One 'step'' forward, or another one back?
I thought a few weeks ago that I was ready to 're-engage' on my terms. I have seen SS and YSD in the past few weeks but not OSD, who was always the difficult one.
DH said he was taking his grandkids out to a one-day festival today- something I would have enjoyed myself. However, I wasn't asked. I had thought about putting myself in there, but restrained myself, because it is one year ago since things started to worsen between myself and DH when we took the grandskids away. It was a disastrous weekend and I got labelled as 'evil' by DH, possibly echoing OSD's words after her kids had maybe moaned about me.
Since then, we have taken them out again but not since my disengagement six months ago. This is the second time in 6 months DH has taken them out alone.
So, now I'm thinking 'have I shot myself in the foot?' or have I finally been freed from his toxic family? The fact is I now have to stay home while he goes out and 'enjoys' himself.
When I disengaged I told him that he should spend more time with his family alone and without me there as a 'barrier.' Now he is doing exactly that. I should be happy!
The thing is DH posted a photo on social media about how it is a year ago since we took them away. So, he is remembering that sorry event too.
I like to think this is a step forward- but if he is thinking about what happened last year is he just doing it to make me feel bad? I think I know the answer... but what do you think?
Fairy, I think your feelings
Fairy, I think your feelings are part and parcel of disengaging. Learning to deal with the complex mix of emotions is part of the process.
I would start by re-framing how you perceive these times when you do not participate in their events. Don't think of it as being left home alone, think that this is free time for you to enjoy how you please. While you may have enjoyed going to the festival, you must also realize that a day out with your DH and his gkids may not have been a barrel of laughs. Consider it this way: By staying away from a potentially fun activity for a day (festival) you have PREVENTED possible negative effects by participating with them, which could have long-lasting impacts.
No one is ever happy about feeling left out. Just remember that you are being left out of spending time with people who you don't care for, and preventing more drama in your life.
I would spend the day doing something decadent for yourself, even if it is just lunch out at YOUR favorite restaurant, buying yourself something for YOU alone, etc. And most importantly, patting yourself on the back and being proud of yourself for knowing not to swim in the toxic step sludge again.
Yep- it is a very hot day and
Yep- it is a very hot day and the festival will be crowded- they will have to queue for food and drink and DH will just keep giving them money to spend on a whole load of crap they will take home to put with all the other crap they have. Why would I want to be there when I can read a book, drink home-made cocktails and think about how much less stress I'm having in my life?
You are so right about the toxic sludge- I wouldn't have enjoyed it, I would have got mad at DH for his over-indulgence and come home probably seething with minor resentments at best. He can stay out ALL day! Thanks.
Fairyo, also remember if you
Fairyo, also remember if you are not there, no one can accuse you of having done something "evil"...
Yeah, well I'm evil
Yeah, well I'm evil whichever- so I may as well have today to myself and chill out in the sunshine. It's wonderful. They can think what they like.
Though I know my
Though I know my disengagement is by far the best thing in the world for me, I can relate to how you feel. During his royal visits, I still feel unjustly left out or that my husband is a disloyal piece of s.....t, although I do know 100% I am doing what is best for ME and actually, my only peaceful option. He will never change, they will never change and I am certainly never going to sit through the original family abuse again. And, it was MY decision to stay to heck away from this dysfunctional family dynamic I did not create in the first place.
I am hoping the longer I distance myself, the less I will have these torn feelings. It has been a few years now...and, I see a little improvement in me, but still working on it. My friends and posters here grounded me a lot emotionally. ST had been the best therapist money could buy for me...
^^^^^^ all of that.....ALL OF
^^^^^^ all of that.....ALL OF THAT!
Good job CANYOUHELP: Staying
Good job CANYOUHELP: Staying on track with disengagement is very difficult, but so worth it in the end.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Keeping your mind positive and not thinking about what "they" are doing is the key to freedom.
Yay- all of that! He had a
Yay- all of that! He had a good day out with his grandkids- I had a lovely relaxing day too. Win win- we can do this!
