Coming undone
I have been married for 3 years I have an adopted daughter age 7 my husband and I have a 2 year old and I have 3 stepdaughters, 11, 19 & 22. I'll start with the issues regarding the 11 year old. Her mom is the best friend not a parent doesn't say no nor does she set rules, my sd is also extremely overweight 170 pounds with a thyroid issue that she uses for an excuse and a crutch. Her mom tells her she does not have to listen to her dad as he is nothing, that he has no rights and can do what she wants. All of his kids have told him "your nothing but a paycheck" recently she has stated she doesn't want to come around because she and I have a horrible relationship and that all I do is pick on her. (Not true). However I have rules in my house like we wear pajamas to bed and get out of our dirty day cloths, that we shower more than 1x per week and that we clean up after ourselves, i am not the maid.. These are rules that are continuously broken.. I also do no think that an 11 year old should have a pass coded iPhone, be on said phone all day everyday just lounging doing nothing on social media and be making calls and text messages at all hours of the day and night... Her mother says we do not need the passwords and that it's an invasion of her privacy, I m sorry but an 11 year old does not get privacy lake that.. I have brought all this up to dh and all I get is that we need to address these thing. Very slowly and 1 at a time otherwise she will not come around anymore. (CO is every weekend - mother gives her discretion even though court said NO discretion and follow visitation). My opinion is ok then I see you when I see you, I have other children to think about and the last thing I need is this bad stuff with NO correction going on and them thinking this is acceptable behavior.. I love my dh but this issue is tearing us apart, something's got to give, I am truly starting to hate his daughter and what it's doing to my family! Any words of advise or encouragement is most appreciated..
What does DH say / do? Does
What does DH say / do? Does he back you up or does he become a spineless jellyfish as is most common?
All he says is "yes things
All he says is "yes things need to change but it won't happen overnight" but does not state what he is going to do to change it... I know he's scared to loose contact with her as he did with his other 2 and the BM condones her behavior. He feels guilty for the divorce..
I'm in the same boat, and
I'm in the same boat, and it's affecting my marriage, too. My DH is the same, saying "Yeah, we need to deal with this," but then nothing happens. I think he feels WAY too guilty about the divorce (though BM left HIM), and he's so afraid that if he ever tries to correct the skids, they'll hate him forever. Or something like that.
He hates confrontation anyway, so that makes it even more unlikely that he's ever going to put his foot down when it comes to his kids' misbehaving and acting like spoiled little shits.
I hate having to share my home every other week with three entitled, whiny monsters who expect every adult in their presence to bow and scrape and serve their every need. I disengaged almost immediately after DH and I got married and I moved in with him with my own two kids. It's just more than I'm willing to take on. The 7-year-old can't even tie his own damn shoes, and refuses to even TRY! He'll just walk up to the nearest adult and say "Tie these." I just turn and walk away. DH gets mad at me because I won't "help him," but my GOD! He's SEVEN!
DH makes excuses for his kids' behavior all the time, saying they can't help the way they act because "they're just little kids." Little kids! Good Lord, they're 9 (almost 10), 8, and 7!
I resent these kids and DH's slack attitude toward them more and more every day, and I honestly don't know how much more of it I can take before I have to decide if I even want to stay married anymore or not. DH knows this, yet he still seems to be unwilling to be more firm with his kids.
It's depressing, and I hate it.
I have four children in my
I have four children in my house as well, all with iphones. The children know they are not allowed on the phones after bedtime. They all have password set, however that is so that the other children can not get into their phones. I know all passwords & do random phone checks. More often than not there has been nothing for me or my mr to worry about on the phones. I believe in all things there should be a balance. The more we see we can trust them to follow the rules the more freedom they are allowed. If we find something of concern that means they need less freedom, until they earn our trust back. As far as you are concerned you need to decide how involved you want to be as SM. For me, when I first stepped into the role, I was 100% involved...this lead to my Mr & BM not doing their part, something I am slowly having to backup on. My advice to you is pick one thing that bothers you the most, decide how you would like it resolved, then discuss it with your Mr and come up with a plan to work on that one thing for the time being. Once that is resolved, move on to the next issue at hand. Hope this helps you hold it together.