Help Me!
I am new to this forum, but I need advice. Husband and I just got full custody of my SD. We have been together for almost 6 years and my SD was just a year old when we met. As soon as I saw her she was the most beautiful little girl I had ever met, and from then on we have always been like peas in a pod. In order for you to understand the situation I need to tell a little bit of history....we have been in the court process for the past 4 1/2 years. We started becasue BM took SD for a month and a half and would not let us see her. We tried to call the police but they said that because we didn't have a written order it was a civil matter. Yeah....Thanks! we hired a lawyer which cost us everything we had and we even had to ask for help from my husbands father. we finally get her back and in a stable schedule and BM files a protection from abuse order and takes SD again! We ahd already hired a Guardian ad litem for the last time so we had to pay for him to come back in to prove there was no abuse. We just finished the 3rd time in court and finally got full custody. Which feels pretty good. It's been a long hard road to get to this point. My problem now is through all this back and forth my SD is the one that has been hurt. She gets to see her mom every weekend which she likes but every time she comes home its some new story how we made it so BM could never see her daughter and she even went as far as telling her that the guardian was friends with daddy and thats why we got custody. She is crazy. BM cries every time SD asks about us and tells her it hurts her feeling when she wants to see us. So of course now the SD takes it out on me, although she was just born when her parents split she insists that everything would be better if they were back together. Also she always compares us, one day she even went as far as asking how many diamonds were in my wedding ring because real moms were suppose to have more diamonds than stepmoms. Now how many 6 just turned 7 YO would come up with that on there own? I just need to have someone tell me that It's not just me this is happening to. I love SD with all my heart but I need some help with letting the hateful comments go. P.s I didn't talk about him mutch but my husband is 100% supportive of me and makes sure SD knows that we are a team. Pease Help!
I understand you
You lucky to have such a supportive husband. I go through the same thing with my SD. Whenever I am folding laundry she'll watch me and say things like, "Hey daddy aren't those the underwear mommy bought you for your birthday". She will also contsantly remind people of the fun things she, her father, and her BM did together before they split ( which was about a year before I met him). It's hard b/c these things can hurt and anger you at the same time. I think being a mom is the hardest job out there. But being a sm is almsot harder because you do everything for this child and then somehow that distinction is always made that somehow you are not real. As if SM are just an illusion!!
It sounds like all of your SD's comments are coming from BM. My best advice is try as much as possible to remember that and just breathe!!
ThankYou
Gabby I think your right I just need to try not to take things so personal. But your right it is hard to be compared to someone 24/7. The thing that gets me is that this just started recently, just after the custody change. Its very frustrating. Isn't it amazing how sassy a 7 year old can be. I was shocked to here some of the things that come out of her mouth. Hang in there, and I would sit down with your fiance and tell him your concerns, if he won't listen thats only going to make it harder on you.
Children's Bill of Rights and Supervised Visitation
There is a Children's Bill of Rights that is attached to each new Divorce/child custody decree here in Texas. It is long but very worth looking through.
CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
1. Neither parent shall deny the child reasonable use of the telephone to place and receive calls with the other parent or relatives.
2. Neither parent shall speak or write derogatory remarks about the other parent to the child, or engage in abusive, course or foul language which can be overheard by the child whether or not the language involves the other parent.
3. Neither parent shall permit the child to overhear arguments, negotiations or other substantive discussions about legal or business dealings between the parents.
4. Neither parent shall physically or psychologically attempt to pressure, or influence the child concerning the personal opinion or position of the child concerning legal proceedings between the parents.
5. Each parent will permit the child to display photographs of the other parent or both parents in the child’s room.
6. Neither parent shall communicate moral judgments about the other parent to the child concerning the other parent’s choice of values, life-style, choice of friends, successes or failure in life (career, financial, relational) or residential choice.
7. The parents will acknowledge to the child that the child has two homes although the child may spend more time at one home than the other.
8. The parents shall cooperate to the greatest extent practicable in sharing time with the child
9. Each parent will permit the child to retain, and allow easy access to, correspondence, greeting cards and other written materials received from the other parent.
10. Each parent will respect the physical integrity of items possessed by the child which depict the other parent or remind the child of the other parent.
11. Neither parent will trivialize, or deny the existence of the other parent to the child.
12. Neither parent will interrogate the child about the other parent nor will either parent discourage comments by the child about the other parent.
13. Neither parent will intercept, “lose, derail, forget” or otherwise interfere with communications to the child from the other parent
14. Neither parent will refuse to acknowledge that the child can have or should have good experiences with the other parent.
15. Neither parent will directly or indirectly attach or criticize to the child the extended family of the other parent, the other parent’s career, the living and travel arrangements of the other parent, or lawful activities of the other parent or associates of the other parent.
16. Neither parent will use the child as a “middle-man” by using the child to communicate with the other parent on inappropriate topics.
17. Neither parent will undermine the other parent in the eyes of the child by engaging in the “circumstantial syndrome” which is done by manipulating, changing, or rearranging fact.
