how to heal and move on
I have been through hell the last 5 years - trying to work things out with the SD only to have thrown my toys out of the crib for the last time. I did everything he asked of me keeping my mouth shut and hold my comments to my self which only made me feel physically ill and cause a lot of stress.
I am not saying that he didnt attempt to sort things out but I was never included in any discussions with the SD and always given third party comments none of which the SD ever repeated in front of me.
He decided to keep us apart - which is best for him but in doing so only made me feel like she won ..the SD
I dont want to engage with her dont want to put up with any more rude behaviour
So how do I heal ?? Im trying to forget and forgive myself for them DH and SD manipulating me
He doesnt see the sacrifice I made ....for him just the anger I would show when he would tolerate her shit behaviour.towards me or us.
Help please
Find a better partner. He
Find a better partner. He has never been your equity life partner. He prioritized his mini wife over you and "kept baby in the corner" while he catered to his failed family breeding experiment.
Prioritize yourself. He never will.
My heart breaks for you.
one hopes
I do understand why you answered the way you have he implied that I was jealous of his relationship with his daughter.
Delusional was what I thought and I replied I am in no way jealous of your relationship I would not normally even associate myself with someone of her character. I have watched her multiple times disrepect her father my DH including depriving him of the fathers speech at her wedding, She has since the short time I have known her cheated on her husband got pregnant had an abortion whilst she lied to her mother and brother and manipulated them to help her move her things when in the background she was trying to reconcile with the husband who in the end took her back.
The DH admits to rose coloured glasses when it comes too her and has an endless ever lasting gobstopper in forgiveness for her, I have no such glasses as I have no emotional attachment to her and now a grandchild exists which he wants to be a part of her life which I understand it only makes me feel he is futher trapped in her web forever. I dont want anything to do with her, i feel more at ease knowing no longer do I have to meet up or pretend to like someone I dont.
Will the relationship last is yet to be determined. we are due to move a far distance away so will have no worry of her constant contact with him which at the moment is several times a week.
It is heartbreaking for me as I have several adult children where we dont have issues with can enjoy their company they do not demand my time weekly and get on with their lives and a few times a year we meet up and have an enjoyable dinner.
He is trying to work this out with me and understands that I have been hurt by his and SD behaviour - he continues contact with her and will occassionally visit he claims is not so much to her but the grandchild. My response to that comment from the DH was Im sure the SD would not be happy if she knew that ...that she was second fiddle to the grandchild.
I am no fool, I wont put up with a life time of this I think the next year will determine if we survive Im not willing to be in a unhappy marriage. Been there done that before and the sadness I regret I felt afterwards made me realise dont waste your life on someone who doesnt make you happy and doesnt put you first.
You misinterpreted my comment
You misinterpreted my comment. I in no way think that you are jealous. He is useless. He prioritizes his prior failed family children over his wife. He is not worthy of you.
He putting his kids
Before you. He knows that is wrong so he's gaslighting you, To make it that your are the wrong one, not him.
This pattern will repeat itself. Again and again and again.,
the future is yet to be determined.
I am also baffled by his blind loyalty to his adult children who treat him badly.....they need only say sorry I love you daddy and all is forgotten...he doesnt seem to understand that what he taught his own kids was how not to respect him or to be accountable for their actions.
I am no fool....I agree he manipulated me completely regarding his daughter...always taking her side whilst not looking back at how distressed I would become being put in such a predicament in the first place. I understand those are his kids and even when his ex wife tried to embark on a new relationship years later his adult children turned on her too...I asked him whats wrong with your kids that neither of them want to see their parents happy even if that is with someone else?
He is making an effort at the moment but I have made it clear no more will I just agree and go along with what he wants. Not just regarding his kids but any decision ...I have learned from this...and that is to put my happiness first. No longer will I cry the tears and feel trapped by his past life.
The question is how long will it take him let go of it...and forge a new happy life with me? Our move has been postponed by Covid..and I really feel until we live a considerable distance away from his kids only then might we find peace and they will move on and get on with their adult lives
I hope this helps
I am in a similar situation but with one SS. For the past almost 24 years, it has felt like an uphill battle most of the time. Does it ever get better? So far, not for me. I am not trying to be a victim, but I started going to YouTube to look up disrespectful adult children, or children who are narcissists. I also looked up to see if there was anything I was doing to contribute to the problem, because I am not perfect and I know that. I do know, that I have been fair and pretty decent towards him, and haven't done anything unforgivable that I can recall.
Most of the time, their feelings get projected onto you and it is you who is being accused of the things that they actually are doing themselves to you. My DH was also guilty of this sometimes.
How did I cope? Well, at first, I started going by myself places that would make me happy. Every Saturday I held a "me" day. I would go to the zoo or a park, and then to grab take out for myself, and then come home. At first, it was hard, but the more I did this, the more I started enjoying my alone time. The more I enjoyed myself and was happy, the less anger I held onto. I started leaving my problems at home, and started doing positive things like hobbies and other things.
