Fiance does not feel ordered child support from ex is needed.

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My fiance is owed $20000 in child support arrears from her ex. She is the custodial parent of two young girls. Her ex was very difficult during her divorce and the judge ordered him to pay spousal and cs that totals $1900 per month. She does not feel that she needs any support from her ex and that the judge's decision was not what she wanted. My fiance makes $40000 as a translator.

Soon after the divorce her ex quit his job and filed to modify his support which was approved and lowered to $380 for both children. My fiance failed to contact the child support agency and inform them that her ex stopped paying, so the arrears grew.

I convinced her to fight the modification, which she did. Her lawyer filed for discovery and her ex who is representing himself refused to provide documents. The court warned him to provide discovery and he faxed 3 documents out of 30 that were requested on the day of the hearing. The initial hearings were by phone and my fiance did not have to attend.

Here is my issue. The next hearing is in person and she must attend. My fiance is whining every day and states that she can support her children on her own and really does not need support and she dreads going to court in person. I explained that support is for the children and that is the law.

Now at the same time she tells her kids that their family is poor. She thinks that a man should take care of children even if they are not their own and somehow believes that I should not care if her ex is not supporting his kids, simply because some men don't. So she wants us to combine our income, yet she can careless about receiving support.

I know what I have to do, but I just can't wrap my head around her unwillingness to hold her ex accountable while at the same time constantly asking me about my finances. She dreads facing him or negotiating with him. She allowed the arrears to get to 20g in one year. Something just isn't right.

So she thinks YOU should

So she thinks YOU should support her children, but their father shouldn't. lol.

Stick to your guns, it's not your job to support her kids. I would go so far as to have her pay a larger share of bills (for 3 people to your 1) so that it's fair, since they aren't your kids. Or if you choose to help her by paying half of the bills vs. 1/4, she has pay for 100% of her kids' needs on her own.

Frankly, this is a big red flag to me, and I'd consider whether you want to marry her or not.

Please don't marry this woman

Please don't marry this woman without getting this resolved. Although, her mindset is her mindset and she seems to think that the man she's with should support her kids. That may not change, so you have a decision to make.

Three of this, half of that

so - you each have 2 children, yours are older hers are younger. This is relevant - how old are yours and how old are hers? I ask because YOU will be supporting HERS longer than YOURS, at this rate. YOU have a responsibility to support and raise YOURS. And there is college and driving to consider as well as your own living and retirement.

40 k isnt much. And she is not surprisingly throwing out the whole "a man should support children, as well as the mother, even when kids arent his".

1. Why the double-standard? Because she and her kids benefit.

2. Why the pressure to combine finances? Because she and her kids benefit.

3. Why doesnt she pursue the arrears and get support from biofather? Because with YOU doing ALL support, she and her kids STILL benefit.

She sounds very selfish and self-serving to me.

My DH and I keep our finances totally separate. But we help each other a lot too. I dont have bios, but largely now leave him and BM to do all and any support.

Do not marry or impregnate this darling until youve got the financial support details worked out.

She thinks that a man should

She thinks that a man should take care of children even if they are not their own... she wants us to combine our income, yet she can careless about receiving support.

Translation: She expects ANY partner in her life to pay for another man's children because, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to rock the boat.

How financially dependent is she on you? She should be able to afford living in her own place, providing for her children, and paying all of her bills. If she cannot, she needs to pursue the bio dad for Child Support. NOT her fiance.

I am only half joking when I say she can beg on the street. That's as realistic as expecting anyone other than bio dad to pay for another's children. Anything financial a (future) step parent does for stepchildren is a GIFT; not an obligation. If you adopt her children (please don't), they become your financial and legal responsibility.

1. no joint finances for her

1. no joint finances for her... nope.. you are not going to subsidize one dollar of her children's expenses as long as she refuses to hold the actual biological father accountable for his obligation.

2. Again... as you have said. CS is for the child. if she doesn't want his money for her.. put it in a savings account for the children.. they get it at 18.

