Best advice on disengaging with adult skids
I am considering disengaging from my husband's adult stepchildren. I cannot longer tolerate their direct mistreatment of their father, their indirect mistreatment of me, and their inability to see their mother's role in the demise of the marriage. My husband is blamed for everything, no matter who starts the issue, what he says, what he does, what he doesn't do, etc... We have been generous - time, money, care, and patience - but it is ground up every few months or so. Sometimes, the pattern is every few weeks or so.
It as a mentally unhealthy situation and my situation is looking more like the old adage: "insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results." My husband is very supportive of me and sticks up to his kids, which only seems to make things worse. But, he is a bit torn. He wants to present ourselves as a team and to demonstrate what a good relationships should be. He believes that some forms of disengaging actually seem to "give in" to the kids' demands. He is contemplating his next steps, too.
In situations where DH is very supportive, what have been your best strategies for disengaging? How did it work? I'd like to hear from some of the husbands on the boards, too as I respect my husband's stance. Thank you sooo much!
My advice to you is to cut
My advice to you is to cut him off. My DH and I have issues with SS19 similar to what you are experiencing. The more my DH tries to "reason" with SS19, the more outrageous he behavior becomes.
Today, I had to block my narcissistic SS19 from calling our phones. He has been calling all hours of the day and night pitching tamtrums because sociopathic BM has been filling his head with the usual bullsh*t again - "your father doesn't love you... your father abused you... your father beat me... and so on..." I know for a fact this is all a bunch of garbage because I was a close family friend of my MIL for over 10 years prior to becoming involved with her son 8 years ago and have known SS19 for 18 of his 19 years.
The funny thing is that this always happens everytime SS19 tries to reestablish his relationship with his father. Ironically, this happens every year around the Christmas holidays/his birthday when he hopes to wheedle gifts from us after being nasty the rest of the year.
After he left an extremely nasty voicemail (hmm... a few days after SS19's birthday), we turned off our cell phone ringers so SS19 sent us several nasty text messages. Now, his phone is blocked from calling us. I expect him to use his friends phones next. At least, he is calling from a different area code so we can screen his phone calls.
Amen. "Chase me if you love
Amen. "Chase me if you love me?" PUKE
My DW still does this with SD17, who still lives with us, although not to this extreme. However, DW's relationship with SD17 is still largely centered around coddling/cosseting/negotiating/buying. She's starting to come around, but has a ways to go.
Dear StepAside, Thank you
Dear StepAside, Thank you for your thoughtful comments and advice. I've been trying for years to be kind, supportive, loving and my SD's just don't have any respect. Unfortunately, although we had the girls every weekend when they were growing up, their Mother had them the rest of the time. She is the type of woman who screams and shouts when she doesn't get her own way and the girls have just learned that behavior from her. My youngest SD lived with us for 3 months in between high school and college and she couldn't believe how calm our home was. She then made a seriously bad decision aided and abetted by her mother to go to a college that none of us could afford. We told her no, we warned her about debt, we refused to co-sign loans and made the decision not to help. We hoped that after the first year she'd realize she was getting into serious debt and transfer. This didn't happen and now she barely speaks to us. When she does come round she's surly, sarcastic and rude. It has broken my heart as I've worked for 22 years to lay a loving foundation but it's just not there. It is what it is. Your words have helped me more than I can say. There is really nothing that I can do. I can't force her to be respectful and kind and I don't like being around her. She's having her first baby and although I had offered to babysit one day a week and cook supper for her and the baby's father I didn't receive a word of thanks, her comment was that her soon to be FIL lived nearby and would babysit. I work full time and had gone to my boss to ask if I could work from home one day a week to help out. My boss was wonderful. My SD was not. I'm tired of allowing my emotions to be battered by someone who just does what she wants and says what she wants. It's time for me to distance myself. I cannot pretend it is anything other than what it is and I'd better come to grips with this sooner rather than later. Thank you so very much for helping me to open my eyes. Blessings to you and yours.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to respond. This is great advice and I appreciate it! Onward!
To everyone who has posted on
To everyone who has posted on the subject of disengaging from adult Skids WOW thank you as I so needed this advice. I was feeling alone in knowing what to do about my situation with my Skid26 and his wife and their BM and the drama and disrespect they are creating for my Beloved husband their Dad {who has end stage cancer and does not need drama}. I am going to take the advice offered as at this point backing off is best for Dad & Myself and what time we have left.
QUESTION: Do any of you feel like the Skids and Ex is like vultures circling just waiting for your spouse to die?? One SS34 has said as soon as his Dad passes he is coming in and taking everything despite what his Dad's will states,,now I have heard through the other Skids threats of violence are being made,,,,do I ignore this as words??
A big Thank You for this
A big Thank You for this advice. It helps to have someone else weigh in on this and give me some much needed suggestions. I have disengaged from the SKids {all 3 SS's}. I feel a bit like I have failed at trying to be a step mom with these boys. I tried with all my heart to share my Love and anything I had with them and their wives and kids. I only know I cannot allow my myself or my DH to be threatened and disrespected ,,It stops now!! Thanks for all you who have advised and now empower me...Thank YOU!
