Not winning in court, but lies about money.

Once, BM was raging against DH to her XHBF (yep, they divorced but are still living together as BF/GF), and OSS heard her. Whether that wad intentional or not, I don't know. Anyway, the rage was about how DH wasn't giving her enough CS.

OSS asks DH at the next visit why he isn't paying enough CS. DH explains that he has been paying for BM's rent, car insurance, utilities, and cell phone, and once he pays all that (way more than the CS order), he doesn't have enough left over to just give her cash.

OSS, always being a logical child, comprehend this - to the point that the change FIL gave him for his piggy jar was handed over to BM with the statement, "here Mommy, I think you need this more than I do."

Cue BM calling DH to yell at him, to which DH asks if she is done then proceeds to chew her out for discussing finances in front of the kids.

My advice to you and DH? For you, don't try to contact outside Dad's time. Buy a birthday card and gift, and say Happy Birthday the next time you see the kid. Your DH can tell his son Happy Birthday on your behalf. For your DH, stop making small talk about BM. It just gets more awkward at the kids get older and they don't know how to cover for BM's lies anymore (I watch that happen now; DH and I just say never mind, shake our heads, and change the subject).

Additionally, DH can show OSS that he pays child support into the mutual account, and can show when withdrawals are made. He can also have a chat with SS about your househols finances (not accounts, just a general chat) explaining that, out of the roughly $X amount he makes, $Y amount goes towards bills, food, the SSs, etc. Showing SS that you all have bills like BM and that you're not living some "high on the hog" lifestyle while BM wallows in poverty provides a good perspective. Plus, BM already knows your DH's income, so it's not like there will be some secret shared with BM. Your DH can also mention that he works FT and you work FT, which is why you can afford what you have, same with BM.

Basically, take all the bite out of her claims by meeting it head-on. If the kids think DH is swimming in money while BM is broke, show them the truth. Don't talk bad about her. Don't whine about how expensive they are. Just talk about how their needs are budgeted in to your lifestyle. It takes the wind out of BM's "woe is me" sails, and if your OSS is smart, he'll get annoyed with her behavior and merely placate her moods to make things easier.

Like the subject says, there will always be punishments when things don't go her way, whether it's you all "causing" it or not.  Heck, we get punished because BM is unhappy in her life all the time!

And lieutenant dad is right that you have to counter her BS with fact.  "The judge says that Dad needs to pay Mom X amount each month to help support you when you're there."  That's not disparagement, it's just the facts.  And exjuliemccoy is right that it's best to document those moments to prevent claims of alienation.

If you haven't read the book Divorce Poison, it's a good one.  What your BM is doing is alienating behavior.  My guess is that this isn't the first time she's done it, and it won't be the last.

In my experience, these HC people do their worst regardless of what you do, so you might as well defend and protect yourselves.  BM was alienating SD long before DH stood up to her.  Never try to placate a terrorist.

I agree with providing proof of what BM receives.  I also would make a point of giving SS some critical thinking skills.  Ask him why he doesn't give his lunch money to his classmates, why he doesn't do their homework for them, etc.  Ask him if DH should be paying the neighbor's bills.  Would that be fair?  No?  Why?  Because it's not our responsibility to take care of people we don't live with and aren't related to.  And it hurts them too, because they don't get the pleasure and empowerment of having a purpose in life and doing for themselves.  

Now, of course that's not the same because it is DH's responsibility to support a child he made, however, he shouldn't have to pay ALL the bills for that household, because DH is not responsible for supporting BM.  BM is an adult and should be able to take care of herself.  And certainly it is not DH's responsibility to support BM's BF.  

Maybe show him what the incremental cost is of having an extra bedroom.  If a one-bedroom costs $500/month, and a two-bedroom costs $700/month, the incremental cost of housing a child is only $200/month.  And since both parents are responsible, the cost should be $100/month each.  Then show him what a typical food budget and utility budget and clothes budget looks like.  In all likelihood, the total DH pays will be much more than the TOTAL cost of raising a child.  Both shares.

We also played the Wants vs Needs game with SD when she was younger.  Okay, is this a want or a need: Food?  A big TV?  Pets?  A place to live?  Painted nails?  Vacation?  Air?   They start to see that money for wants is being spent before money for needs.  Also, we correct incorrect language.  No, you don't "need" a cookie, you "want" one.  If you don't get a cookie, somehow you will survive.  You don't "have to" see that movie, you "want to" see that movie.

And people have choices.  We never tell GD she is being bad, we tell her when she made a bad choice.  And bad choices have consequences, for everyone, even adults.  And adults have to do things every day that they don't want to do, because that is life.  So if "someone" goes tanning or gets a tattoo, and doesn't have money for the electric bill, that is a bad choice, and that person needs to learn how to make better choices.  Otherwise everyone else, who works hard and makes good choices, ends up paying the consequences of other people's poor choices.  We even went into how we both work hard, and our taxes go to paying the bills for families that had children they couldn't afford, and it makes it harder for us to pay our own bills and do the things we want to do, and that isn't fair.  We shouldn't have to work harder so they don't have to.  And if we keep helping them out of their bad choices, they'll never learn how to live right.

Even when we have won in court... and we have always won... I have always felt like I needed a scalding hot shower after court to get the skeeve off of my body from the process.

That said.. .quit worrying about what might could  possibly get worse and focus on the facts. You won, BM lost, the Judge handed her her own ass.... Now start confronting her crap and the PAS she is slinging with facts. She shows SS-11 her bank statement with $.99 in it... DH shows SS-11 a statement with all of the CS and other financial support he has paid BM... EVERY PENNY!.. and also starts seasoning SS-11 with reviews of the CO... Keeping Skids abreast of the facts in an age appropriative manner is the cornerstone of keeping the toxic opposition under control and a key element of effectively parenting and preparing the Skids to be able to protect themselves from the manipulation of a toxic parent.

This is what we did with SS-25 during the 16+ years we lived under our Custody/Visitation/Support order. The CO and the facts are the best tools for keeping the blended family opposition (in our case that is my SS's SpermClan) pummeled into submission.

Quit worrying about what could go wrong and focus on confronting the inappropriate behaviors.  The possibilities are endless on what what might happen.... focusing on what actually happens and confronting it effectively is a much simpler and much more direct process.

Congratulations on the great court result and good luck.