Intrusive Ex
Ok, so I need some suggestions...my stepdaughter (12) has a gymnastic meet 2.5 hours from our home this Sunday. My husband and I had decided that he would stay home with the rest of the kids, and she and I would rent a hotel room near the meet so that we wouldn't have to travel Sunday morning. I had planned a girl's day (trip to the mall, dinner, etc...) Then enters "real" mom...she asked if we were getting a room...I didn't know where she was going with this so I told her we hadn't decided what we were doing yet. She said if we were going to stay over, to let her know and she and her husband and other daughter would book a room at the same place. I told her we might not all be going (maybe just stepdaughter and I) so she said, oh, well if that's the case, I can just room with you two!!! I told her we hadn't decided if we were getting a hotel yet and she said, if we don't stay over in a hotel and instead leave early Sunday morning, that she would meet us at our house and just ride up with stepdaughter and I...so "it can be a girls thing"...I wanted a girls thing, but it wasn't supposed to include her!! So now I don't see any way around her coming with us. My husband suggested saying that
we were all going, then at least she wouldn't come with us...then at the last minute say that the plans changed and just have stepdaughter and I go...the trouble with that(besides the lie) is that would mean, she'll book a room at the same place too and
then I will still end up spending time with her. And, when you book a room you can't have more than 5 people so we'd have to book two rooms if we were all planning to go...when we get there and only have one room reserved, she'd know we never planned for all of us to go.
If I say we're not staying over, she'll want to meet at our house and I'll have to ride with her for 2 1/2 hours there, spend the day with her, and then ride 2 1/2 hours back...I might be ready to drive off a cliff after that! Not to mention that would mean after leaving the house by 6am and riding in the car all that time, stepdaughter will be expected to be ready to perform. I could imagine she'd feel pretty lathargic after a morning like that... AND I'd lose out on the nice one on one girls day I had been planning for.
If I tell her that I was just looking forward to some one on one time and that I'd rather she not join us, my husband is sure "real" mom would tell stepdaughter that we wouldn't allow her to be included and stepdaughter would be sure to NOT ENJOY her time with me anyway just out of spite. And these days, I believe that's exactly what would happen.
The only other option I see is to have just my husband and stepdaughter go instead. I would hope that would deter her mom from wanting to go with them, but I can't be sure. Even if
she went herself, they'd still book at the same hotel...then
my husband would be forced to spend that time with his ex...and he wont go for that either. I don't see any other options!!!
My husband and I have primary custody of the kids with "real" mom having every other weekend visitation...this weekend is ours. Stepdaughter craves attention from her"real" mom because she never gets it. We have a good relationship, but not so good that I want to have a slumber party with her! I know the best thing for stepdaughter would be to suck it up and spend the time with her and her "real" mom, but I'm not sure I can do it!!
OMG you're screwed either way
OMG you're screwed either way now!
This is why I love not ever talking to BM, that way we don't have to coordinate activities.
You are going to take a back seat now anyway since BM is all putting her big butt into everything.
How about, do it the same way as if DH were going. Would they rent a hotel if he was there? Rent your room and try to make the best of it as possible. But you are going to be the one sucking it up the whole frikin time.
I'd say girl weekend was officially DEAD. If you coordinate, the BM is going to dominate you and puppy around you begging and irritating you. Can you send Dad and let it be daddy/daughter weekend?
I am really sorry your plans got ruined! It was a really nice thought on your part. Perhaps yall could do something another time if this doesn't pan out.
UPDATE: So I received a
UPDATE: So I received a glimmer of hope this morning. After deciding to just "suck it up" I told BM that SD and I had rented a room and that she was welcome to stay with us if she liked (we've done things before, just the 3 of us, ice cream, lunch, etc...but never the sleepover! But still I felt uncomfortable telling her she couldn't tag along) She responded by saying that her mom (SD's Grandmother) lives halfway in between and so BM might just stay at her house for the night instead of rooming with us. Could this possibly be happening??! Maybe she was just trying to get me to be the bad guy by not letting her be part of the weekend?? Maybe she never thought that I'd actually agree to it, and now she needs an "out" herself...did I actually "win" this round...will I get my girl's weekend with SD?? I can't celebrate just yet...BM did say that if she didn't stay with her mom that she would like to room with SD and I...she's supposed to be letting me know later today...keep your fingers crossed for me!
I can tell you that from my
:jawdrop: I can tell you that from my experience of BM butting in on girls night stuff even when its a sporting event or whatever it will never work if boundaries are not set in place and then enforced. If I was you I would have DH sit down with BM and set up very clear boundaries and then never deviate from them. Once you give an inch the BM will take a mile. I would make it very clear to DH that the BM is not to share a ride or room with you as that puts you and the daughter in very awkward position and that is not fair to either one of you.
If your DH cares and loves you and the whole situation he will make it very clear to his ex the boundaries.
Can tell you been there done that, it has caused major issues between me and my DH in regarding to his ex and his kids. Be very clear to DH is the best advice I can give you. As a stepparent you have the right develop a relationship with your step daughter out BM interfering.