Please DO NOT ignore this.
Please DO NOT ignore this. This is a serious threat. If you don't have a security system, spend the money to have one installed. Change your locks immediately. Take pictures of all your posessions and insure them - it is worth the cost if they are of any value...And lastly inform your SKIDs you have no issue with calling the police and filing charges against ANYONE that enters your home without permission and MEAN IT... Your SKIDs are bullying you... don't put up with it....
Mindygirl1, I thank you for
Mindygirl1,
I thank you for your advice. I do think letting the SS know that police have been contacted is wise. Do you think I should e-mail the SS or in a letter advise them that police have been notified of the situation? I have threats the SS have made on FB and other media and letters
should I let the SS know that copies of these are in a safe place {I have told a friend where to find them if something happens to me or my husband}. Once again Thank You!
Do not ingore his words.
Do not ingore his words. Before DH passes, get a restraining order so they can not come within 500 feet of your house. SS's threat is justification enough to obtain one. That way if he chooses to ignore the restraining order there are no 'warnings' - he will be taken away. You must be going through hell right now and SS sounds like an a$$. Good luck.
Dear sandye21, Thanks for
Dear sandye21,
Thanks for this advice as things are progressing I think getting the Police involved
is wise. The SS has numerous warrants out for his arrest and perhaps making it known , and showing police the facebook comments and written via letter threats might help secure help from the law. I send you Thanks and warm regards to you and your family.
My SD has made it well know
My SD has made it well know that she is on a campaign to see her father and myself dead, and she means it. Her mother died 2 years ago and this little bitch and her two brothers inherited her house - mortgage free and she actually wanted my DH to pay for the funeral...he was actually thinking of it, till I told him no way not one red cent, it comes off the estate, not out of our retirement fund.
Now SD has found every possible way to stress her father out the last couple of years despite him having prostate cancer and still recovering, she has used her nephew to find out how much things in our home cost, and she has said given she got nothing from her parents divorce she is entitled to everything her father has now. Cheeky bitch wanting a settlement from her parents divorce, don't know what she wanted because DH handed over everything to the ex and walked away with the clothes on his back, so there was nothing left for the evil daughter to be given, and now mum is dead, she has everything from the divorce anyway.
Apparently she has some figure of his worth in her head and she wants everything including his superannuation fund money.
Yes she is absolutely a vulture but she doesn't want to wait for him to die, she is deliberately killing him with the amount of stress she has caused.
I am so Sorry your SD is
I am so Sorry your SD is being so terrible to you and your DH who is fighting cancer. I am perplexed at Skids who think they are owed everything their Dad has worked for and in return
do not feel compelled to even drop by {unless picking up cash or something they want}. As
our finances have shrunk due to the Skids sticking us with over 75,000 dollars in debts as well as medical bills the Skids devotion and visits have shrunk. I know it is hard to watch our DH stressed and hurt as they did not raise the Skids to be this way, and the drama that they are stirring does take a physical toll SO I have found that by disengaging just in the second night
of no drama my husband and I are feeling more peace and less stress. We are still taking pre-cautions when at home and being out of the house {locking doors and asking neighbors to watch our home}.
Please let a Friend or other Family member aware of SD physical threats and if things progress
talk to DH about getting the authorities involved, and making a plan to keep yourselves safe.
Pamtiger if the above comment
Pamtiger if the above comment was for me thank you. I have made it well know to all the family about the threats, and about the fiance telling me and my husband that I was particularly at risk from this evil cow. I had my DH install a spy hole in the front door that very day for my protection and not only are my family aware of that my my DH's family have been told too. I told them not him he still wants to believe they don't mean it. I always keep the doors locked and yes ask neigbours to keep tabs on the house, so I agree with you 100%
What a life we live. But I have to say 6 months of no contact and not having that evil cow in my home has been bliss It is hard on my DH, but she hasn't spoken to him since before Christmas and I must say the lack of contact has done him the power of good, he seems much happier the last 7 weeks. Still, it is sad that she has such control over him that she can with one phone call destroy his peace of mind.
Someone said earlier that it is a shame for the father's they do not bring them up this way, and I have to say I disagree totally with that. I think that the fathers make these woman their precious little princesses and spoil them rotten, they never have a bad word to say about these kids, never have, they have always by word or action allowed these kids to think they can do no wrong, they are "special" the world is their oyster and they do not have to do anything to get what they want it will all be handed over. The skills they have learnt from this to help them deal with any stumbling blocks they come up against in the real world, people who won't give them what they want when they want it, are: to lie, cheat, manipulate and bully until you wear your stumbling block down, because you are better than everyone else and your needs wants and desires are all that matter in this world it is all about you. If you spoil your child, if you cover for them, defend them when they are in the wrong, then you are bringing them up to be this way.
