Any step parents get celebrated on Mother's day/Father's day?
Just more resentment pouring out here.
I'm curious if any of you step parents are celebrated on Mother's day or Father's day for being a step parent to your SO's child. Mainly to you step parents without any bio kids of your own. Do you celebrate Mother's day/Father's day for your SO?
My SO and I have been together 3 years and he has a son who is 6. We have him 50/50 and live together. So I've definitely been a major maternal figure in SS's life. I fully know SS has a mother and I would never imply trying to replace her. But while he's with us, I'm a parent to him. So.... it really hurt when none of my family, friends, co-workers, or anyone wished me a happy mother's day. My SO didn't acknowledge it until he noticed I was upset the day-of, and got me a card, a lei and we went to the beach. For father's day, I made the mistake of going a little too all-out and dropping a bunch of cash on matching clothes for him and SS, oversized inflatables to hang out on at the beach, and all kinds of other beach stuff. I also got him all of his favorite goodies to enjoy. He ended up being a huge jerk to me at the beach and tried leaving without me.
Even more infuriating was BM giving my SO gifts through their kid. SO's birthday was shortly before father's day, and SS showed up with a painting of him and his dad, with writing on it that was not his. BM is great at coming up with ways to involve herself in our lives while making it hard to call out because "she was just doing something so nice." So on Father's day he picked up SS and gave him a black book that kind of looked like a bible, but it said "My Father's Story" or somehitng, with a string tied around it. It's a sort of diary for him to fill out. BM told him "SS picked it out and it was his idea." SS can't even read yet. He would never be drawn to any book that looks as plain as it did. He didn't tie it with a string. He didn't take himself to a gift shop to buy a present. And he doesn't know when the hell Father's day is.
My SO and I never gave her anything for mother's day or her birthday. She didn't do anything for me for mother's day (why the hell would she.) and with my birthday coming up she hasn't had SS do anything. It makes me think she still has a thing for him because she gets extremely toxic while I'm around, but all cutesy when I don't go with SO to hand-offs.
I think moving forward, I'm not going to do much for Father's day. He isn't the father of MY kid. And me stepping in to care for his son makes me feel like I should be celebrated. It seemed to happen the other way around.
These are bombshell occasions
I'm in my 70's so all my kids are old enough to acknowledge the holidays now. But back in the day, I was stung the year all 3 stepkids moved in that Mother's Day was not acknowledged. What really hurt was the big push put on for BM who didn't even have any of them living there! I finally realized this was actually a DH issue. He wasn't and isnt good about gifts. As the kids got older, they started to "get it". In the early years, I used to orchestrate something for Father's day but his response disappointed me so after a couple years, I stopped. By then, the kids were doing whatever. I still remember the intense Mother's Day disappointment and afterwards, always made sure I had something nice to wear and eat, whatever made me feel good.
Ugh how horrible of a feeling
Ugh how horrible of a feeling
I would feel the same. I'm glad they're acknowledging you now. Yeah I'm stepping away from the whole Father's day thing and just help SS do something nice for his dad.
Her trying to meddle because
Her trying to meddle because it's questionable whether she's moved on has been a constant theme. It would be so much easier to manage if SO recognized it and didn't make me feel crazy.
Yep, every year. For 27
Yep, every year. For 27 years. No card. But a call.
No, never, I have been
No, never, I have been disengaged for 17 yrs. But then I wouldn't feel comfortable to get anything from my SDs on Mother's Day so it's probably for the best.
I actually am celebrated on
I actually am celebrated on Mother's Day. DH, the skids and even BM wish me a happy mother's day and DH and the kids get me a gift and cards.
I would be very resentful if I did a lot for skids (we have them 50/50) and was ignored on mother's day. Fortunately, DH and BM both understand and accept (and dare I say appreciate) that skids have involved stepparents.
You are very fortunate!! Too
You are very fortunate!! Too bad that is rare, because a lot of SMs do do a lot for their SKs and get very little or nothing or even resentment in return. I remember my SD when she was about six got me an ornament for Christmas. I cherish that ornament quite a bit, not only as a gift from her, but also because it was quite literally the only impromptu gift (or card or such) I ever received from either of my SKs in about 20 years. Is that more the norm? Maybe.
No, I don't expect it or want
No, I don't expect it or want it, I'm not his mother. Being a stepmother doesn't make one a "mother figure" in my mind, it makes you another adult in the father's home that might help out here and there. I didn't give birth to him, I don't have any legal rights to him, and I don't deserve to be treated the same as his mother on Mother's Day.
IMO. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you stop thinking of yourself as another mother to the child.
I hear what you're saying,
I hear what you're saying, but I don't think just to expect a SM card (and there is such) on Mother's Day means that you think of yourself as another mother to the child. Or, if you expect a card on your B-day, for instance, that that means the same. I look at it more as giving kudos where kudos is due.
