Looking for parent opinions
Although I don't officially live with him, my SO and I have been together for over a year and I'm at his place 95% of the time. He has a 4yo son who he has 50% custody. Recently, I've been working with my SO on having him be more consistant with follow-through on consequences if SS4 acts up. In the past, SO would give empty threats of things like "if you don't pick up your toys, no chocolate muffin" but eventually the kid always gets the chocolate muffin. It will be after he threatens taking the chocolate muffin away a dozen times, and the kid dragging his feet to finally do what he's asked to do.
Normally, SS4 and I have a really tight bond and he tends to listen to me more, because I have more follow-through. Yesterday, SO started down the path of "pick up your toys or no muffin" and the power struggle started. SS4 was just not doing what he was told so I said "OK, he had his many chances, no muffin." SO is really good with backing me up, so he took the muffin and said he lost his chance.
The kid went into a RAGE. Total emotional melt down with kicking the ground, slamming doors, screaming at the top of his lungs he hates us. Of course, SO addressed this by threatening to take away something else, this time bed time stories. Kid was still out of control, and SO just kept following him around saying "ok no bed time stories if you don't go back to your room." I walked up and calmly but firmly said "this is out of control. No stories. No more negotiating, no more talking. It's time for bed NOW." It was bed time anyway. SO agreed, took the kid and put him in bed, and kid kicked and screamed the whole way. SO had to lay there with him until he fell asleep 15 minutes later.
This morning, we woke up to SS4 walking into our room telling us to get him chocolate milk and muffins. SO got up to get him some food, kid started acting up and SO said ok, no muffin, and right away took it away and gave him bread and grapes instead. Rage 2.0 insued. Kid throws the grapes and bread across the room, screams and yells, and screams at me "get out of our house!!!!!!!!" It really crushed me and kind of disturbed me hearing that. Although dad is enforcing, he knows I'm the one pushing to have these boundaries.
He's an only child of divorced parents so I think both bio parents have led their decision-making, including parenting, with guilt. I don't know how his mom is parenting him but it's just the two of them living together so he most likely runs the show. Since I've been in the picture, we've agreed that SO will do the majority of parenting since our relationship had been new, I don't live with them, he was still in the divorce process, etc. Now that the divorce is official and we're talking about me moving in together, he wants me to be just as much of a disciplinary. I don't know if that's appropriate yet, and I'm scared to do it. We have a number of issues in our relationship, like most relationships, but this is something that wasn't an issue before, but his screaming and melt downs really freaked me out and made me reevaulate a lot.
I would love to hear the thoughts of other parents/step parents who have had a 4 year old and tell me if this is normal and if we're messing up. I feel more nervous navigating since I didn't spend his whole life reading baby/toddler books and I'm only going based on how I was raised and how I've seen family raised. Thanks!!
At four he needs routine ,
At four he needs routine , structure and predicability. Its the predicability that fails in this story. You changed the pattern on SS and he flipped. I'd sit the boy down, spell out the behavior expected and the new rules for him to follow. The consequences will be this. Now he knows and it will be a matter of consistently reminding him of those rules everytime he misbehaves.
As for rules, that's up to dad to figure out but constant nagging, bossyness and raging should not be tolerated. Adults should be the leaders in your home, not a 4yo. For consequences, he needs a time out to get himself calmed down. That might be a chair off to the side, his room if its not full of toys, some place to chill out for a few. You tell him "you sound upset and you will need to go to time out while you calm yourself down, when you are calm you can come back to.... You might have to send him off a couple of time before he figures out what calm looks like. In fact you might want to point it out when he is calm, "I see you so calm right now and it makes it easy to talk to you, etc.... Positive reinforcement for good behavior so he knows what it looks and feels like and time outs when he is out of control.
He should also be taught to use his words, not throw things, use pleas and thank you. (that's a never ending battle )
Most of all, Daddy needs to make it clear to SS that he is to treat you with respect at all time because you are an adult and daddy's girlfriend. If your man can't or won't make the boy respect you in your home, I would not move in.
Leave the major disicpline to Dad but you should have confidence in SO that he has your back and are on the same page for expectations to correct SS when in your care alone.
I'd give serious thought before moving in with this man and his child. Don't rush things, see if he can manage to be a parent on his own. If he can't do that, and expects you to play mommy, it will cause nothing but problems down the road. Don't go into this being the savior. SS has two parents and it all sounds fresh still and his parents are still finding their way. This is the time watch them parent and see if they can do it. Be the fun girlfriend, that's all you need to be right now.
Thank you. I like what you
Thank you. I like what you said about having a conversation with his son and laying out how rules are going to go down from now on. I'm definitely not taking moving in together lightly and giving it major thought. He is pushing me to parent more at the level of when he's tantruming. I don't feel comfortable with that because he hits and kicks and spits, plus like you said I feel like I'm being associated with all the discipline. I'm letting him know he needs to stay the disciplinary and parent consistantlly when I'm not around too.
