In out, in out, shake it all about! More bedroom ping pong!
For those who don't know my sad little story my DH and I haven't shared a bed for six months since I disengaged from his kids. A couple of weeks ago he decided to come back into our bedroom but it hasn't been good for me. I wasn't sleeping well (a bit like sleeping with a basking walrus!) and so I came up with a plan to sleep in the guest room during the week as he has to get up early for work and I don't, but to sleep together at weekends (thinking of kindling a little romance there!)
Last night I took my meds and books and other things into the guest room where I slept like a log and woke up in a great mood thinking another step in the right direction.
However, DH came home tired from work and made another suggestion- that he move back into the guest room as he prefers it in there!! He said my having the tv on late disturbed him!! I heard myself apologising for watching tv when he had gone to bed!! Duh! what is wrong with me?I just wanted to throw something at him! I can understand how you might read this and think we are both completely bonkers.
I did make some suggestion that maybe the problem might be solved if he didn't work so early (he's his own boss- so can choose his own hours) but this was a real no no. He has three priorities over me: his kids, his work and his boat. I would seem to be a poor fourth who isn't good for much it seems. He doesn't even touch me for heaven's sake. I think any therapist would have a field day with the pair of us!
So, now I think I'm back in the master bedroom and he's back in the guestroom except I think we'll be sleeping together at the weekend.
I know some people have it much worse than me but I sometimes wonder how the heck I got here!
Many loving couples sleep
Many loving couples sleep apart for lots of good reasons.
Sleep Apnea machines, snoring, insomnia.
That is alone is not a problem.
The other issues about affection, that is more of the issue.
But I think this current plan is a great for you two.
If this is the first weekend of this arrangement maybe you could
make sure to extend an invitation to your bedroom.
I think the term loving
I think the term loving couple does not apply here- I certainly don't feel too loved by him right now... however, we do have our weekend 'arrangement' so I'll see how this goes.
I really want to have a talk
I really want to have a talk to him tonight- I'm out at a meeting and he seems to want to meet up with his son at the weekend, which won't help. I'm getting tired and worn down by all these antics. It is that lack of affection that is the problem...
I am so sorry you are having
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I can certainly understand wanting to throw something at your dh.
The first time I tried to disengage my dh did not like it one little bit. The dysfunction was that my dh felt I had to allow his kids to abuse me in order for him to have a relationship with them. Eventually I was able to get it in his thick skull that he could have a relationship with his kids and not to be confused that me not wanting to be abused was somehow preventing him from having a relationship with his kids.
I disengaged once again but I did not announce it. It is a work in progress but as it stands right now it is the only way I can survive. I know that if I had announced that I was disengaging, all hell would have broke out.
Good luck sweetie!
Looking back I didn't
Looking back I didn't announce my 'disengagement'with any fanfare- I just told DH that I felt he should see his kids more without me being there. Quite how we got to where we are now is perplexing. I think underneath DH knows his kids are not that special-and it just the way that he now has to deal with them without the 'prop'of my presence. I think in the end that is what he doesn't like. I see them as they are but he can't, because they are his kids.
Thanks for your perspective, and for knowing how it feels.
I see them as they are but he
I see them as they are but he can't, because they are his kids.
What a crock. He absolutely CAN see it but he'd rather not admit that his kids are jerks. Better to blame and punish you for disengaging and making him deal with them on his own.
Or - he's a male with a super
Or - he's a male with a super ridiculously fragile ego who can't handle he was not a success as a father.
I've had some of these issues with DH. He has admitted, of course not in the heat of the moment, that it is difficult for him to accept the type of superficial, nasty person, middle-aged sorority c#nt that OSD42 turned out to be.
When I first met him he was
When I first met him he was the first man I'd ever known with what I thought had no ego. He does seem to love punishing himself and maybe I haven't 'punished' him by nagging, shouting, fighting etc like all his other wives did, so he's seeking his 'punishment' elsewhere from his kids and buying a boat that doesn't work. I think secretly he loves being a victim. Anyway, I've done analysing him...directing my energy elsewhere.
