UPDATE: Ex-Fiance Finally Realizes How Destructive His Kid is Now that I've Left - Guess His CPS Call Wasn't Enough
I left my fiance during the summer over his son's lies and behavior. We've remained in touch, though we are no longer engaged. He's shared with me that his son has begun tattling on him to the CPS social worker who is now apart of their lives, thanks to the false child abuse charge his son lied to the police to secure. The social worker visits weekly. The court decided to dismiss the child abuse charge but felt the kid needed ongoing therapy. According to my ex he's yelled and thrown things during therapy, lied to teachers and told them he isn't fed at home and just generally continued to be a tyrant.
He's started seeing his BM but being the winner that she is, she recently married a man who stands accused of raping her teenaged daughter (who's been removed from the home), so my ex will not be able to hand his son over to her. She is essentially a babysitter with supervision and of course my ex's son LOVES being at her house because he's allowed to do whatever he wants over there. The only issues is that they don't have any food. I figure since the kid lies about not being fed he should spend more time over there, so that his fantasy becomes reality and his ribs begin to touch.
My ex cannot discipline him and is basically at the mercy of this kid. I told him I am so happy I am not stuck with that kid because he's now 11 and the social worker says his behavior will only get worse.
My issue is that even though I'm out of there I truly detest his son. Things were great until he started running away, stealing and lying. He reported to the social worker with glee that he is happy to have his dad to himself, while my ex phones me nearly every day telling me how wrong his was about his son and how much he really needs me back.
My ex has no babysitters because no one wants to risk being falsely reported to the police.
I loathe that kid.
Why stay in contact and
Why stay in contact and torture yourself?
You loathe the kid and left. Now it's time to break up.
I understand you loved that
I understand you loved that man, probably still do. But before you allow him to weaknen your resolve that this relationship cannot work, remember this. The child is only 11, he may go here and there for small chunks of time, but ultimatley, he is going no where. This child is your ex fiance's son, he will always be in his life,as he gets older guaranteed his behaviour will get worse, and you are better off staying far, far away from this and the phone.
Your ex fiance is still being selfish. He is phoning you to tell you all about his troubles, about how he is struggling, about how difficult his son is. Well, what does he want, you living back there so he can take it out on you. You to go back and "help" him with the mess he made. A mess he clearly still has no control over.
Next time he calls tell him to go to parenting classes and for him to take his son and go to family counselling together. You are not his therapist, he is once again the only one getting something out of the relationship. He wants you back all right, you I suspect know it. But he wants you back for all the wrong reasons. He wants you back to make things better and easier for him. Sorry, but he should be working on making things better and easier for you after all the trouble he caused you
Instead of ringing up complaining about his son. He should be ringing up telling you all the positive steps he has made in helping his son and in controlling his behaviour.
Reading between the lines..............Nothing, has changed, the reasons you left, are all still there.
It's hard, it's horrible and
It's hard, it's horrible and I really feel for you. We had an incident where DH was actually arrested! SD was put on a time out at the back door and she kicked and screamed and was about to break the glass in the doors so DH went to her. She injured her own self, yanked hair out and scratched her face and arms in temper and called 911. It was THE ONE rookie in our district who had never had dealings with SD before (all the rest would have arrested her) and he believed her and took DH away. I stood out in the street until SD's older sister came to get her. No way was I going to be alone in the house with a crazed 13 year old and end up alonside DH...someone had to bail him out!
We got a court date, talked to the DA and she said 'Go home and pick up the minutes in the morning.' Like I said, only that rookie officer believed SD's story...he now knows better!
I love them all very much, DH, SD, her twin brother and their half siblings. I do not blame you for calling it off with your fiance. It has to happen that he learns exactly what the boy is capable of and how to deal with it all in a positive way. I used to get soooooo frustrated by DH trying to 'cover' for them, it's a natural thing to want to do though...I get that. I have been married to DH for nearly 8 years now, with him for nearly 9, and it's a hard road to travel when there are bad assed kids involved. I can only hold DH and BM partly responsible for how the kids are, beyond that it's on the SKids to make their choices and live with their consequences.
I am more old school style with parenting, DH is more liberal so I decided to butt out of the parenting, disengaging they call it.
Personally I did not want to throw away a perfectly good marraige just because bad assed kids cannot behave themselves. Parenting style was the only thing we disagreed on, his kids, his problem, and once we established that then things improved.
I would not be a babysitter though...BM tried that with me and I told her to come collect her brats! They could not behave, at all, not dealing with them! I do have a certain amount of sympathy for them, since they inherited the crazy gene from their mother but we all have choices and, no matter how hard I am tempted, I will not dignify their bullshit.
I wish you luck with your decisions, like I said, I know it's difficult. Personally, I signed the dotted line and I am in this for better or for worse etc. and it's really not all bad, the only time the shit hits the fan is when BM pokes her ugly nose in...we ignore her but the SKids are still learning.
Wow. Our situations are very
Wow. Our situations are very similar. SD9 lives with me, as her father (unfortunately) has full physical custody. BM and SO have been split up for over 5 years and me and SO have been together for almost 4 years. She is still not "over" him and is quite obsessed with him and obsessed with trying to get her daughter removed from our home. She has a live in boyfriend who has threatened to bash my SD's head off the wall. His own kids were removed from the home. His son (5) was found with bruises, welts, and lacerations. He head butted the kid because he wouldn't settle into his booster seat. The CPS report said something about corporal punishment as well. They have no food in their house yet BM claims that WE starve her daughter (because SD tells BM that she doesn't get enough food. SD eats more than the 5 of us combined. And I often go without dinner so she can eat 4/5 helpings of everything. She's a glutton PIG). BM has moved 4 or 5 times in the last year because she doesn't pay her bills. BM recently promised SD that if she lies and says that my bio son touched her "bad spot" then SD will get to come live with her. So, SD lied. SD is allowed to do whatever she wants at BM. And if SD doesn't get to do whatever she wants at our home, BM throws a tantrum. BM is too lazy to give SD her prescribed asthma/asthma maintenance meds. SD constantly lies to BM about our home. SD told BM that I made her wear a shirt that came directly out of the washer. She told BM that I do not allow her to watch TV. She also told BM that me and SO call her a stupid r*** (I hate the R-word). We do not call her those names, SD calls MY kids those names.
HE made his bed (not the kid)
HE made his bed (not the kid) and now he needs to lie in it. "Oh, boohoo, no one will babysit"... a brat isn't created in a vacum. I agree w/ OPs, don't let him use you as his crying towel. Tell him you're not a counselor, and to get some professional help.
bd threatened me when she was
bd threatened me when she was 12 or 13 that if i spanked her, she would call CPS on me. i told her i will beat her ass and call them myself. i explained to her that calling CPS does not mean she gets to go live with gramma where she runs the show and gets away with everything. i told her she will go live with strangers that CPS chooses for her and she will be going to a different school, and may have to move several times with different families. she shut her trap pretty quick after that!
As StickAFork said earlier
As StickAFork said earlier why are you torturing yourself? The kid is with Daddy to stay and you'd be the fool to go back so get on with your life. Block his phone, email and any social sites you belong to like Facebook.
You've already broken up so all he deserves is a quick and short email explaining that you're moving on and you're sorry but you'll have to stop communicating with him. Don't wait for an answer. Call your cell phone provider if you need help blocking his number.
By dragging this out you're actually keeping him from moving on also. If for some un-Godly reason you moved back things would just go back the way they were before because your move would be a signal to him that YOU're the one who made the mistake.
Get on with your life woman - you cannot save anyone in this situation.