My DH did all of this to himself, he is now paying the price. I do not say that with any sense of satisfaction, in fact the opposite, but to be completely honest, I have never been more well or happy since I told that evil woman 6 months ago to never come here again. I am sorry for DH but I do recognise that he was letting his daughter slowly kill me, I was so sick for so long, now I have taken control of my life, I have given him a choice in his to be with his daughter, or to be with me without his daughter as I will not sit around and watch her slowly kill him, and as awful as it sounds, my conscience is clear on this, I KNOW I have done the right thing for both of us, but will accept without question his need to be with his daughter should he choose to do so, but I will never, never again watch her treat him the way she does, and I will, never, never, never, ever again allow her to treat me the way she did. She was brought up this way and I will not pay the price for it again.
Thanks for the advice! And
Thanks for the advice! And yes here in our state I as the wife am guaranteed 1/3 if there is no will BUT my beloved Husband has made a will the Skids {esp. Middle SS} is talking just physically taking everything by violence. I have thanks to many here on this support site found ways to protect myself and Husband. I greatly appreciate your advice. I pray all is well in your blended Family.
My hubby has 2 grown
My hubby has 2 grown children. Both were just plain hateful from day 1. Made up reasons not to like me. Demanded expensive gifts for Christmas and Birthdays - gave us a list. Expected to be taken to the nicest of restaurants and made sure they ordered apps, liquor and desserts along with the meal. Now we can afford it...so I am not saying this to look cheap but if you could see the wasted food, it would make you ashamed. I was not raised like this. Once my husband put his foot down and told them if they could not be nice to me he would cut off communication with them...they started acting somewhat better. However, when we stopped giving the expensive gifts and meals...problem solved. We barely hear from them...They still have a good bit of growing up to do. Cut them off financially and you will see where their true loyalties are....
Dear Emotionally Beat Up, I
Dear Emotionally Beat Up,
I am glad you and your DH are having less stress. I am sorry you too have had to disengage from thr SD BUT I know the great stress that is lifted as after 3 days of no Skid drama it is sooo grand to be at peace in my home. I have gotten suc good advice from fellow step parents going through the same mess that I can see light again. I hope peace and love is restored to you home and harmony to you and your DH lives.
Thank you so much, I have had
Thank you so much, I have had 6 months of bliss and it will never end trust me. Never again will I allow it. I found this site after I had told the evil one to take a hike, but it has helped me immensely. I did it for my sanity, my husband was less than happy, and I felt pretty bad at the measure I had taken, but inside it did feel right. Then one day when I was on the computer and stressing over it at the same time I just typed in in anger I hate my SD - up came this site and now I feel completely normal. I have picked up a very special friend from this site as well. The support from it is amazing. Now I realise as much as I thought I was going mad, it really wasn't me at all. You feel better after 3 days, I wish you 3 million years of peace. They really are hard to take aren't they and life is far to short for all of this.
Dear Emotionally Beat
Thank you so much for the advice and well wishes, And PLEASE know I wish the same 3 Million Years od peace for you too!! I do agree that this page is a sanity saver and amazing, as are the people on it! I am feeling so much better overall that I guess I really had no idea how much this Skids drama and antics had effected my health. I sure hope you are now taking time for you.
Best Wishes and Cares To You and Your Hubby!!
My husband and I are an
My husband and I are an elderly couple. I have RA. My husband has MS and is confined to a hospital bed. I am his sole caregiver. It sounds like a sad situation, but, no, it isn't. We are so happy and so grateful to have each other. We've been married ten years now. I have five adult children from a previous marriage. They love my husband and are happy for us to be so happy together. He has three adult children. They are NOT happy. My husband was divorced and alone for thirteen years before I came into his life. During those thirteen years his children - all three lived nearby - seldom came to see him. We continued to live near his children the first two years we were married, then we moved to another state. I thought our problems would be solved by the distance between us, but I was wrong.
A few months ago, his son forwarded an "innocent" little message from his mother to his dad. It gave the impression they were still a family unit ... mother, father and three children. I was odd man out. I was nothing. Suddenly, I'd had a gut-full and would take no more. First time I'd delivered any kind of ultimatum to my husband. I softened my words but still made my feelings crystal clear. I would never be in the same room with his children again. I would never say another word to them. I was through putting up with their hatefulness. I would not take care of him 24 hours a day ... bathe, feed and help with bathroom needs ... while he adored people who were hostile toward me. That was it. Take it or leave it. He chose me. But, did he really? I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. His children have enormous power. I know they do. When they call, he'll crumple.
He sent a letter to his children stating that if he became sick enough to go to the hospital, he had instructed me to notify his sister only. And if he died, I was to notify his sister only. Not his children. He told them he was forwarding his sister a copy of the letter so that his wishes would be clearly understood. Is that legal? Please, God, don't let him get sick or die. Because I truly do love him, and also because I'm afraid of the nightmare I'd be left to face. Hostile stepchildren. Young, strong, hostile stepchildren. I'm no match for them.
Thank you for listening. Any advice will be appreciated.
Uh oh. So, what I've done is
Uh oh. So, what I've done is intrude on another person's conversation. Please forgive me. I have no idea how to start a new post. I'm 77 years old - a good typist but a complete idiot when it comes to operating and understanding computers. I'll think about this and try to figure out how to behave properly. (smile) Thank you for the advice.
Thanks. You're a good egg.
Thanks. You're a good egg. I'll go try it right now.