You didn't elaborate on what
You didn't elaborate on what happened when you and DH had the kids....when you feel the kids may have moaned about you. Is there something that you regret, that you have remorse for? You are feeling regrets for something....is it what happened on this outing or that you no longer feel included?
Not feeling included is definitely a downside of disengaging. But did you feel included before? I sure didn't. I sat in OSD42's house, in the family room, usually by myself. I was used as the family photographer. OSD was "nice" to me when DH was in the room. As soon as DH left the room, I could have been invisible, except for the disturbing comments she sometimes said trying to mark her territory.
Now I couldn't be happier that DH sees these people on his own. I don't miss a thing about any of them.
Hi Lamby- I suppose it is a
Hi Lamby- I suppose it is a long story. Me and DH had the grandskids a lot, from when they were very small. It was usually when OSD wanted us to have them, which used to annoy me, especially when sometimes it was to go out with BM. (Funny how BM's new DH couldn't stand them- and she could only have them when he went fishing etc!)
But, they were good kids and a credit to their parents so I enjoyed being out with them. One thing that got me though was how she was always ready for how naughty they'd been- it was as if she couldn't believe they had really been that good when out with us. I think she really wanted me to hate and be critical of her kids so she could hate me.
Cue a few years down the line and the grandskids are getting older and more and more like OSD in their consuming and eating habits. DH planned to take them away for a weekend- we had done it the year before and enjoyed it. But, the problem was that these kids had already had three holidays! The week before we took them away OSD had taken them just a few miles up the coast! For why??
I felt these kids had had enough- however, DH was determined.
To put it in a nutshell I let my guard down- within hours they were demanding 'stuff' which DH pretended to think about...- then gave in. This pattern which irritated me no end continued for three days. On top of that I did the shopping, made sure they had their hats and sun screen, and picked up their used toilet paper from the floor due to their being too lazy to flush it. They were annoying, rude and just total brats. I found any opportunity I could to walk around, ring people or just disappear for a while. I couldn't bear being with them!!
When we got back I didn't tell OSD that they had been good- I was silent until we got home and then DH lapsed into a massive sulk.
It took weeks before he revealed I had been 'evil'- whether he was repeating this from OSD, the grandskids or it was his own word I don't know.
Even after this we took them out- partly because I wanted to ignore the 'evil' label. However, things came to a head earlier this year when SS took his overdose and DH was more away than home.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now realise that instead of being horrible to the grandkids I should have called out DH on his whole attitude to that weekend away. He said it was my fault- I should have opted out!! I couldn't win, could I? Now I have opted out and he'll have to suck it up!
.... I was used as the family
.... I was used as the family photographer...
I embrace being the family photographer. Give me the camera, I'll take your picture. Gives me a way to get out being photographed with them.
Not that DH's family ever photographs the in laws anyway. Hired a professional photographer for mother in laws 95th birthday. Not an in law in any of them. Not even the brother in law who had been married to the daughter for forty years and took mother in law to all her doctor appointments.
"I embrace being the family
"I embrace being the family photographer."
That was how I felt in the beginning, until they began to take advantage of me. I even took great shots of BM with the gkids. But when OSD signed me up to take pics of 4 other families for free without asking me, that was the last straw.
Well, I guess it's good in a way in your DH's family that all the in laws are snubbed, not just you! In my DH's family, even YSD's boyfriend's step family is more family than I am. I am past the point of caring.
Hi you two! Always good to
Hi you two! Always good to see familiar names, especially ones who know what I'm going through. Yes, disengagement has its own drawbacks and for me the biggest has been DH's attitude. It is the self care thing that is getting to me now, because I'm really not sleeping too well. I almost feel as bad as I did before I disengaged.
I am not sleeping well and the problems in the relationship are hanging over us like a great cloud. I am even thinking of going back to counselling. I am even thinking of asking DH to come with me. Just before I disengaged I remember bursting out with, 'I can't live like this!' Now I feel I may say the same thing at the wrong moment.
Maybe it was better to live in the Fairyland that we created than this reality which is harsh and cold.
How many low ebbs do I have to go through to get where I feel that I have some control over this thing?
All my life I have resisted the victim mode, despite lots of horrible things that have happened in the past, but now I feel that the victim is where he is trying to place me. I have to turn this around, don't I?
