You basically leave everything SD related to your husband and live your life. You are civil to her but she is not your child and not your responsibility.
This does not mean that you give up any power in your household. Your house rules are still house rules and you can certainly make sure those are abided by, whether it be by confronting her directly or going through your husband. I did both.
There are also different levels of disengagement. I was not totally disengaged, I just played it by ear. Sometimes I did things with, and for, my SD (now, 29), sometimes I didn't.
The problem in your situation is that your husband does not have your back and he doesn't take your feelings seriously. Disengaging is not going to change that.
My DH was perfectly fine with whatever level of engagement I was willing to do, he did not minimize my feelings. And, he was not a Disney Dad, who just wanted to please his daughter. He parented her the same way as he did when he was married to BM.
Your husband should be more worried about his marriage and how he is (or isn't) parenting his daughter than he is worried about SD tattling to BM. Again, no amount of your disengaging is going to remedy that.
I have passed the torch to YSDs grandmother. She now monitors school, the phone and so on. SO doesn't have the cajones to dare question his mother and BM is afraid of her. Since she has the same parenting standards I do, she will make sure to get on SOs case when it's needed.
I have absolved myself of any responsibility or interest in YSD or her behavior.
YSD always comes to me for anything she wants or needs, because she knows neither of her parents will do it. I used to be happy to do things for her, until she decided I no longer deserved to be treated with respect.
After this last incident following months of beligerence and verbal abuse. When she vandalized my property and wrote obscenities directed at me on my dishes then tore up hundreds of peices of paper hiding them all over the house including in my dressers. I decided I had enough and was finally done.
If she thinks she hates me that much, then that comes with a price. OP I need clothes, "I'm sure your parents will get you clothes." OP can you take me here? "I'm sure if you ask your parents they will take you." OP can I go with you and DS? " I think you should spend one on one time with your father, you would enjoy that more than having to spend time with me."
BM does nothing for YSD, she has never even taken her for a hair cut. SO is lazy in his parenting and he is cheap. Plus he doesn't really enjoy spending time with YSD because she is just a disrespectful towards him as she is towards me.
Everything YSD has had the last 3 years was all provided by me and she bit the hand that feeds her. All because she thinks that is going to make BM love her and come get her. Well I wish her the best of luck in her pursuits.
My relationship with my SD used to not be like this. We used to be close. It makes me sad to know our relationship is disenigrating. Do you guys feel sad about disengaging or relieved?
I've tried everything in a decade to have even a decent relationship with younger SD. It would seem to be better then go back to silent treatment, excluding me, accusing me even when no contact. I finally had to accept disengagement because the other way hurt so much. I was involved with her since she was 11 and took her on vacations and spent 8 years of great times. I bonded and she had and will always have a special place in my heart. At around 15 I noticed changes and wrote it off to teenage stuff but it got worse as she became an adult and only wants BM near her. DH very excluded as well but goes back for more every time. I spent days crying on Mother's Day, my birthday etc. it was too painful to continue. Now she's going to have a child. It wasn't an easy decision but here is what I'm sharing: I'm detaching with love. Meaning I wish her well, I pray for her, I love the memories. Do I cry? Heck yes! But my mental health can't take it and as many say on this wonderful site, she doesn't want me in her life. I have no reasons as I've asked her and get gaslighted. I guess someone has to be a doormat and it's me. Stop the gift, texts, visits, everything. DH is free to do whatever. Also out arguments have abated although I m not lying I resent his not standing up for me. I will stand up for myself. The rest is in God's hands.
My relationship with my SD used to not be like this. We used to be close. It makes me sad to know our relationship is disenigrating. Do you guys feel sad about disengaging or relieved?
I have been disengaged since October, but haven't seen her. I think when I'm forced to see her, I will have to take a propanoral to stay calm. I think disengaging is a better choice because there's nothing about me she's interested in unless it's related to her Dad. She has never made any effort to get to know me beyond that, so I'm done. Way too much emotional effort to engage.
I have never been particularly supportive of disengagement as it tends to be far too tolerant of crappy Skid behavior and I am not one to abdicate myself from any part of my life or marriage. It strikes me as counter to a strong equity life partnership quality marriage.
I tried everything to make a good relationship with my partners daughter but she is so rude and bad mannered that I have now totally distanced myself from her. It's the only way I can take care of myself and how I feel. Becoming a step parent coach and researching about step parenting, I have learnt it is ok to not like your step children. You don't have to be their parent or treat them like your own children. My partners daughter has a mum and a dad so doesn't need a third parent. Now I concentrate on my relationship with with my partner as that is what's important and is my priority. Step parenting is a truly difficult place to be and can be very lonely and troublesome. But this doesn't mean you should suffer or forget your own self care. As a step parent we have feelings and deserve to be happy.
Just simple hellos and goodbyes. You could not talk to her. She was nasty. I tried everything. My wife said ignore her when she speaks horrible to me but she is a child and I'm not copping that garbage from a child.
You basically leave
You basically leave everything SD related to your husband and live your life. You are civil to her but she is not your child and not your responsibility.
This does not mean that you give up any power in your household. Your house rules are still house rules and you can certainly make sure those are abided by, whether it be by confronting her directly or going through your husband. I did both.
