Disengaging/ doing things separate from spouses
I've been browsing topics for a while on this site and many of you give advice to disengage from skids. Have separate bank accounts. Do holidays separate because your spouse would rather hang with his or her prior family etc. Or you have the situation like I had where you are an outsider and the kid and ex are the main priority.
My question is what kind of marriage can it be if you are married yet living like a single person? Is it even worth it if you have separate lives?
Can a marriage like this really work? I've been pondering these questions lately to determine if I should never date a man with kids again because they seem to be all the same and wanting to please their ex more than the spouse.
So for a single girl who is dating is it even worth it to date a single parent?
And for all of you living separate lives so to speak from your spouse. How do you do it. ? How do you continue on that way?? Just curious and I give you all a lot of credit because I could not and would not I've like that.
Thanks for reading❤️❤️❤️
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Comments
Subtle, goodness you're so
Subtle, goodness you're so optimistic. Most actually make it blatantly clear. Of the 5 step families I know including myself, 2 have a great relationship and 3 of us have terrible relationships. It really is possible to have a good step life.
This is a reply to Yolo, and
This is a reply to Yolo, and not StepAside. Sorry, I can't see how to reply directly to Yolo.
Women in most Western societies have a considerable amount of control over this. Aren't we lucky. Whether a woman wants to keep her assets to herself is a separate question from whether she wants to disengage from the skids. Keeping your assets to yourself is a no-brainer, IMHO. You should do this at the outset of any relationship, regardless, IMHO. Men, bless them, have a proven record of f@ckery that women must protect themselves from. This does conflict somewhat with being madly in love and with the romantic notion of two becoming one, etc., etc, but it is the truth. I know he's a wonderful man, but it is simple common sense to protect yourself from him as you are able.
Disengaging from the skids is more of an emotional decision, and will be arrived at (notice I don't say "might" be arrived at) in due time. You will get sick and tired of them, but if you have sufficiently insulated yourself legally at the outset, they will be an annoyance and not a threat to your financial well-being.
Sorry to be so cynical.
To reply directly to one of your questions, I believe women should stay the hell away from men with children. Admittedly this makes the dating market troublesome. While marriage is partly sweet romance, is is also a practical, time-honored, hard-headed legal and social arrangement. Pay attention to both aspects--not that you're able to ignore the sweet romance part--and act accordingly.
Do you all think the key to
Do you all think the key to having a great blended family is to be the type of person that just lets everything go and is willing to be a family with the ex??
Nope. I am disengaged from my
Nope. I am disengaged from my SS and neither my husband nor I want anything to do with his ex. We have a loving, committed relationship and he understands why I stepped back. I only engage when his son defiles my house or tries to harm my daughters.
You are fortunate--or perhaps
You are fortunate--or perhaps farther along in your journey--in that your DH understands why you have stepped back. Mine still, clearly, does not. He has recently grasped that, as he put it, "You don't like my son." So far, so good. But he doesn't understand why I don't like the kid, and he's still clearly hurt by it.
I'm tempted to suggest that he invite his ex and his son to dinner with the two of us. At this dinner, his son would look his mother in the eye and say, "I like her and respect her relationship with my Dad." This is just a thought experiment, of course, and it will never happen. But maybe suggesting it to DH will help him understand a big part of the reason why his son and I cannot have a decent relationship.
Dating is different when you
Dating is different when you are over a certain age, because everyone you date is going to have a past. Whether it be past marriage, kids, etc,
For most of us here, we didn't know what we were getting into. It isn't like one day I decided that I would get divorced and dating again. I certainly never dated a guy who had any type of relationship with his ex. Because when you are young you don't need to maintain contact with the ex.
There is no reason whatsoever to put up with ex non-sense. As for living separate lives, I have found that the older a woman gets, the more she won't put up with a mans crap.
That's how I feel. I will not
That's how I feel. I will not put up with any crap. Zero. I don't need a man for anything really. I make great money and I can be happy alone. So why would I put up with anything. The problem is maybe I'm too picky. Ugh
Hehe. Dancing u are too
Hehe. Dancing u are too funny. I wish they would give me a resume. I am extremely aware and sensitive to the step parent dynamic at this point. Maybe overly sensitive:((
DH and I kind of have
DH and I kind of have separate lives at times. Sometimes it works (most of the time) other times I resent it. I'm pretty independent and had my own way of doing things before we got together and a lot of those things carried over.