Well, in our situation, DH
Well, in our situation, DH doesn't even get a card from SS on Father's Day, so me being hurt by a lack of a card on Mother's Day would be silly.
Maybe if I had functioned as a parent to SS (I didn't) and we weren't in an alienation situation, I would feel differently.
Birthdays are different, to me - Mother's Day is meant to honor your actual Mother - whereas, a birthday belongs to YOU as a person, and it's not about honoring your role as stepmother.
I guess we are more of the
I guess we are more of the odd ball blended family.
For Mother's day- My kids dad and SM always send something to me from the kids. I always send something to the SM from the kids as well. DH usually makes sure that I am pampered as well. (This year he had duty but he bought me a gift and had a card for me when I woke up).
For Father's day- I send something to their dad from the kids. I also go big and celebrate DH 2x. He get's an early father's day from my kids (They head to CA for the summer so we do it early), and then actual father's day is celebrated - usually with my Dad too.
The presents that get sent back and forth from my exH/SM and I aren't anything big but we make sure that it is something the kids pick out and something thoughtful. I really appreciate them and they are great parents. I know that they appreciate me too. Even though our kids are a little older- I am not going to leave it up to teens to be thoughtful without reminders and assistance.
BM would get the same treatment from us but she has chosen to be a horrible person so I hope she chokes on her own bile one day. That is all. LOL
I do get recognised. Not
I do get recognised. Not visits/flowers/gifts... but I do get a card or a call/text. Not a lot.. but they have a living breathing mother.. so.. BTW.. I don't get much more than my DH gets from the girls for FD.. and they don't have a stepdad.
Shockingly, Killjoy used to
Shockingly, Killjoy used to bring me breakfast in bed (which I hate) and homemade mother's day cards for MD. The thing is, it seemed like it was always more about herself than me. I don't know how to decribe it. She has this image of herself being a nice girl, but really she's not. She was a passive aggressive sh!t to me on a daily basis. Her "niceness" always came off as insincere.
There's a book called The Gaslight Effect that touched on this. In the book, a woman had a husband who appeared doting to outsiders, he did nice things for her, but they weren't things she liked or wanted. And in their daily interactions he was a poor listener and didn't seem to know who she was as a person, and was never kind or empathetic to her. She always felt the gestures were more about grandstanding than about her. I was in a relationship like that once. My parents lost their minds when I broke up with that guy. People closer to me said it was about time.
I'd take real hostility over fake kindness any day.
This was a sensitive topic
This was a sensitive topic for me.
I have not been recognized ever for Mother's Day. A simple thank-you from the skids would be nice. Now in the beginning I wouldn't have accepted anything as BM was taking them ever other weekend. Now almost 5 years later the skids have been with us full time for two and half years. BM barely sees them. They only "night" the have spent at her house is Xmas eve 2018, 2019 and we drop them at 10pm and they are home by 10/11am. I doubt this will even happen this year though.
This year my SO really made me upset. It was Saturday evening before Mother's Day and skids has no plans with BM at this point that we knew about. SO and I ran out and SD13 says "that took awhile." I said we had to get a card for grandma (SOs mom) SD then goes "OHH don't we have to get a card for mom?" I said well that isn't really your dads job it's *insert BMs husbands name* it's his job. SD then goes oh I thought dad got us one last year. I said he hasn't gotten anything since I've been around. This year was my 5th Mother's Day in the picture.
So I tell SO what SD says he goes well if he wants to get BM a card I'll take her. Excuse me what?? I'm like SO skids wouldn't think twice of asking/accepting me to do something for you for Father's Day so why isn't *insert BMs husbands name* job to do something for BM for Mother's Day. SO goes so she should ask husband who she barely talks for something for BM. I say YES!! Like this women is married. It's not your job anymore to get her things.
SO tells SD to first text BM and see if she's taking them. BM has no plans of even taking skids. "All I wanted to do was be with you guys but, because of coronavirus there is no where to go. Like now where to go?? Can spend time at your house maybe??!! That is a lame excuse if I ever heard one because BM had no problem giving SS15 a big hug and crap when SO and him ran into her a few weeks prior while she was with a ton of people. I'll add to BM has taken skids to Dunkin' Donuts and home for the past two Mother's Day before this year. So, it's not like the skids even spend any length of time with her.
I was pissed that he was going to run out and get piece of crap BM a card and I get NOTHING. Like I said before.. not even a thank you. I contribuate WAY more then BM has ever. She also doesn't pay any child support so she literally contributes ZERO into skids. I also have a very good relationship with SS15 and SD13. SS16 I don't like so that doesn't bother me.
Also, if SO didn't want to pressure skids or make things awkward for them he should have gotten me a Mother's Day gift from the dogs. My almost 2 year old lab is my baby and that would have made up from nothing from skids or him. I get him gifts and two cards every year. One from the skids and one from the dogs. You would think he would have caught on to my trend... nope.
