Advice request - Can't get young SD to not call me mom
So newish to the step parent game and not sure what to do. SD is 4, and very self centered. She's an only child with us, BM's boyfriend has a few kids but not "siblings" (calls them friends) and her BM lives off child support and alimony so likely 100% of her time is focused on the child. Everything is hers to a weird point...for example DH bought me flowers, and I had them on the table. She comes home asks if they're for her and I say no DH gave them to me as a gift. SD insists they are for her, eventually that they are ours, but mainly hers, etc. Until I finally drop the conversation and walk away. Same for Christmas tree "is it for me?" She pipes out in her fake-sweet-innocent voice..."no, for the house"..."oh the house? ...No..for me" again going on like this until I walk away, but she's ready to demand and argue this out. She and an elderly woman both said "merry Christmas" in a store, she later asked DH and I who said it more sweet. We both told her the old woman (we're testing this at this point). Continuously trying to redirect the conversation to anything but she keeps looping back that she was the most sweet/best/whatever for 30plus minutes. Nothing will get her brain off it.
So bigger issue - she even does this with me. Insisting on calling me mommy. There is no redirect, "you have a mommy", "you'll hurt her feelings", I'm daddy's partner, flat out "I'm not your mommy", etc. that gets her to drop it. She'll demand she is my daughter and I her mom. She also often does this in front of others, at odd times. She has an active BM, who would likely flip out if she knew. DH isn't sure what to do, and neither am I. We aren't married, but do live together, so she sees me a lot. At this point, I'm not sure what's more damaging to demand she stop calling me mommy, or hope she ever says it in front of BM (who will no doubt lose her shit at the kiddo). I'm also just not comfortable with her obsession that everything is hers, and that I'm an object apart of that.
Any advice on the selfishness, obsessiveness, or mommy thing would be greatly appreciated! (Also is this just obnoxious but age appropriate at 4?)
Welcome to the site!
Welcome to the site!
Pre-school children are often very egocentric, and this gets smoothed out a bit when they go to school and realise they are not the centre of the Universe! They are also often not good at sharing until age 6 or 7 when they can bear to let go a bit.
With regard to her calling you mommy, I would just let her - it's not like you have insisted on it or anything - if she does it in front of her bio mother then too bad - BM will just have to suck it up.
She is 4. Quit playing her
She is 4. Quit playing her games. Ignore her manipulations. She will move on to something else if no one acknowledges her.
It’s her age
I agree with the others. She’s just at an annoying age. Sometimes you just ignore her or let her know when she needs to get over herself.
Regarding her calling you mom, I understand how uncomfortable that could make you feel. My SD7 calls me by my first name and I’ve known her since she was 2. She has occasionally slipped up and said mommy, but she’ll correct herself. Have you ever asked her why she calls you mom? Are you doing any “mommy” things with her like bathing her, tucking her in at night? If not, It could be a play type of thing for her especially since she knows it bothers you. But I’d say consider it an honor that she calls you mom and not something else
In all seriousness, you may have to continue requesting that she doesn’t call you mom if it’s really bugging you.
Thank you!
thank you all for the perspective and warm welcome! Appreciate that this community is here!
My skids did that
I would say my name is _________ please call me by my first name.
My SD did this around 4, too.
My SD did this around 4, too. I think most kids go through the "me me me" stage around then. We thought it was hilarious. We had a christmas party at work that invited all families. She decided it was a party for her and walked around asking everyone if they were enjoying her party. Everyone thought it was adorable lol but she did this with everything... When we moved into a new home, she insisted it was HER home that SHE picked out. She grew out of it within a year or so, but don't think so far into it. She's a kid. She's not selfish because of it!
As for calling you mom, if you're truly against it, use consequences to get your point across. First explain that it's wrong because her mother would be hurt, than use whatever works. No toys, timeout, whatever it is, do it until she stops.
When I was a kid I thought
When I was a kid I thought the fireworks on the 4th of July we’re for me. I seriously used to tell people that they just didn’t get the memo I was born early because I was supposed to be born on the 4th. My grandparents even made a special trip taking off work to be there on the 4th to meet me but I was born early. As an adult I joke about it but that was my understanding.
Now that was me but let’s talk about your 4 year old SD and developmental psychology. There was a guy called Jean Piaget who outlined his theory on cognitive stages of childhood development. It’s not till stage 3 (concrete operational stage) that children become more aware of external events. They become less egocentric and begin to understand not everyone shares their thoughts, beliefs, or feelings. This is age 7 to 11. ( https://www.learningrx.com/4-cognitive-stages-for-child-development-faq.htm )
Show a small child a box with the inside painted yellow and the outside green. Ask them what color they see (yellow) then turn it around and ask them what color you see. They will answer green. They are incapable of understanding other people see something different and more important have a different perspective. They are literally the only thing that matters. Everything is what they think and see.
Now as for her calling you mommy. Again go back to the fact that young children have very simple minds and understanding of the world. You are with her daddy and you are female. In a simple world that makes you mommy. She is also the only child there so why wouldn’t you be HER mommy. You’re not anyone else’s mommy so why can’t she have two mommies. I’m going to bet someone in her life is also telling you that she has two mommies.
SO’s oldest had her teacher tell her that I was (like her mom) when I had only been with SO for about half a year. They thought they were being helpful and forward thinking. Thankfully SO’s oldest was at the stage where she had a more complete ability to understand these concepts and the world around her. While she could understand this SO’s youngest seemed to be rude in comparison for how blunt he was about me not being his mother. I wasn’t like a mother or a parent and how could anyone think that.
My point to all this is she is a kid and a small child at that. Her behavior isn’t manipulative or evil. It’s normal. It’s annoying yes but that doesn’t mean you need to run for the hills. How you handle this will have a LARGE impact on how things turn out in the future. Softly keep reminding her what reality is but remember she’s a kid. If you think she’s doing this intentionally you’re response to her will be more harmful to any future you have with this child in your life.