There are also different levels of disengagement. I was not totally disengaged, I just played it by ear. Sometimes I did things with, and for, my SD (now, 29), sometimes I didn't.
The problem in your situation is that your husband does not have your back and he doesn't take your feelings seriously. Disengaging is not going to change that.
My DH was perfectly fine with whatever level of engagement I was willing to do, he did not minimize my feelings. And, he was not a Disney Dad, who just wanted to please his daughter. He parented her the same way as he did when he was married to BM.
Your husband should be more worried about his marriage and how he is (or isn't) parenting his daughter than he is worried about SD tattling to BM. Again, no amount of your disengaging is going to remedy that.
I have passed the torch to
I have passed the torch to YSDs grandmother. She now monitors school, the phone and so on. SO doesn't have the cajones to dare question his mother and BM is afraid of her. Since she has the same parenting standards I do, she will make sure to get on SOs case when it's needed.
I have absolved myself of any responsibility or interest in YSD or her behavior.
YSD always comes to me for anything she wants or needs, because she knows neither of her parents will do it. I used to be happy to do things for her, until she decided I no longer deserved to be treated with respect.
After this last incident following months of beligerence and verbal abuse. When she vandalized my property and wrote obscenities directed at me on my dishes then tore up hundreds of peices of paper hiding them all over the house including in my dressers. I decided I had enough and was finally done.
If she thinks she hates me that much, then that comes with a price. OP I need clothes, "I'm sure your parents will get you clothes." OP can you take me here? "I'm sure if you ask your parents they will take you." OP can I go with you and DS? " I think you should spend one on one time with your father, you would enjoy that more than having to spend time with me."
BM does nothing for YSD, she has never even taken her for a hair cut. SO is lazy in his parenting and he is cheap. Plus he doesn't really enjoy spending time with YSD because she is just a disrespectful towards him as she is towards me.
Everything YSD has had the last 3 years was all provided by me and she bit the hand that feeds her. All because she thinks that is going to make BM love her and come get her. Well I wish her the best of luck in her pursuits.
You must keep this attitude until SD changes
Or not. Let DH the bad parent deal with her
Sad about disengagement
My relationship with my SD used to not be like this. We used to be close. It makes me sad to know our relationship is disenigrating. Do you guys feel sad about disengaging or relieved?
Disengagement is emotional
I've tried everything in a decade to have even a decent relationship with younger SD. It would seem to be better then go back to silent treatment, excluding me, accusing me even when no contact. I finally had to accept disengagement because the other way hurt so much. I was involved with her since she was 11 and took her on vacations and spent 8 years of great times. I bonded and she had and will always have a special place in my heart. At around 15 I noticed changes and wrote it off to teenage stuff but it got worse as she became an adult and only wants BM near her. DH very excluded as well but goes back for more every time. I spent days crying on Mother's Day, my birthday etc. it was too painful to continue. Now she's going to have a child. It wasn't an easy decision but here is what I'm sharing: I'm detaching with love. Meaning I wish her well, I pray for her, I love the memories. Do I cry? Heck yes! But my mental health can't take it and as many say on this wonderful site, she doesn't want me in her life. I have no reasons as I've asked her and get gaslighted. I guess someone has to be a doormat and it's me. Stop the gift, texts, visits, everything. DH is free to do whatever. Also out arguments have abated although I m not lying I resent his not standing up for me. I will stand up for myself. The rest is in God's hands.
It hurt at first, because YSD
It hurt at first, because YSD and I were very close. But I can't change that she chooses to push me away, so I just accept my reality.
It's like any other relationship. Sometimes you end up getting rejected.
Sad about disengagement
My relationship with my SD used to not be like this. We used to be close. It makes me sad to know our relationship is disenigrating. Do you guys feel sad about disengaging or relieved?
Not sure yet...
I have been disengaged since October, but haven't seen her. I think when I'm forced to see her, I will have to take a propanoral to stay calm. I think disengaging is a better choice because there's nothing about me she's interested in unless it's related to her Dad. She has never made any effort to get to know me beyond that, so I'm done. Way too much emotional effort to engage.
While I can see how disengagement could be sad.....
I have never been particularly supportive of disengagement as it tends to be far too tolerant of crappy Skid behavior and I am not one to abdicate myself from any part of my life or marriage. It strikes me as counter to a strong equity life partnership quality marriage.
Just my thoughts of course.
I tried everything to make a
I tried everything to make a good relationship with my partners daughter but she is so rude and bad mannered that I have now totally distanced myself from her. It's the only way I can take care of myself and how I feel. Becoming a step parent coach and researching about step parenting, I have learnt it is ok to not like your step children. You don't have to be their parent or treat them like your own children. My partners daughter has a mum and a dad so doesn't need a third parent. Now I concentrate on my relationship with with my partner as that is what's important and is my priority. Step parenting is a truly difficult place to be and can be very lonely and troublesome. But this doesn't mean you should suffer or forget your own self care. As a step parent we have feelings and deserve to be happy.
I stopped taking to mine and didn’t even look or acknowledge her
Just simple hellos and goodbyes. You could not talk to her. She was nasty. I tried everything. My wife said ignore her when she speaks horrible to me but she is a child and I'm not copping that garbage from a child.