Should I just leave?
I met the love of my life 2 years ago. She is wonderful in all ways and I have no complains about her at all. Sex is great, she looks great, she's healthy, she makes more money than me, is better at building networks and friendships, the one with practical know-how (if the car needs fixing she's on it) and does more in the household. I'm not lazy, but I do have diabetes 1 and less energy than the average person. And she has plenty more than average. I appreciate, respect and admire her. Our relationship is great because we are very kind to each other.
This is about my struggles as a stepfather to her kids aged 6, 8 and 9. I suppose the only downside is that I should be having this talk with her instead of venting on an internet forum.
We have talked about it before though. I've told her many times I love her kids. And I really do. I treat them well, almost as if they're mine and without stepping on BioDad's toes in any way. I've told her I want to share life together. I've told her I believe we should both strive to contribute to the household as much as we can. We don't put expectations on each other. If I am to be in a relationship with a single mom I have to accept her kids and take my share of responsibility for them - to form a healthy relationship with them, help raise them, believe in them and have their back. And I do.
Where can this possibly go wrong?
BioDad has them every other week. I feel frustrated about him being an asshole to my GF in their previous marriage and emotionally abusing the kids when at his place. Still he's the one with the dad title and I'm the one with less authority, less importance, less appreciation. I feel frustrated at wanting my own kids. I didn't want kids before but now that I'm in this kind of life I really do. At the same time I don't! Because it's' a s...load of work esp when you have 3 from before. Also, she's 38 and very hesitant about having more.
It's lonely being a step parent. My friends can't relate. My parents can't relate. My girlfriend is the only one who can relate because she used to be a step parent herself! I can relate to so many of the little issues you face when taking on someone else's offspring.
I'm frustrated at needing the kids to like me. I can't yell at them. If I do, their trust in me will detoriate. I know, because I had such a stepdad when I was a kid. She does the disciplining and yelling at times. She does a great job at parenting.
I'm an only child myself, and an introvert. I'm that quiet office rat. The analyst mind. I need space and quiet. This need is very much compromised at this point. I feel like I've been getting by, barely. The corona virus and homeschooling has just made it unbearable.
The real trouble is, we bought a very expensive house 6 months ago. I was hesitant. But who isn't? I just went all in thinking it would work itself out over time. Turns out living together poses challenges I didn't see while living seperately (or didn't want to see.) Sex has become boring and everyone farts and burps all the time. I want to stay indoor while she wants out. I want to be alone while she wants to see friends. I do get some alone time and it yields enough energy for me to be a good boyfriend and step up with chores and house work but it's all so draining and intense. I just wish my old life back. Alone but not lonely. I was heading towards early financial retirement at 33. Now I'm 35, own 50% of a huge house with huge expenses, and otherwise I'm broke.
I'm tired, frustrated, sad. I'm heading towards exhausted, angry, depressed. Or just indifferent, which to me is a bad sign. I'm not angry at her nor the kids. I just want out but it's so difficult. I'd be letting the kids down, I'd be letting my GF down, we'd have to sell the house and move. And might I regret? Is the grass really greener over there? Maybe I should just accept the frustrations of life and stay?
Thank you.
Thank you.
None of us can carry the house alone. We bought the house together with equal amounts of equity and own 50% each. If we sell the house, each of us are entitled to half of the money after paying mortage and sales costs. Currently there is huge risk in the real estate market because of the virus. If this virus situation lasts for years, we'd get financially stressed trying to sell it. Both of us work. She makes more than me, so she is the bigger contributor financially. We both contribute 100% of our salaries to all our shared and personal expenses, kids included. BioDad covers half of expenses towards kids.
As you can see, there really are no issues, except the ones inside me.
I have 2 previous long term
I have 2 previous long term relationships in my life. At the time when those ended, I was never afraid of finding someone else, someone better, even though my partner was very fine. Now I'm not so sure. It feels like anyone would fall short compared to this woman, and I'd put expectations upon my future partner that they cannot fulfill.
I suppose the pros outweigh the cons in such a way that I can survive with this for 20 or 50 more years, just like someone with HIV or a mental illness can survive a lifetime. The beautiful moments are truly beautiful but they seem so rare. Writing this reminds me of how some people describe life of a parent. My heart jumps between hatred and love. Slight and prolonged hatred. Then pure intense love. Someone please tell me life is not supposed to be that way. Someone please tell me it's possible to experience bliss and happiness for extended periods of time.
Welcome to parenting.
Welcome to parenting. Everything you are experiencing and feeling has nothing to do with the kids being SK. You would have the same trials and tribulations if they were your BKs. Kids are work and sacrifice, but it is also rewarding. You have to decide if that's a commitment you are willing to make.