I think it's completely
I think it's completely normal that a 4 year old who has been getting what he wants (despite the threats) would have a meltdown if all of a sudden he doesn't get what he wants. He probably knows that your SO is good for at least 20 threats before he has to do what he's told, so he's going to drag it out as long as he can before he has to do what he doesn't want to do. When that suddenly changes because you put your foot down, of course he's going to be unhappy with you. The key is consistency. Right now, the only thing that's consistent is that the kid gets numerous warnings, and often no follow through at all. He's counting on that. Your SO needs to get consistent. It would be best if he could show some of that consistency, and do some serious parenting, when you are not around, so that you are not associated with all discipline. When you are around, let your SO do the disciplining, and he has to be consistent. It doesn't take most kids all that long to realize that they won't get multiple chances once the parent follows through and promptly enforces what he threatens. In my experience, doing nothing is better than issuing a threatened consequence that is not followed up on.
When I was first dating my SO, he was very inconsistent with his two kids - he would threaten to spank them, to take things away, etc., etc., but he rarely did it, and if he did do it, it was usually when they'd driven him too far and he blew up. He also tended to punish for stupid things and let important things slide. It drove me nuts. I wasn't willing to impose the discipline early on, but I would get his attention when there was bad behavior happening and indicate that he needed to do something about it. I swear that half the time he just didn't even notice they were doing something (often because he was playing on his phone instead of really watching them). I was not willing to move in together until the parenting improved, and I was not willing to be the bad guy. When *he* was feeling consequences from me, my SO improved on the parenting front. We now live together and we both discipline. He's not perfect (and neither am I), but we are striving for consistency. One thing that helped in our situation is that the BM does discipline her children, so my SO had no fear that if he made his kids behave they would prefer mommy's house, and they also knew from her house what decent behavior was.
Don't get me wrong - these kids (now 3 and 6) still test the limits, have meltdowns and can be a total PITA at times - that's what kids do - but for the most part they're really good, and they're much improved over how they were when they didn't have rules and consistent, predictable consequences for bad behavior.
I think we have the same SO!
I think we have the same SO!
When I was first dating my SO, he was very inconsistent with his two kids - he would threaten to spank them, to take things away, etc., etc., but he rarely did it, and if he did do it, it was usually when they'd driven him too far and he blew up. He also tended to punish for stupid things and let important things slide. It drove me nuts.
This is my life! It’s my biggest issue currently with my SO. SD9 honestly is great and doesn’t really need punishing. Her biggest flaw is being messy. SS12 though...is sneaky and has lied to us many times, plus he sneaks on electronics and stays up past his bedtime. He’s gotten punished for it like once. My SO always just threatens to take his PS4 if SS does x behavior again, but never actually does. It’s sooo frustrating. The kid is 12, plenty old enough to figure out his dad never really follows through with punishment. To make matters worse, my SO has literally the worst memory of anyone I know, so half the time my SO just doesn’t remember the previous incidents, so SS is always getting a clean slate! Sooo frustrating. I’m with SS at night when my SO works and I haven’t enforced a punishment yet, although he lied to me twice last week- BM brought them lunch to school on two of our days, he lied to me about it. I found out he lied and told him not to lie to me. The next day, he did it again! I told my SO, but no punishment because he doesn’t want SS to “feel like he has to pick us or BM. I get that, but you could also say “hey SS, this isn’t about picking us or BM because you don’t have to do that- but lying to us is not ok, so your punishment is X”. SO refused to do that. Big fight ensued. Sigh.
Sorry, I kind of hijacked your post but I get your frustration!
4yo is butt smacking age. No
4yo is butt smacking age. No more negotiating, take the muffin and put him over your knee and pop his butt when he pitches a fit.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
His dad isn't into spanking.
His dad isn't into spanking. Well, not anymore. He did a few times but then SS started hitting a lot more. When we take something away, make him calm down, and talk about why he shouldn't do what he's doing, he isn't as physically reactive. Plus... it feels counter intuitive to punish him for hitting by... hitting him? We just have to be really consistant it looks like.
If what you are doing works..
If what you are doing works... keep doing it. However, escalating the state of abject misery that a child experiences for deviating from reasonable standards of behavior will eventually drive compliant behavior. If Dad isn't on board with spanking then a twist to the ear and swift march to the nearest corner to hold the interstecting walls up with his nose until the adults get tired should do the trick. A kid having to stand in the corner stareing at the walls while life goes on around them is torture and very effective.
Keep trying age appropriate consequences until you land on the right combination to deliver the appropriate misery level to change the behavior.
It works. As the kid ages, add new consequences when necessary.
Good luck.
First of all, 4 is way worse
First of all, 4 is way worse than 2 or 3. This is the stubborn, smack talking, temper tantrum throwing, knock down drag out fight age. Utilize time outs consistently, and don’t bribe kids with food to behave. Remember, if you put crap food into a child just expect that crap behavior will come out.