Side note, it never did fix the issues, but it made it easier to handle them. I worked more hours, and did more for myself. I would leave the situation and go somewhere and come back later. I did not play headgames with my DH, I just told him where I was going and that I would be back later, and give a rough estimate of when.
When my SS moved out 11 years ago, my DH would go spend time with his son, and sometimes, I would be allowed to go. The times that they had alone time together, I would take that as an opportunity to go on a small trip, or go do something fun for myself. I held out hope that my DH would someday see the light and see how I was being treated by SS when he was present.
One day, it did seem to happen, and my adult step son threw a huge tantrum, because he wasn't getting his way with my DH. He started talking to DH like he talked to me. I couldn't stand watching him belittle DH, so opened my mouth and stood up for my DH and backed him up. My Step son told me to shut my mouth, and DH flew into a rage and got in his face and told him that he needed to show me some respect!! He actually stood up for me which was shocking to SS and I. We just sat there in silence. I seriously think SS was as stunned as I was. My DH told him to leave, and SS got up and didn't look back and he left.
We did not hear from my SS, who has blamed everything that happened on me, and refuses to even be in the same room with me now. If my husband wants to see him, my SS told DH he has to come alone. He is only willing to see him. Fair enough. I told DH it was fine, because I could go do other things. My DH refused and didn't want to give in to SS's demands. He hasn't seen SS now in two years because of this. Hooray!! He saw the light, right? Not so fast.
Fast forward two years later, I mentioned getting rid of SS's car that has been sitting in our driveway for the past five years. They aren't talking right now, and it isn't being driven. It is sitting there rotting. DH shocked me with the comment, "You just want to get rid of it, because it's "SS's" car. Wow, I had no idea the animosity he was carrying for me over this whole thing.
I feel for every step parent on this board. It is a thankless job, and most of the time, you end up being a scapegoat for your significant other and the step child. I truly don't believe it ever ends, and even the strongest of people eventually have enough.
So far, I have been able to weather the storm, so I hope this helps a little bit for those who wish to know if it gets any better. There are ups and downs, but I don't believe it will ever truly ends.
Why ??????????????
I dont get why step children have to make a new relationship so difficult when the parent only wants to be happy but with someone else ??? In these modern times divorce is rife and being a step parent is normal
I found this site and initally found comfort that the way I was feeling was normal..that Adult step kids can be so manipulative and awkward. I dispair at the mere thought that you endured 24 years of this abuse and that the DH turned on you even though him finally defended you in front of the SS did not resolve the issue but seemed to make it worse. As he now has resentment towards you. I have endured this also with my DH and told him at what point does he let his adult children be independent of him?? I have 4 children my self from previous marriages and none of them have a negative effect on our relationship they are polite and courteous towards him though none of them have liked the way he has handled the issue with his daughter their way of dealing with it...they have nothing to do with his adult kids they engage only with us..and that is fine..I told him once after a dinner party where all my kids and their partners were there watching him smile and laugh at the table I got up as I got emotional....cause I realised I would never have the same experience with his kids ....they are difficult to hold a conversation and their manners are horendous. I was raised in a house where manners and respect was expected not optional even he has told me your kids are well mannered ...my reply yes cause I raised them to be that way. He and his previous wife clearly did not see such importance. He tries to blow it off with the expression all people are different....I said yes they are ....but all people can show common courtesy and manners too.
He said to his son on our wedding day he needed to understand that the chapter of his life with his mother was over a new chapter was beginning with me...I recently said to my DH yes but both your SS and SD choose not to be part of our chapter cause now I have nothing to do with either of them. I told him they will have their own lives we need to get on with ours....Im not sure if that will happen I am still willing at this point to give him one more try...but he knows Im very indepedent I make more money than he does...I want a happy life ...not one full of chaos from his past ...my past is never in our face...my adult kids have their own lives ....if we split it will be down to him and his inability to adjust to our life.
Life is too short I may only have another 20 25 years...I dont want that to be engaging with 2 adult children from his past who only want to cause trouble or show rude behaviour...towards us as a couple....
I can easily do what you have work to the point he hardly sees me...and basically have my own life away from him....but should I chose that path ...why be married to him...I would rather move on and maybe find someone else more suitable to me or simply find pleasure in making myself happy.....
Lucy
Dang it I can feel your pain.
As you said you have to keep busy and make yourself happy. with or without DH. I have to tell you, I am on the other side. My DH left me for BM, well more like for SD. I was angry then devastated. NOW I am much more my happy self. I actually hear music. Its strange while in the midst of my turbulent marriage I felt no joy. I felt ugly , I was compared to his 23 yr old snot faced DD. I always came up short. NOW I am my own rock star,. I hope that happens for you with or without DH.