So now I've just let go. After this year. When the skids get older and want to do something for me great. If not ohh well. I won't let it hurt me anymore.
My friends and co workers wish me a happy Mother's Day though. I'm also bioless.
edit: BM DOES NOT wish SO a happy Father's Day that I am aware of. Which she could and he doesn't tell me. I know for fact she did not this year though.
My thought is a 13 YO and 15
N/A--duplicate.
My thought is a 13 YO and 15
My thought is a 13 YO and 15 YO need to be doing their own for their mom or step-mom. Don't know why DH feels he needs to jump in; however, it perhaps does speak to the fact that since DH sees their mom as one-and-only mom, so will the kids. This one-and-only "mom" thing kind'a bugs me, especially since (see above) our society seems to have little problem with multiple dads, so to speak. Council of Dads is a new show on TV right now. Could there ever be a Council of Moms TV show, I'm just saying? At least, not without a lot more controversy. Yeah, there is mom in the "giving birth to" and legal sense. But, there is also mom in the essense of the word:
What makes someone a mother?
"A mother is someone who wants her child to grow up to be a happy, healthy, successful adult. A mother pays attention to her child's particular nature and responds to the specific needs of each child. A mother accepts her child for who she or he is, and forgives her child for their mistakes, big or small."
I'm sure at least a few SMs fall into that category. Shouldn't these women be able to at least get some thanks? OK, maybe not cards, but shouldn't they be able to get some sort of graditude from their SKs? And, if we say, "No, because they are not THE mom," then what does that say about us? It says possession is 9/10ths of the law, even when it comes to the welfare of children. And, if that is true, then why are SMs expected to remotely do anything for these children? Because, I assure you, pretty much every person on the planet expects SMs to do for their SKs, and yet, at the same time, they expect them to settle for nada or worse (and yes, there is worse) in return.
And, that is why, you'd have to be nuts to sign-up for this SM gig knowing what you'd be getting into, that's for sure. Servants do for others without thanks or may even be snapped-at in return, BUT at least they get paid $$ for it. What is a SM's pay? To have her DH take her out somewhere "special," such as Applebee's, on a Friday night, and then if she is really lucky, maybe a 7-minute moonlight tryst later?
We never did anything around
We never did anything around father's day or the Spermidiot's birthday. Not once in the 16+ years we were the CP family under the CO. Then again, they never once recognized or participated in anything to do with SS's life. Not one HBD call or card, not a call or card for HS graduation, not a call or card for USAF BMT graduation, nothing.
We celebrated birthdays, father's day, mother's day and other holidays within our family. The SpermClan could do whatever they wanted to do on their visitation time... if they bothered to take it.
You definitely should be
You definitely should be thanked for what you do, you are a figure in this child's life, yes he already has two parents however you are still an influence to him. I have a SS & my DH buys a "have a great mothers day" type card, so not one that says "to my mum" or anything like that, where as he will obviously buy a seperate one that is from our daughter together, that says "my mummy" etc, i have been in SS life for over 7 years now (he is 10) & i have done alot over the years for that child, admittedly I dont do as much now, disengagement and all that. But i would say your DH really needs to be showing that you are appreciated and thought of, even a thank you card, not necessarily a mothers day one, just so you know you are thought of. Being a SM is a really really hard job & it's a very thankless task you're dropped just as quickly as you are needed, I felt used alot of the time so i stepped back, I always came off worse & i thought "what's the point?" I am spending my money, my fuel, my time out of my day on this person only to feel like it's a total waste of time. I feel much better for taking a step back and concentrating on our life at home, when hes there he's there when he isnt he isnt (my favourite time!) Good luck.
DH is celebrated by my kids
My kids always get Father's Day gifts for DH - they are all close with him. They also get a gift for their father, who lives in another state and using the word 'father' is stretching it.
DH's kids? Nope. They usually text/call. This year one of his 4 kids sent him a small gift; first time ever. But in general his kids are pretty thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate. I am definitely not acknowledged by them on Mother's Day which is perfectly fine with me as I don't feel like a SM and rarely see any of them. My kids are so sweet and thoughtful on Mother's Day - I feel very lucky!
My Skid always recognizes me
My Skid always recognizes me on F-day. I'm his dad. The only full time dad he has ever had or remembers having. He has always known his Spermidiot. Though the Spermidiot has never really been his father and for damned sure has never been his Dad(dy).
To my knowledge SS has never called the Spermidiot on father;s day or any other time for that matter. The BioDad has never been a presence in SS's life and if anything has been a source of anxiety for my son. SS has been heavily impacted by the idiocy of that adultchild of a dipshit. That idiot has ruined my SS's younger half sibs, destroyed my son's grand parents and is nothing more to my son than "gangster" dad as he is known to my son's friends and colleagues.