I completely agree about the
I completely agree about the crap food. I was pissed SO got those muffins from Costco. If it were up to me, there would never be muffins in the house period, and definitely none given to a tiny kid whose system can't handle all that crap. I'm the only reason the kid gets any fiber and vitamins! And it's comforting hearing 4 is typically hard. 3 was hard in different ways, his tantrums were more frequent. But he was much easier to change his mind. He's more stubborn now and is thinking he can be just like the grown ups and talk back, and he's starting to try and lie.
Yep this is totally normal.
Yep this is totally normal. But also not acceptable.
But also please disregard advice about smacking child. It's crazy to solve emotional violence with physical violence. You are in the adults - you give away power every time you lose control. (And you will lose control, that's ok, just calm down and get it back.) .I did smack my son when he was that age - but it was never arbitrary or immediate. It was "If X doesn't happen or Y doesnt stop, then smack will incur." And it was always, always followed up. But I never once smacked out of rage or without a warning. (My ex did. I did not tolerate that.) And my smacking was always done because I lacked the patience to do other things.
No has to mean no.
As no does start to mean no - then EXPECT more meltdowns (at this age). That's ok. You can get through it.
I agree about the smacking.
I agree about the smacking. We don't do that because SS will sometimes hit out of anger, and it has to be confusing to try and teach him it isn't OK to hit other people, by hitting him.
At 4, like others stated, it
At 4, like others stated, it is pretty normal behavior. Melt downs are common. Just remember, he has probably only been wiping his own butt for less than a year. You can't expect him to understand his emotions.
My kids really thrived with rewards charts. We even had a "treasure box" of little things - mini candy, small toys, little lego characters, whatever I could find fun at the $1 spot at target). -- so after 10 stickers he gets a treasure box visit, after 20 stickers he get ____ that is special to him. After 40 stickers we can all do and do a fun family activity!
Keep the tasks simple- Get dressed -- Gets a sticker! Brush Teeth-- Gets a sticker !! Pick up toys -- Get a sticker! Eat your veggies -- Get a sticker!
Our chart also had a poor choices column. Poor choices marks (not stickers- stickers are fun!) got things like no dessert or no walk to the park- etc. -- Let him have 1 or 2 before something is taken away. He is a child not a robot, but have consequences clearly defined for him.
I've been reading about the
I've been reading about the chart ideas and I think that would be so good for him! And I like the idea of the different tier rewards. Thank you
IMHO kids should not be
IMHO kids should not be rewarded for doing what they should do normally. The should be punished for not doing what they should be doing normally. Rewards are for stellar performance above and beyond what it is they should normally be doing.
Neither should what they should normally be doing be applied as a punishment. Chores for example. Chores are what they should normally do and to use this as punishment is insane.
Reward stellar performance, punish failure to perform what is normal and let them live a not unpleasant state of existence if they do what they should be doing. That is a neutral point, not painful, not pleasant. Just existence.
As a non breeding SParent I have always struggled against my gag reflex when parents go all googly eyed over normal kid performance. My parents never did that. I was rewarded for stellar performance not for what was expected. And of course my life became one of abject misery for failure to do what I was supposed to do.
"Great job! Thanks for doing your homework!" *unknw*
Ummmm, hell no. It should be more like "You didn't do your homework? Bend your ass over and assume the position! Your ass is mine and it will now take on a sting."
If in public a mid meltdown toddler gets taken to the nearest Men's or Lady's room for a serious discussion or butt smack. If at home... the discussion happens immediately and consequences are applied. Each and every time. It is inconsistency that drives escalation of this behavior IMHO. A few times as a toddler my Skid would test the meltdown boundaries. He would continue the meltdown until he saw the sign for the Men's (or Ladies) room. As soon as he saw it he would immediately shut off the melt down and say "We don't need to go in there Daddy. I am okay now." Nope, we went in and we had a serious face to face discussion. I would stand him on the counter, put my nose against his, poke him the chest and review his melt down behavior. It only happened a few times but he knew that once he started the melt down the Men's room talk was going to happen. He also knew that for particularly egregious behavior that the temperature of his butt cheeks was in jeopardy of escalating to very uncomfortable levels.
I can count on less than two full hands the number of spankings he got growing up. I had about the same number. But I am sure he remembers each and every spanking he got. I remember all of his and all of mine as well. My dad was right... it did hurt me more than it hurt him. I thought my father was crazy when he played that line just before I got a spanking. How could that be possible?
It is possible because parents love their spawn/SSpawn but sometimes the only thing that works is immediate corporal punishment.
All IMHO of course.
Learn Parenting Styles
Well, it is just like a business when you say your kid to do something and instead of that, your kid will be rewarded it is not right. Instead of exchanging offers you have to explain that why are you saying a few things and why he has to follow it and what are the benefits of it. It helps to start the conversation with the kid and slowly you'll be able to create a wonderful bond with the kid. Parenting is not easy but it doesn't mean to give exchanging offers. Parenting is all about understanding your kid's needs and fulfill them. All you need to do is to talk with your kid it will definitely helps you and treat him with love and teach him to give respect. You can read more about here <a href="https://www.lylamorris.com/why-parenting-styles-matter-when-raising-chil...">parenting styles</a> . It helps you and your husband.