This isn't the worst thing that ever happened to me, is it?
Like you said, it is easier
Like you said, it is easier to live in Fairyland than in reality, but I refuse to live my short life for controlling people and feel even more miserable than I do in reality. Since I have disengaged, my DH doesn't even like me in that aspect. So it is a lonesome marriage for me; but I am moving forward and living the life that I chose; not what is chosen for me. We have had to start all over with our relationship; I believe time will take it's course, but who knows.
I have almost 38 years invested in my marriage; I am not going to start over. I know for a fact that I am where I want to be; my DH is miserable, because I won't bow down to him and SD56 and her family. It is THEIR loss, I am free and will NEVER regress with my disengagement of almost 8 years now.
I have my own identity back; DH is welcome to join me in our life, but he has chosen to sit and sulk most of the time. I hate control, so I move on; DH is welcome to join me, he knows that.
Yep again Sammi- I sometimes
Yep again Sammi- I sometimes feel DH doesn't like me either- maybe he never did! We have spent a lot of time together this weekend- have been on walks etc making the most of what's left of the summer but, he always seems so miserable it drives me nuts. I take heart from your situation Sammi, it is no good us thinking of giving up what we have here and I do love my home so much and take so much pleasure from what we have worked for.
Over the past few days I have been thinking there are so many women and indeed men, trapped in these loveless marriages. Everyone finds their own way through it.
After some sleepless nights since DH moved back to our room I've decided to move myself to the guest room during the week and try sharing a bed at weekends. I think we should make an effort to make the weekends special in some way! He seemed ok with this- we wouldn't he? He gets the comfy bed!
He rang me from work today- something he rarely does. He seemed upbeat for a change but then told me his boat was being repaired at last- nice of him to share that with me! He really thinks I'm interested in that thing!
Fairyo: "The boat" always
Fairyo: "The boat" always makes me laugh inside; which brings a smile to my face. Men and their toys! Whatever; when we have "girl" things it drives them mad, so guess it comes into full circle.
After reading your posts, I have but one thing to say. You are doing well, by setting some boundaries to try and make it work. You love this man, as I do my DH, and by suggesting the sleeping arrangements, YOU have made the decision, not your DH. That works on their mind, when you set boundaries and then carry thru with them. I do that now with my DH all the time.
I move thru my days as if he has no say. I ask him to join me on trips to the store or whatever; sometimes I don't ask, I just say "I'll be back, running to the store". I never make myself routine; I used to include him in everything and worry about leaving him sit home with remote control in hand. No worries now; he is welcome to join me, but if not, his loss.
As for my DH making me pay for my disengagement by depriving me of sex, intimacy, or even talking to me; you get used to it and move forward. About the time you get used to it, they begin to get over themselves; if our DH's choose to live miserably, their problem.
I am staying married, staying in my lovely home, and moving forward with my life to enjoy my retirement years. I just wish it could have been mutual; but again "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink".
I am with you on this and totally understand.
((hugs))
Hi Sammi I know you know
Hi Sammi
I know you know exactly where I am coming from and you have given me a bit of a well needed shake. This week has been much better for me. I am not working too hard now- I am leaving him be and expecting nothing. I have my own things to do and my own plans. However, we have spent the weekend together again, doing gardening jobs and sitting out in the evenings. We're sharing a bed at weekends and I even got a cuddle last night! We'll see, he didn't get to spend time with his son today and maybe he's realising his kids don't want to see him every five minutes. We'll build on what we have and see what happens. I am feeling hopeful- thank-you.
On the boat business- he has
On the boat business- he has been out on it once since he bought it. It is still awaiting repairs. DH says that everyone else shouts louder so they get their boats done first- he's last on the list. I wouldn't mind but he seems to have a certain pride in being last! I asked why he doesn't start to shout too but he didn't answer me. I don't get it. I reminded him that he wanted a doing up boat- I would have been willing to spend more on something decent. Winter's coming and I can't see it being usable until the spring. What a total waste of money. The original owner still has a boat at the same marina, when DH bought it he told him to go find him if he had any problems but of course he hasn't been to find him...