Having your own kid, with
Having your own kid, with this woman, would probably be the worst thing you could ever do in life. Get out of this relationship and don't look back. I think you should get a good counselor and start figuring out why You keep making the same mistakes.
Are you having
Are you having specific issues with this relationship and these people or with commitment in general? From what you have written it seems that this may fall into a pattern, I agree with Missingme that some counseling to find out what exactly is going on would be a good idea. However, I would do that before dumping the relationship and the expensive house investment. You very well could lose a good thing in the relationship/family and your shirt in the housing market given that you have no equity built up. And frankly if there are no major issues - just that everyone farts and burps and you are feeling overwhelmed living with people rather than alone - your girlfriend is going to be completely blindsided, reasonably hurt and angry, and not likely to be charitable toward easing your financial loss. It is reasonable to expect that an introvert would take time to adjust to living with several people. Leave if you truly are unhappy but be sure about what is going on with you.
Thanks susanm, I need to take
Thanks susanm, I need to take some time to think about your questions. Infact I've asked myself the same things for the past few months and ended up in a waiting line for a good psychologist. When the virus is over I'm going to do some work on me in collaboration with a professional. I'm suspecting I have some unresolved issues from my own childhood involving step parents. In the meantime I need to avoid going crazy being together 24/7.
You cannot be all in and take
You cannot be all in and take care of your relationship, your partner, her kids, and the family you all represent together if you are not taking care of yourself. I get the never ending drain of having a chronic disease. I have been a T-1 diabetic for approaching 40 years. So I get "it" and I live it every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year for decade after decade.
And... life is awesome. There is no need to be without energy. Even with this disease.
I recommend this book. It is has been my go to guide for managing this disease for ~20 years. It is written by an MD who also happens to be a T-1 diabetic and has been for ~70+ years.
http://www.diabetes-book.com/
PM me your ship to address and I will buy you a copy and have it sent to you. I have purchased and given more than a dozen copies to struggling diabetics over the years. Following this solution has allowed me to avoid all of the nightmare consequences of failure to control this disease. No ED, no heart disease, no kidney failure, no retinopathy, no neuropathy, etc.....
One thing about this disease that is an absolute fact is that it is not a disease for an individual. It is a disease that is shared by life partners, kids, extended family, friends, etc, etc, etc.... It is all encompasing. Though you are the one with the disease, if you do not absolutely own it, control it, and keep your head constantly in the game of managing it, the disease will kill your relationships across the board. The insane mood swings associated with uncontrolled BG levels, absolute inability to perform (sexually, professionally, socially, etc...) when your BG is so high you could start a side job as a sugar cube, etc... Based on some of your comments I would not be surprised if you do not suffer from massive blood glucose swings. Uncontrolled BG can cause depression, anger, irrational behavior and a plethora of other nasty side effects that effect anyone and everyone you interface with.
I had a phase early in my 25+ year marriage to my incredible bride that lasted for a couple of years. I am lucky she did not boot my angry irrational ass out the door. I had crazy lack of control of my my blood glucose levels. I was working insane hours at work, going to grad school, navigating a new marriage, raising a toddler with my wife (a kid that is not my progeny), and I would go from Dr. Jekyl to Mr. Hyde at the drop of a hat. It was scary. Then my retinologist recommended Dr. Bernstein's Diabetes Solution (The Book) to me. At the time his wife was working on completing her Ph D in nutrition and was using the book as a key part of research material for her Disertation. He and I were adressing a blood clot that had formed in my L retina and as a long term diabetic even then he was of the opinion that normalization of blood glucose for diabetics was critical in order for me to have a long healthy life free of the usual Diabetes related nightmares.
This book pretty much saved not only my marriage but my life.
Now for the Skids. There is no need to yell. What has to happen is that you and Ms wonderful have to establish set standards of behavior and performance for the Skids when they are in your home. And enforce those rules. Together. As equity life partners you are also equity parents to any children in your relationship home regardless of kid biology.
You say she gets it as she has been a SParent in the past. So, sit down together, establish the rules, and make each other the priority over all else. Over the SKids and for damned sure over the XH. Kids cannot be the priority for anyone in a true equity life partnership. Kids are always the top relationship responsibility but not the priority. Any couple who puts kids first has put an expiration date on their own relationship. It will fail. It is only a matter of time. Regardless of who the BioParents of those kids are. Yours, mine, ours, adopted, stolen, etc... It makes no difference.
Good luck, and take care of you.
Read the book. You will have more energy than you have imagined since before your Dx as a T-1. It really is incredible.
Don't forget to PM me.
Rags, thank you so much for
Rags, thank you so much for your hospitality and well written post. I definetely need to take better care of myself. I'm a kind person, maybe too kind to others at the expense of myself and my disease.. Just today I had low blood sugar after preparing food for the kids because I forgot to eat in time.
I'll take some time to digest what you've written and come back to reply later.