3. Just because something is hard doesn't mean she should not do it. Yeah.. it will be hard to face her ex... but who would she rather please.. HIM? by letting him off the hook? or her partner you?

She has her own house in her

She has her own house in her name. She pays her own bills. I make about 3x her income. I rent my own place. Have a 16yr old and 18yr old daughter. Oldest has a full ride to college next year. I see them frequently whenever they like. Fiance is pretty generous person and has wealthy family who she can depend on unlike myself. Also a fairly pseudo rich group of friends.

I have known her for some time and am really unpeeling every layer of the onion before we move in together. But her reluctance to expect support yet know about my finances really is eating at me.

She is like "most men don't pay support and it will be costly to take them to court, so I'll take whatever he can give"

The lawyer she has is the best of the best and knows me, so she's well represented. But she still doesn't want to face the little arrogant prick ex. She said she will do it for me. Which is an issue for me.

Double standard

are the words that came to me. As well as Bait and Switch.

That would bother me as well. She has a complete double standard when it comes to YOUR finances vs HERS.

But you say that she is telling you NOW that she will "do it for me". Give a time limit. I still maintain that you will be paying and doing and helping, unless you separate everything possible.

She should be doing it for

She should be doing it for her kids and for the principle of it. Those are his kids, he (not you) should help support them.

"Most men don't pay support", is not correct and, more importantly, not a valid excuse.

It sounds like she is scared

It sounds like she is scared of her ex for some reason and it's easier for her to ask you to step up than it is to face off with him. The thing is that this isn't the only time she will need to face him.

This is what I'm thinking. But there is something else. When ex's father died last summer she said she wasn't going to go because of all the drama, then she calls me and she's at the funeral. That and the fact that she's followed by and follows all of her ex's family, friends, and cousins. I totally detached from all things related to my ex when I divorced.

It cost her 45G to divorce a guy making 90G. He dragged it out. To try to break her.

So why in the hell is she acting like nothing happened. It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

Child support is for the child

From a legal standpoint, your SO is required to accept child support. The law expects BOTH parents to support their children both financially and emotionally. If she thinks she doesn't need the money for their day to day support, put it away for their future. It sounds like there is much more going on here than her "financial independence". Be very careful........marriage now would be another disaster JMHO

So, how does it feel to be……

ENGAGED TO AN IDIOT?

smh

So is your fiancee supporting

So is your fiancee supporting herself and her children or is her wealthy family supporting them? Does she expect YOU to contribute to the support of her kids by combining finances, or is her curiosity about your financial wherewithal related to her wanting to avoid another deadbeat like her ex?

Perhaps you should let her know that you will contribute your fair share to the household (taking into account the number of full time equivalent kids you each have) but will otherwise keep finances separate, and let her know in no uncertain terms that YOU will not support her children. Let her know of any expectations for retirement contributions, etc. She can then make the decision of whether to pursue her ex for CS. If she expects you to support her kids, then break it off if you don't want to do so.

End the engagement.

Tell her it's YOU not her and move on.

Bing bam boom,,,done.

Not marriage material. JMO of course

It's been a while. Fiance's

It's been a while. Fiance's ex has been delaying and stalling and recently hired an attorney. He was representing himself. He just turned over answers to discovery. Incomplete at that. This after close to a year.

He also filed a motion to end spousal support because he claims he has no money. The turd makes exactly the same as my fiance. Since this began, he hasn't missed a child support payment.

There is a mandatory settlement hearing in two weeks. My fiance is freaking out about the legal fees and wants the matter resolved without going to trial, so she proposed to her lawyer that her ex continues to pay child support, pay all past due arrears and she will agree to forgo spousal support for the remaining two years. I told her that when we move in together it would end anyways, so she shouldn't ask for it to be eliminated now.

I have decided to wait to proceed with anything until all this is cleared up and I have a better picture of the situation.

Oh yeah. And postpone the wedding....... indefinately.

smh