What to do when BM keeps bringing up divorce as an excuse for SKs behavior
So we have the ongoing issue of my step-daughters' BM continually bringing up the divorce from my current husband as why her kids act out. The SKs are 5 and 7. We personally believe she (the 5 year old) is acting out because she is unhappy in the school she is in, but BM likes to rub it in my husbands face and basically makes it sound like she only acts out after overnights at our house (her teacher has told my husband this isn't true). She also likes to talk about any issues with my husband in front of the kids, or with them within ear shot. As far as we can tell she tells them that she and my husband don't get along and has told them that she knows it's so rough on them to have to deal with the divorce and gives them an excuse instead of disciplining them for bad behavior.
She acted out today and my husband called and talked to her about the issue. She took this time to complain to him that it's because of the divorce, etc. that she is acting out. She clearly isn't acting with their best interest in mind. I don't know what I can do about this, but I'm kind of sick of my husband being belittled and the kids not being held responsible for their actions.
Oh, I know it's on him. He's
Oh, I know it's on him. He's come to the conclusion that it's not worth saying because she doesn't listen to anything he says. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to emotionally support him. She's always told him that he's a bad father, that he's fat, that everything is his fault. She's done some of this in front of the kids, so she's already PASing them anyway. I stay out of this crap and only talk to her when something is up with the kids and DH isn't around. *sigh* It's like I thought we were all happy, then she turns around and tells him (in front of the youngest) "She had a rough day, I think it's because she knows we don't get along." Well, what tools does that give them for later in life?
I agree with doormat and will
I agree with doormat and will go even further and suggest mom and dad enroll her in counseling.
She told DH she wanted BOTH
She told DH she wanted BOTH in counseling, he wanted to make sure she was doing it for the right reasons. The problem is that they need to realize that they are not victims and are capable of being responsible. They need some coping skills that we're incapable of giving them. She took them once and never took them again. I need her to stop being a turd, that would greatly improve PART of the situation.
If all of the adults in this
If all of the adults in this situation-you, bm and dh-are incapable of giving/teaching coping skills, a good counselor can show them and teach them to your sks. There are bad counselors out there but there are great ones too.
It seems the divorce gets to
It seems the divorce gets to be the excuse for everything... Even several years later, don't be surprised if the story gets spun so the nuclear family are all victims and the evil stepmother is to blame (even if se was no where around when everything fell apart).
I agree, if The child needs to see a therapist, they should but DH and EX wife do not belong in it together. That's why they are divorced. Sounds a bit like a manipulation tactic. =\
Best of luck with this one.
No, I'm sorry - she thinks
No, I'm sorry - she thinks both KIDS need counseling. Not her and DH.
To also touch on it, I'm used to working with kids and have no problem teaching them coping skills. We do our best when they're here. She doesn't really understand that they need those coping skills. I don't want these two girls to grow up thinking they are victims every day.
He left because she told him he was fat, that she wouldn't have sex with him or touch him because of it, because she was demanding and controlling. Which she still thinks she should be, I guess. She blames him, though, because he left. Now she plays the single mom card all the time - at work, to the kids' teachers, to him. I got divorced and have three kids with my ex-h. I was a single mom for awhile, too. That's life. She clearly thinks she's a victim as well, but I'm not much of one for putting up with that. You're an adult, act like one. We have another 13 years until it won't matter.
"I don't want these two girls
"I don't want these two girls to grow up thinking they are victims every day."
I dated a man for two years that had a 7 year old son. His kid was not behaving and pulled the "my parents aren't together" crap.
I put a stop to that right then. I told him "Just because your parents are not together is not an excuse to act up. You are not the only kid in the world whose parents are not together. I'm divorced and you don't see my kids acting up. Tons of kids have parents that are divorced but they don't use that as an excuse to act up."
You're divorced and it sounds like your three kids don't act up.
Remind your SKs that tons of kids have parents that are divorced, but they still have to act right.
Ah yes, playing the "divorce"
Ah yes, playing the "divorce" card. I hated it whenever DH would use that to excuse ss behavior. I would be like, "he's 22, and you and what's-her-face got divorced when he was 5!" Give me a fvcking break! Oh booooo hooooo! Let's all feel sorry for the kid with divorced parents! :sick:
No kidding - what's funny is
No kidding - what's funny is the ex's parents got divorced, my parents got divorced, she and DH got divorced, the only one who DOESN'T/DIDN'T have divorced parents was DH. I'm trying to figure out if she thinks everyone with divorce parents gets special treatment, 'cause if so I want something!
She sent him a YouTube video today about kids with divorced parents. Then said she's willing to do whatever they said in the video if it helps their younger daughter. Uh...how about we just deal with each situation as a learning experience for her instead of tip toeing around and excusing their actions. DH DID email her back and said pretty much that. "We need to stop blaming the divorce for her actions and start holding her accountable or the behavior will continue." Her MO is to usually just ignore whatever he says and do whatever she wants to do. Which is fine for some things, but sometimes you have to think about the other parent's input as well - and she never does. My worse fear is that these girls will end up just like her - an overbearing control freak who thinks that everyone has to jump when she says go. The older one is very introverted and I can't see her acting like that, though. The youngest is what I would call feisty, but she has said some threatening things at school, etc. In general she is NOT a bad kid, but she does need to be held accountable for what she says/does, and we don't think the school or BM are doing that. In October it's only 12 more years! LOL
To borrow my mom's
To borrow my mom's perspective "We all inherit issues from our parents of one form or another. However, at some point those issues become ours to fix ir to not fix."
Though my mom and dad will celebrate their 51st anniversary this year and I have never had to deal with the demise of my parent's marriage I have to agree with my mom on this topic.
My own SS-20 has had to chose to either be like his SpermIdiot or not. To go down the path that the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool would dictate or to be better than that part of his family has managed to be in all of it's preceding generations.
It is looking like he has chosen to deal with those issues and he has taken a different path and a path of much stronger character.
Your SKid needs the same message I think. The Skid's behavior is the skids to suffer the consequences for regardless of what influenced the decision that led to the behavior.
IMHO of course.