Weekend double standards?
FDH and I discussed this a couple weeks ago and I haven't brought it up again. It's still bothering me...
At the beginning of the month we had our anniversary. I had planned for weeks in advance to have all our kids (my bio kids and SDs) with babysitters for ONE day that happened to fall on the weekend so we could spend some time together without kids. We have SDs every single weekend, and my bio kids' father is out of the picture so they're usually with us 7 days a week. He was fine with it until he asked his mother to babysit the girls (I had another sitter lined up for them but he wanted to them to stay with his mom for some reason) and she made some comment or something about him not spending time with them. She doesn't like me-she told him she doesn't like me-and always sides with BM for some reason.
So our anniversary was horrible because he felt guilty all day about not spending time with them and after we got home from dinner he asked me if I would mind if he went to see them for a while...leaving me home on our anniversary. This really upset me. We have the kids every single weekend with no break. I thought he could go one day without seeing them, but it made me feel like crap.
We got into a fight about it the following weekend when I was left at home on Mother's Day while he took SD shopping for her birthday (after we'd already thrown her a big party the day before-on her actual birthday.) It ended with him telling me not to expect to make plans or dates with him on weekends-ever-because it cuts into time with him and the kids.
In my opinion that's ridiculous on its own but what really pisses me off is that the BM comes to pick them up on weekends (his only time with them remember?) ALL the time for birthday parties, baby showers, visiting relatives, taking them out for ice cream, etc. He always says yes, he never fights her on it, he works around her schedule, he never seems bothered by it. How can he be bothered by me occasionally wanting to go out on a weekend day but not this? It really bothers me.
I don't see us breaking up over this or anything, but I'm not exactly in a big hurry to get married anymore if you know what I mean. He's come a long way since we lived together setting up boundaries between him and BM, etc but I don't think I'm ready to give up going out on weekends forever (unless of course BM wants them on a weekend night..then maybe we'll get to go somewhere!) He basically accused me of coming between him and his kids and that isn't true at all. I love his kids and they're not the problem...their BM and his guilt driven behavior is the problem.
I think you are dating my SO!
I think you are dating my SO!
"It ended with him telling me not to expect to make plans or dates with him on weekends-ever-because it cuts into time with him and the kids."
"He basically accused me of coming between him and his kids"
"his guilt driven behavior is the problem"
Just like my SO! And, yes, you are right to feel offended and hurt. Sometimes I ask myself (and him) when these things happen, if he would treat me like that when we were first together. no way. He would move heaven and earth then. Now, they have suddenly become the priority? You will probably find that your FDH himself is happy to be away from his kids sometimes at the weekends but he can't stand them snitching him to BM or can't stand dealing with the guilt that other people will make him feel. Very weak, if you don't mind me saying so. Nobody likes being with their kids THAT much that they don't appreciate a little break. How much time do most moms get with their kids? They are in school all day and some of us work! I'm lucky if I get a single hour in a day to dedicate 100% to my kids. And even then, I do like a break some weekends!
Love to hear more about your BM boundary issues and how you have managed to "come a long way". I've got a "long way" to go, so your tips would be most welcome.
x
It's absolutely true of him
It's absolutely true of him too that everything will be fine until someone (almost always BM or his mom) says or does something that makes him feel guilty and then he's in a bad mood and blames it on me (or in this case he did.) There's been a few instances in the past where BM made him feel guilty (and believe me she knows EXACTLY what to say to push his guilty daddy button) and he turned things around on me, tried to make me out to be "evil stepmom" coming between him and the girls. I try not to let it get to me and always point out that his anger is misguided. I've been the one supporting him, looking after the kids so his mom doesn't have to and encouraging him to get more time with them. Like I said, I love his kids. When I met them I knew I could be with him forever because they're wonderful girls and I wanted them in my life as well as him.
