he should behave, and at times even may feel guilty (not enough to apologize) so they act differently one day and some days the anger and resentment is just too much. I was also young when I met DH and moved in, 24. At the time SS was 8. He's now 13, but I have to say years 10-12 were the WORST!!!!
We are meeting with her
We are meeting with her therapist tomorrow. The scary part about this is that its only going to get worse! Shes not even a teenager yet! I talked with my husband about it this morning and he doesn't see the disrespect like I do. He brushes it off. He told me that I am making a big deal about some things and dragging it all out. I think he was a little upset but ultimately agreed with me and HAS seen the disrespect. At one point he said "it seems like you just bad mouth her, you never say anything nice about her" I didn't sugar coat anything at all my response was "there really is NoTHING good to say about her!" Her grades are horrible, her attitude is even worse, she physically abuses my daughter, and she talks to me as if I am a passing stranger in her life. NOTHING I say has any importance for her. I go out of my way to do and buy things for her and she takes it all for granted.
wow! yeah my sd had a cell
wow! yeah my sd had a cell phone once till that got taken away. as of right now the only thing she has in her room is a bed and enough clothes to make it through the week. she has a lot more but i gave it to goodwill because she told me she didnt care about the things i bought her. ive taken the door off before because she would slam it shut. my sd is 11 and has been doing this for 2 years now. im 24 so i feel as though im right where you are. my husband got a divorce about 4 years ago and shes upset at that i guess. we did family meetings but she would just sit there and say nothing maybe shoot a few tears here and there but it was fake. just to get attention from "daddy" because shes got him wrapped around her pinky. when her father is here she would put up this fake front making him think that everything was okay with us (i.e. calling me mom, helping with the baby, no attitude). for the past 13 months he has been deployed and it has been just me taking care of her and my bs whose 9 months old. i couldnt handle it anymore so we go see a counselor once and week. i mean ive done everything i can for that child but still get disrespected. doesnt matter how much i spend, what we do, how far out of my way i go...she is never happy. shes a complete moral killer. seems like she never wants to be happy. my husband does support me though in everything i do. but i agree with StepAside family talks (family meetings), counseling or something. I know that if i would have ever talked to my mom that way i would have been beat ten ways from sunday. but we are in a more sensitive generation i guess. Good luck with everything though. and dont give up. if you love your husband then i know yall will find a way to make it work.
One ploy that worked for me
One ploy that worked for me was I told SS that if he would prefer it, I can just be another person in the house with him. I'll make dinner and he's welcome to join us, but I will not be doing his laundry any longer, if he needed a ride, he needed to find one, anything he needed, I would not be the provider. Just as roommates. This may be more difficult for you, seeing as DH is deployed, but you may be able to do it on a smaller scale, but most certainly, don't buy her anything unless it is a necessity, and if it is something she needs, don't cater to the brand, color, etc. that she requests. Maybe after you're not doing those things for her she'll realize what you've done for her in the past, and if not, at least you're not wasting you precious time and energy on her anymore.
Well, at least I know I am
Well, at least I know I am not alone. I talked to my husband this morning about it and I feel like I've finally accomplished something. For the first time we are going to her counseling session tomorrow. He wants me to go and explain everything. She is going to try and deny it all but this is the final straw. I told my husband I was going to leave if this continues. It kind of sounds a little extreme, but yesterday I saw her push my daughter off of the coffee table. The next time she lays a finger on her I do not know what I will do but it wont be good. I am crying all the time and have a tight feeling in my chest whenever I am around her or even THINK about all of this! I know I am pregnant and emotional but there is no need to aggravate it this much. I am actually going to see a therapist myself because she is driving me over the edge. Its a shame that a child would be able to make me feel this way. I hope everything works out for you and if you figure out how to put her in line, please please give me some pointers.