Step sibling conflict and parenting issues
My BF and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 3. My son was 11 when we met. He was very good to my son and my son really liked him. After his sons got into the picture this all changed. My son is now 14 and he hates my BF and my BF openly hates my son. My BF's youngest son is 13 and visits us every other weekend. His 13 year old son is pretty tolerable in the moment, but outside of our presence, makes very bad decisions. He has been fined by the police 3 times within about a 6 month period. He punched a young girl on the bus, Screamed bomb in his school cafeteria and brought marijuana to school. All things that I feel are quite concerning. My son can be extremely intolerable in the moment (entitled and disrespectful); however he makes pretty good decisions outside of the home. He doesn't usually get into any trouble. My son is short and quite small for his age. My BF's son although younger by 20 months, is much taller.
We just moved into a new home. The house is an old Victorian, where the two boys have their own living space on the 3rd floor. The very first day we all were together in the home, the 2 boys got into a physical fight while we were at the store.
My BF's son was in the basement playing ping pong. My son went down and asked if he could play. My BF's son said "no" and said he wanted to play by himself. My son decided that it didn't matter, he was going to play anyway. So - he picked up a paddle and started to play next to my BF's son. My BF's son then spiked a ping pong ball into the back on my son's head. My son then punched him in the back. My son ran up the stairs & tried to lock the door as my BF's son was chasing him. My BF's son tried to block the door from being closed and got his finger slammed in the door as my son slammed the door. My son locked himself into his bedroom and called me. My BF's son went into the garage and got a golf club & waited out on the porch for us to get home.
My BF has such a negative relationship with my son, that these type of situations are always my sons' fault (in his eyes). After hearing the story of what happened (and both boys had the same story) I tried to teach both boys where they were at fault. My son, should have respected my BF's son's request to play ping pong alone. My BF's son should not have spiked the ping pong ball into my son's head. My Bf allowed me to lecture my son on his part, along with punishing him for throwing a punch. However, when talking to his son about his part in it all, my BF (in front of the kids) said "it was only a ping pong ball". He felt that his son's actions were not all that aggressive because it was only a ping pong ball. I tried to get him to understand that spiking the ping pong ball at his head is what turned the conflict physical. We then went outside so the kids could not hear us and he looked at me and said "YOUR son better NEVER lay a hand on my son again".
I was baffled by this. I am not excusing my son's behavior, he got punished, but its hard to understand how he cannot see that a spiked ball to the head provoked the physical reaction. My BF now says that he is sure his son is afraid of my son. I am not so sure about that. I would be interested in hearing what others think about this issue.
What caused the fight doesn't
What caused the fight doesn't matter. The fact that the boys can't get along does not matter.
What you really need to focus on is why you are forcing your son to live with a man who openly hates him.
Not child should have to live in that type of environment. Your home should be your safe space. Your choices have your son living in a home that isn't a warm, emotional or physical place.
I agree with Disney. I only
I agree with Disney. I only had to read your first paragraph. The rest is irrelevant.
Is your SS hand ok?? If your
Is your SS hand ok??
If your boyfriend hates your son, why do you stay with him? Could your son be taking his frustration out on your SS because he can't get back at the adult with power?
our kids never got along
our kids never got along cause mine has manners and his .....
I moved out when I saw what it did to my son, we lived in one house and SO and his brat in another, my son refused to go over and never interacted with SO and SD again. If we went on holidays together my son was always polite and respectful and kept to himself most of the times or hanged with friends. Can't say the same about SD.....
Point is, you are responsible for your son, he needs to understand, he does not have to like them but he sure as hell will respect them and be polite, if SS is doing something and he asks if he can join, SS refuse then he should simply turn around and walk away, get something else to do.... if you can't teach your son this it would be best to move out with him, you are damaging your son tremendously and for what, a BF and skid that bullies him? No man is worth it.
Your BF can not control or
Your BF can not control or parent his DS. Could be your SS is mental off, and nothing can be done without out side help.
You are not married, and living in a war zone. You BF can't be an adult, and try to be nice to your DS. But openly shows hates DS
One. Again you know the answer, you cannot live with BF until both SS and DS get older. BF has to stop hating your son.
Maybe is not worth effort,
If your BF hates your son,
If your BF hates your son, this is an issue. I don't know how you all can live happily under one roof is your BF hates your son and the two sons hate each other. Has it ever occurred to you that your BF's feelings towards your son might be justified?
I need to disagree with every other response you've gotten so far here. I strongly agree with your BF here. It WAS only a ping pong ball. Being punched and slammed in a door is not acceptable payback for spiking a ping pong ball at someone. The ping pong ball is more playful than aggressive, but it was met with pure aggression.
Your son started the argument by being inconsiderate. Your BF's son reacted by doing something to show your son he was not okay with being disrespected like that (the ping pong ball) your son then reacted by essentially assaulting your BF's son, which is not acceptable behavior at all. The golf club is a problem, but it sounds like if your boyfriends son was afraid of being attacked again, so he picked up the club defensively, which is why he was on the porch and not trying to break into the room your son had locked himself into. If I had a son, and my DH had a son, and his son physically attacked mine over a ping pong ball shot, (The way your son attacked his) you better believe I would be pretty angry at his son. I would firmly explain to my DH, the way that your BF explained to you that your son had better not touch mine again. In fact, I would add that if your son touched mine again I would call the police and file assault charges against your son if that's what I had to do in order to protect mine from being assaulted in his own home. If your son is regularly behaving aggressively and out of control like this, maybe your DH has a good reason for disliking him.
I think you need to take a better look at your own child's behavior, as its your job as a parent to make sure that stops. Assaulting someone else like that can land your son in juvi now, and in prison in just a few short years. Not only does it seem like if you did not clarify those consequences for him firmly, but you actually REWARDED your son's unacceptable behavior by defending him to your BF. You made your son believe he is in the right, and every time someone stands up to him he should punch them or otherwise attack them. The behavior is likely to continue and or escalate due to your actions, causing at minimum more friction between you and your BF as he tries to protect his child from yours, and at maximum your son being killed by his son in self defense when he decides to punch him again even though he's holding a golf club to defend himself, or it can also result in your son destroying his entire life when he punches some kid at school who told him off or threw a spitball at him and the kid falls and cracks his head open on the floor.
This actually happened to someone I know, he was only 18 and he got 20 years for it. He got into an argument with a friend, the friend was posturing over him while shouting and spitting right in his face, so he punched him. Unfortunately the punch through the friend off balance, and the guy tripped over his own shoes (which were too big) and fell and broke his head open on concrete and almost bled out, and his family pressed charges. The friend lived, but the jury ruled that he had probably intended to seriously injure or kill him when he threw the punch, (otherwise he wouldn't have hit him in the first place), so the boy was convicted of felony aggravated assault and battery, which carries a pretty stiff sentence.
It is never okay to hit someone else, and at 14 your son should know this. He is male, he has hit puberty, and at 14 he probably already has the capability to seriously injure someone, and if he doesn't he will in a few years. This is not toddlers slapping each other anymore, this is assault. Your BF is upset because you are allowing it, and by allowing it your son (and you by extension) are endangering his child.
You are serving your son up
You are serving your son up to a supposed adult man who hates him. What does that say about you as your son's mother?
Think on that for a minute.
And... what does that say about your BF? Not much IMHO.
Move on, protect your son, find a partner with character, and take care of you.
IMHO of course.