If DH doesn't want to attend a family function- Fine. If he doesn't want to go to BS's wrestling match- Fine. If he doesn't want to take a vacation with me and BS- Fine.
It's taken me awhile to get there but I'm not going to beg him to be involved. It used to hurt me and bother me but over time I have adjusted. Is it ideal? No. But I got tired of being disappointed about it. I'm not going to miss out on anything because he doesn't want to join in.
I learned over time too that DH does what he wants. So it's not just me. It's with his kids as well.
So I just learned to make plans for me and BS and if DH wants to join, fine, if not that is fine too. It's his loss.
He grows through spurts where he is really good and really involved with BS and my family then he pushes back. I think a lot of it just comes from his issues with his upbringing.
On the plus side, I don't have to attend family stuff of his that I do not want to attend. So it can be a win win.
Hey zero. I'm glad things
Hey zero. I'm glad things worked out for you but reading what you wrote marked me sad for you. If I were in your position I would not be able to handle being so separate. I would have too much resentment. I would leave. I just wish that I felt different sometimes but I'm learning to deal with how I feel and how I would like my relationship to work.
It's not that bad really. I
It's not that bad really. I think it's the way it is more because that is who my DH is. Not because of the skids or anything else. Because I am so independent and used to doing things on my own or just BS and I, even before DH came along, it makes it easier. Sure there are days I wish it were different but it is what it is.
Some of us have marriages
Some of us have marriages that are engaging on all levels, except when it comes to rejecting Skids. It is just more peaceful to stay away because our husbands have no parenting skills and we do not like to be abused and see them to continue to wipe their feet on both of us. In every other way we are maritally functional, not separate entities; partners. But, we choose to stay away to alleviate historical abuse squarely aimed at the outsiders (us and/or our kids), whom they completely reject as family, on any level.
Yolo - you just came out of a
Yolo - you just came out of a relationship, it's to soon to even consider another one lol...
You should learn to love yourself now and well make up your mind what you want from a man, What do you want for your future, This will take a while, and believe me when you know who you are and what you want, it will not matter if the guy has children or not, nothing will matter, cause you will meet the right guy who will meet your criteria and you will quickly end friendships if the guy is not what you want... but for this... you have to know what you want and who you are....
I do not even live with SO, I'm not disengaged from him, only from his spawn.... and it works for me... SO complains about it and even threatened me if I do not move back it's over, but I have the courage now to say, guess it's over then cause you will not black mail me into moving back, you know the conditions, if that does not change, I'm not moving back... this has been going on for 3 years and we are still together lol.... 15 years ago, I might have moved back immediately yo scared that SO leaves me... Now... I am like, oh if you can step so low then you are not the man for me, this is not the relationship I want...
My husband and my son have a
My husband and my son have a good step relationship. I think a lot of that though is how I parent ( drawing on my experience as a step mom) and the fact that I allow my husband to help me parent. I am the ultimate decision maker regarding BS but husband and I are a team. My son knows that when his step dad asks him to do something he needs to do it. He basically has the same type of step relationship that I had with my now former step sons.
My parents have been married
My parents have been married for 50 years this spring. They do not co mingle money and they both have really full lives and do lots of things without each other and always have. They have gone through a lot of hard times in those years but I share this because there is nothing wrong with doing things on your own.
I think a lot of stepparents
I think a lot of stepparents are set up to fail because society refuses to recognize the new normal of blended families. You can't apply nuclear family logic to blended families and yet society isn't bringing forth any helpful information on how to cope with the New-Age family that is blended. We don't know what we are doing, when we try there's a 50% chance it's wrong and 100% chance of pissing someone else off. Right now most of us are being fitted into one of two categories: Evil Stepmom or New Mom Stepmom because to the outside world, they don't conceive the alternative-DH's wife. I suggest you avoid statistics on stepfamilies because the information is inconclusive.
Good point. Finances is just
Good point. Finances is just one aspect of it. I don't necessarily think keeping finances separate is a bad thing but then u start throwing in separate holidays, disengagement etc and that would be too much for me to handle.