His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I am a constant in his life as is his mom. The three of us are our family. Like his mom, SS was raised by a stepdad. My DW's biodad died in a single vehicle accident before my MIL even knew she was pregnant with my DW. She and her first husband had been married about 2yrs when he was killed. MIL married my FIL when my DW was 2mos old. They were childhood friends who were pretty much raised together. So FIL was my DW's daddy. He was there when she was born. She was his eldest of 4 children. Though the younger three are his BKs, he was far closer to my DW than he was with his own biokids. She was the executor of his Will, she is my MIL's executor as well.
It took two years to get done but my DW gave her dad adoption papers for our 20th anniversary vow renewal. We originally eloped. My SIL eloped. Part of why we renewed our vows on our 20th instead of on our 25 which is apparently more common was because I feared that my FIL would not live that long. As it turned out, I was right. He passed away a month before out 24th anniversary. It was important for me for FIL to walk his daughter down the isle. I am happy that we were able to make that happen.
Seeing how the adoption impacted my DW and her dad got him thinking. A year later, when he was 22, my son asked for me to adopt him. We made that happen in 4 days following him asking. That was truly one of the best days of my life.
Your DH obviously has been a great part of your children's lives. They are lucky to have him.
I try to be the same for my SS. I am extremely fortunate to have such a great man as my son.
I loved reading all these
I loved reading all these different experiences. Since we got SS6 back, he came with 3 cupcakes (obviously made by BM) for us for my b-day. So it seems that at least her gift-giving is somewhat consistent. What I was pretty surprised about was my SO didn't have SS do anything. Writing that makes me feel like I'm being an entitled brat hah. But BM's b-day is near Mother's Day, and SO's birthday is near Father's Day, so in SS's mind, he is celebrating two of his parents back-to-back. As I was having him help me prepare for Father's Day, SS stopped and said "here, I want you to have this present." It was a ball-point-pen wrapped in a sock. I gushed at how thoughtful and sweet he was. He slumped and looked down. I asked what's wrong, and he said "I feel like it's always Father's Day. I wish it was Mother's Day." I asked why and he said "so we can celebrate you." That......... nearly broke my soul. I hugged him and told him how much I appreciate him wanting that, and that it's okay. Mind-you, he doesn't call me mom, and he has very good relationships with both his parents. He also does really see me as another parent because I AM another parent. Since he got back from BM's yesterday, he's been trying to do his own small happy birthday gestures to me. Hiding and jumping out yelling "SURPRIIIIISE HBD!" So, clearly the kid wants to do something for me, but SO is actually the issue here, not being the one to facilitate his son participate in showing appreciation.
Like most of you said, being a SM is so, incredibly difficult. I've been told it's harder than having your own children. I have no bios of my own. You're expected to do all the parental things, and bio dads seem to be the worst at being entitled to our participation. But when it comes to getting appreciation, or some kind of reciprocation, someone said it right: sometimes you're given nothing, or worse. And there is a worse. Step parents should have their own legitimate holiday where we're recognized. Not that BS "National Step Parent Day" lumped in with "National Donut Day" crap. An actual holiday, in the calendar, with gifts that mention step parents specifically. What might help encourage people to celebrate step parents is maybe actually seeing step-parent-related gifts, for crying out loud! I've never seen a mug that says "world's best step mom" have you?
What your SS said
What your SS said was worth more than 1000 gifts. And, it was HIS thought, not your DH's. It brought tears to my eyes.
I had a good moment yesterday. They are so rare in steplife. I had texted SS57 happy birthday, also sent card and $ as usual. He is a very sweet introverted person. When he texted me to acknowledge my text, he signed it "Love". I will always keep that text.
I give my stepdad a card
I give my stepdad a card every year. I am not sure I did as much when I was a teenager but I know my mom did. Now I do it every year and we actually have dinner at my house to celebrate the day. I have a really good relationship with him.
My first Mother's day with DS (was SS at the time) was celebrated. My mom actually got me a card the first year DH and I were enganged and we were all about to move in. My whole family wished my Happy Mother's day that first year and even many of my friends. Many I live in a crazy world. DH I think might have done something that year too but I am not totally sure. DH now takes DS out every year to get me something even before I adopted him. It is kinda up to your SO to make you feel appreciated especially with a young skid.
Have you ever thought of returning the gesture to the BM and getting her a card or something from the skid? If she is still single with no SO or DH, I kinda doubt the skid is doing anything for her or even remembering it is mother's day. I do not know the situation but maybe she is getting nothing really. I think it is kinda nice she still thinks to celebrate father's day and show the kid it is important to do nice things for his dad.
I say celebrate all the parents on their holiday and be kind. Let's face it raising a child, be it bio, skid, adopted, it is never easy for anyone and we all give a little part of ourselves to the kid.