Well.. BM just handed over her kids (again)

Forums:

After keeping all of us in limbo for almost a month.. BM did the expected and gave her kids to us for the 2nd time in 5 years.

I have mixed feelings about this.

On one hand, I am relieved and happy. Happy to not have to deal with her drama and BS every other week. Happy that the kids will have consistent parenting and stability.

On the other hand, I want to pack my bags and get out of dodge. First of all, the emotional damage this woman has done to these kids with regards to making them hate my guts scares the hell out of me (plus the added factor that they hate me just for who I am). Second of all, financially this is going to kick our asses unless she pays support (which DH is going after, but it takes time). Third, in order for my sanity to remain intact, there is going to have to be some form of a coming to jesus meeting with these kids regarding how they treat me and my daughter. I can barely deal with them acting like they would rather we drop off the face of the earth attitude every other week as it is.. living with that full time will be hell.

So here I am.. I love DH dearly and I want to be open and honest with him about how the thought of living with these kids full time scares the hell out of me. How I need him to work with me to put an end to some of the things that make me want to leave this situation. For example - his kids talk back (and no, not some of the time - all the time, on everything), they think they have the right to argue with you to the point where they yell and throw fits, they have to have the last word (you tell them no, and that's your final answer and they just have to say something shitty like "that's dumb"), they negotiate (or try to) everything - take them to get ice cream and say "only two scoops".. they bitch and want 3(for gods sake, its 25.00 to go get ice cream for the family) or "bedtime is 10:30".. more bitching and trying to get more.. go to the movie and get candy at the store because it's cheaper.. "no, I want the jumbo size, not the one on sale where we get 3 for 4.00".. It's like this every day. It's exhausting.

DH knows they are a pain in the ass too.. but, they don't annoy him as much.. I get that. They are his kids and we always fail to see things as flaws in our own children to the degree others do. How do you stress to him that, "hey, I can't live like this full time and please don't be offended and defensive, but we need to make some MAJOR changes around here with regards to your kids or I will hit the road"....?

Maybe I would be more tolerant if these were my own flesh and blood, but they aren't.. I don't have that unconditional, wipe your butt, clean up your puke, do anything and everything for you bond I have with my daughter.. Maybe I could (someday).. if they didn't treat me like "something they just have to put up with" or had some appreciation for the things or even a little warmth towards me and my daughter..

Ugh.. I just want to run away for a couple days and think about this..

Yup. I already have been

Yup. I already have been doing this for years.. sometimes it helps.

We agree they need help - we

We agree they need help - we all need help.

I feel for you. Its fight or

I feel for you. Its fight or flight. So I'm going to give the only advice I know. Make a list of the top 2 things that bother you about the kids. example.

1. talking back-every time one of them talks back put their nose in the corner start at 5 mins and added to the time each time you have to do it again. If their real little you may do just a 5 min time out.
2. bed time- is at 9pm. When you start inforcing a bedtime you need to have super and baths, sporting events etc. Planned into time frame I would allow 15 min. for each kid. That way their not dragging out getting ready for bed. I would start with the youngest and they get baths first ect. In order to have them all in bed by 9pm you should start bathing at 8pm.

If you enforce these 2 rules consistently. That is the key word here. So make sure DH is on board and backing you up. You will see a difference in about 2 months. It will not happen over night. Don't try to enforce to much at one time they will have a harder time adjusting. Keep in mind this is a big change. It took me and DH about 3 years to undo 4 years on BM letting ss run wild. When we first started we were not consistent and DH was not on board because he felt sorry for ss. Now that we are on the same page things run better. But it does take time. Try over looking the little petty stuff and pick out what really bothers you most and work on that. Also eating out or going to town to get ice cream should be a treat. So limit how much this is happening. Let it be known that everyone has to be on good behavior all week before any treats take place on the weekend. If one of them does extra good make a point to tell them. All kids like to be praise for good work. Not only will you save money but they will be learening to be respect and learen that bad behavoir is not rewarded.

If you have one kid that is doing really good and the others aren't start rewarding them by their self. Sometimes knowing sister got to go to town for ice cream because she was going and you didn't because you talked back all week will make them want to try hard.

I also read somewhere that when kids try to talk back that the parent should turn around and just walk off. The point is to stop it before it gets to back and forth.

Good Luck