Anyway I digress,
As far as setting up boundaries, when I first moved in with him BM was calling him or having SD4 call him at all hours of the night to go pick her (SD) up. I quickly put an end to that, even though it wasn't easy. We went through a rough patch for about a month or so with lots of fighting and he would ignore me and cling to the kids when they were here, essentially hiding behind them. We ended up having a big, long talk and I set some ground rules (literally wrote down rules on a piece of paper) of how things needed to go if he wanted to stay in the relationship...Nothing big or crazy but rules like "I get the first kiss and hug when you come home from work. Kids second" and "If we're fighting you need to talk to me until we work it out before you play with the kids or take them somewhere." I also made a rule (for his kids AND mine) no more kids allowed in our bedroom without permission. The first few months we lived together I can't count the number of times we'd be having a serious discussion and SD4 would come into our room and sit in his lap. I also made a rule that bedtime is bedtime (again applies to my kids as well as his) because for a while after we would put the kids to bed on weekends SD4 would get up several times to check on us and I felt our only alone time was being invaded.
Also after some nasty comments BM made about me to FDH she is no longer allowed in our house. If she comes to pick up the girls he has to take them outside to her car or if he isn't home, have her pick them up from his mom's house. I refuse to see her, deal with her drama and I shouldn't have to. Especially since I'm pregnant. The way I see it, SHE is not part of THIS family.
I guess I'm lucky that he really does value our relationship a lot because he's made a LOT of adjustments for me, but I don't think I've asked for anything unreasonable. I don't think I'm being unreasonable about weekend dates either...not that I want to have them EVERY weekend, but once every month or so?
When I first started dating
When I first started dating DH, things were like this. Our "dates" consisted of lunch during work hours or once in a while dinner during the week (I would have a sitter for my kids). He had (and still has) his kids every weekend and wouldn't DREAM of sacrificing a Saturday or Sunday. Funny though, when he did have his kids, they pretty much ignored him in favor of sitting in front of the computer for 20 hrs a day...
I remember the FIRST time I asked him if we could go do something on a Saturday night, just the two of us. OMG, you'd think I asked him to surrender his parental rights!! It's a wonder our relationship didn't end right there on the spot.
Apparently he told his stepmom (!!) about the conversation because he was sooooo insulted at my suggestion. She told him flat out that ADULTS in a relationship need time alone together. Not every minute spent together needs to be accompanied with a herd of kids. He had no problem asking me to get a sitter for my kids so we could go out to dinner on a Wednesday night... so why was me asking him to spent a Saturday night with him so horrible? She even offered to keep both his kids AND my kids in order to facilitate a date night once in a while.
Funny (not really) that it took someone outside of our relationship to validate my feelings for him to notice.
Firstly I'd say avoid asking the MIL ever again to watch the kids since obviously she uses it as a weapon of guilt.
Secondly, if I were you, I'd get a sitter for your kids and go out doing something (without FDH) on the weekend every once in a while just to prove a point. I know it's difficult, and you want to go out with your FDH, but sounds like that's just not going to happen.
~OR~
Realize that things aren't going to change and he will always place his kids in front of you and your wants/needs/desires.
p.s. that would truly piss me off about the Mother's Day thing....
Well, every weekend parenting
Well, every weekend parenting indicates that they live close enough for that to be easy. So there should be some sort of schoolwork over the weekend. Is Dad helping with that?
He's putting the kids higher
He's putting the kids higher on the priority list than you. He's telling you loud and clear that htey outrank you.
I personally wouldn't stick around for that. You are not competing .. you're asking for a fair share of free down time with him. Despite what he thinks, you're not asking him to choose .. you're asking for a good balance for the both of you.
I wouldn't tolerate being with a man who can't think logically and rationally, and treat me as his equal. It's such a turn off to see a man completely lose his spine to children and ex-wives.
Well if you think he's worth
Well if you think he's worth it just plan to have zero life with him on weekends.
Find some new friends or reconnect with old friends. Go out and have fun on the weekends. Take your children places. Do things with them. Pretend that you are not in a relationship when the weekend hits.
He has made it crystal clear that he wants to spend time with his children. dot. period. You are not an important part of his weekends - unless it is just to cook and play maid servant to him and the kids.
I would call bullshit and go make a better life, but it is not my decison to make.
If you truly think you cannot live without him then you must learn to live as being a second best servant on the weekends.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. He has been very direct with telling you that you might as well get lost on the weekends. So learn to live with it or leave.
You cannot make him change. It would be nice if he cared enough about you to want to consider your feelings sometimes but face it he doesn't.