Hang in there Fairyo. This
Hang in there Fairyo. This is like a rollercoaster, but it will get better. I am only reading between the lines, but I think you are trying too hard and your DH knows this, so he is playing a mind game. My DH plays mind games too. You will get to the point that you don't care about these games and you will ignore them and take it one event at a time. This is what I do. I do not take responsibility for my DH's problems; I just don't care any longer. I love him, but the disengagement is now his problem and I have my life back.
I have been disengaged for 8 years and I finally told my DH one day: "I know you and SD56 are playing mind games. It won't work. I am just stubborn enough to continue to build my own life and move forward without you and SD and her family, as long as you choose to be passive aggressive to me." My DH knows I do not play games and I am straight up with my life. Why he thinks he can play me into re-engaging is beyond my imagination.
We are doing better. My DH has not moved out of the bedroom; although he is very torn with my disengagement. I believe he is understanding more every day of why I disengaged. I think it just takes time and patience. Patience is not one of my assets, so it is also very difficult for me. I have been fighting this for 8 years, but it is so worth my decision to disengage.
Try to relax and do things that relax you. I have hobbies, GF's (lunches), window shopping, yard and garden hobbies and I love to cook; lots of things to keep my mind busy. I also give myself down time; I make time for myself to read or go for a walk, which allows me to clean up my negative thinking.
You are getting there. When I read your posts, I can tell. It takes years sometimes, but you need to take care of yourself and do what is right for you.
((((hugs))))
Sammi I really appreciate
Sammi I really appreciate your outlook- today I have been to see my sister and we had a great time together. You are so right about trying too hard- and I am going to stop it. I don't actually need his approval, or his lack of explanations, or his disinterest in what I might be feeling.
When I came home he was so miserable I couldn't stand being in the same space, so I just went elsewhere in the house. I can do this! I am going to ignore his game playing, for that is exactly what it is. He uses his kids like a weapon against me, but now it no longer hurts.
I have now gone back to my mindfulness practice, realising that my head was just getting too full of stuff. I am not going to get involved in tortuous conversations because I know it will lead nowhere. I have a lot of things lined up for the coming months, so like you, I will be very busy just having a peaceful time and enjoying myself.
It may take years, there is no end point.
He has to face his demons himself, and even if he doesn't, they won't be bothering me!
I am happy to hear you are
I am happy to hear you are spending time with other people. This is the best therapy; I do this too. When I say "you are trying too hard", please don't mistake my thinking; don't give trying up totally; just try in different ways.
You are correct, when you state that you can "do this". It took me 3+ years to sort it out in my mind. I am going to give you what I do; because giving advice is not my intentions. I begin each day by telling myself, "this is going to be a good day, no matter how bad it becomes". From that point on, I pick my own fights. I ignore my DH's moods (unless they are good) and I never discuss my SD56 or SGD32. If he brings them up, I say nothing and I mean I SAY NOTHING.
I begin by fixing my DH (he is disabled) a nice breakfast and going about my daily chores, plans, etc. as if nothing has ever happened. With this in mind, I know nothing has changed, but by trying to keep normalcy in my life, I AM trying. In the same token, I do not humor my DH, I just go about my life and keeping busy, heals my mind. Most days, now, I find SD and her family never cross my mind. The only thing that is changing with me, is me. So this is where I like to be and you will get there. There are days you will be very bothered by some of your decisions, but you will never regret moving forward. I have bad days, but they are fewer and fewer. I have the choice to make them better.
Our DH's have created their own world; we need to live our short life peacefully and leaving narcissism behind. There is no endpoint, but there is a beginning for good people, such as yourself.
Keep up the good work
Stay here on Steptalk and vent
((hugs))
sleeping in another room can
sleeping in another room can be a form of abusive behaviour called withholding affection. it is very common with abusive people. its like a toddler holding his breath because he is not getting what he wants.
My DH is incredibly childish-
My DH is incredibly childish- no wonder his kids have never grown up- neither has he! Best thing to do with toddler tantrums? Don't buy into the drama. One day he might act like a grown up, but I'm not counting on it!
I can't believe how much better I feel- as if another corner has been turned. Thanks for understanding.