18. Neither parent will creat for, or exaggerate to, the child differences between the parents.
19. Neither parent will say and do things with an eye to gaining the child as an “ally” against the other parent.
20. Neither parent will encourage or instruct the child to be disobedient to the other parent, stepparents, or relatives.
21. Neither parent will reward the child to act negatively toward the other parent.
22. Neither parent will try to make the child believe he or she loves the child more than the other parent by, for example, saying that he or she loves the child more than the other parent or over-informing the child on adult topics or overindulging the child.
23. Neither parent will discuss child support issues with the child.
24. Neither parent will engage in judgmental, opinionated or negative commentary, physical inspections or interrogations once the child arrives from his or her other home.
25. Neither parent will “rewrite” or “rescript” facts which the child originally knows to be different.
26. Neither parent will punich the child physically or threaten such punishment in order to influence the child to adopt the parent’s negative program, if any, against the other parent.
27. Neither parent will permit the child to be transported by a person who is intoxicated due to consumption of alcohol or illegal drugs.
28. Neither parent will smoke tobacco materials inside structures of vehicles occupied at the time by the child.
29. Each parent will permit the child to carry gifts, toys, clothing and other items belonging to the child with him or her to the residence of the other parent or relatives or permit the child to take gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child back to the residence of the other parent, as the case may be, to facilitate the child having with him or her objects important to the child. The gifts, toys, clothing, and other items belonging to the child referred to here means items which are reasonably transportable and does not include pets (which the parents agree are impractical to move about.)
It is difficult to prove that a parent has been violating the bill or at the least alienating the other parent. However, if you find a forensic psychologist they can evaluate the child and testify in court. Forensic just means they are qualified to testify in court, they are easy to find. Their testimony will determine whether the parent in violation would receive supervised visitation or worse/jail time.
There is a place called kids exchange where parents go for supervised visitation. Go to the website here to read more about them. http://www.co.travis.tx.us/dro/kids_exchange.asp
This is a lot to read and think about but I believe it is a really good place for all of us to start when thinking about the well being of our children and step children.
you should
correct sd in a possitive, civil way without belittling (my spelling needs help) bm. it will be hard, you will want to lash out at her, but it is not her talking - it is bm. i should follow my own advice. kill bm with kindness, even when talking about her in front of sd, sd will see you as the bigger/better person eventually.
We made a rule...
Never to comment in a negitive way about BM when SS was here. DH and SS were like frat brothers when we met and they used to call her the dragon and SS used to roll his eyes to his dad and say you know what the dragon is like.. I put a stop to that because I didn't think it was healthy and although she is a dragon she is his mother and deserves his and DH's respect.
SS no longer refers to his mother in a negitive way and when she won't let SS come or comes up with the Bullshit, DH just says oh well mate maybe next weekend. Through this type of communication SS now see's who the bad guy is without all the name calling and he wants to live with us. She doesn't know this yet.
My point is that maybe just steering the conversation away from her, saying nothing negitive as you are doing and giving her all the love she needs, gently telling her the diamond thing and other such nonsense is not true and talking gently with her about the way life works with ex's and so forth and being positive about her mum, she will soon come to see that its more fun when everyone isn't bagging each other. She is in that funny age 7 to 8 and this will pass. Sounds like you always had a great relationship, it will soon go back to that with your love and patience. Good on you for being the better woman in this.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
I have had to run from my
I have had to run from my hoyse holding my tongue whle still trying to repeat the serenity prayer often, I get into the car call my brother who (like me) often makes it almost funny the things this women is capable of convincing herself of on her planet. Then I come home and explained to SD- Sometimes people find out they don't make each other happy and everyone deserves to be happy. And soon our BM started to contradict herself and when SD became old enough she saw it too, oh,I still love your dad(gag), he used to beat me, sell drugs and then left for SM(whatever) even though we were so happy(alright even children can tell when they step in the cow pasture) SD is now 14, I have been here since 4, BM is still anut but now I can LAUGH LIKE HELL and truely see how sad BMs life really is and how desperately she clings to the past-and how she has done it to herself regardless of who she blames.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
ss problems
i have been in a relationship for almost three yrs now,bd has bs,whom is v spoiled,over weight and also at times has ticks.the main problem is that bd is in a lot of debt.but still continues to spend money on bs like his rich..and its all behind my back,although i don't mind him buying his son things if he needs them,but wot i don't agree with is buying pc games and dvd's constantly,then the not telling me and his bs dropping him in it so to speak,really hurts..they constantly text and are on msn chatting to each other,my partner wont let me read the msn messages and delete's the text's and also wont be open about phone calls he receives from his son,i feel left out and bitter that he wont share this information with me.also his son is obsessed with the pc,so if his asked to come off it,he will go into one.. it gets blammed on me as bd says its my rules,he is scared to tell his son off & everytime he does something wrong,he says its my rules and my house,he wont take responsibility for discipline..the thing is my daughter see's all this and is starting to feel resentful towards sb,its got to the point where i don't want him over mine at all,as my daughter gets upset also..(as she does follow the rules) i love my partner but i dont know how much longer i can continue with ss still being spoiled and my partner not willing to get some bulls and tell his son off when needed...and all the whispering behind my back about the latest game he wants..