Trying to stay afloat
Where do I even begin. I apologize now because this will be long-winded...
I have a wonderful fiance and he has a lively 5 year old girl, C.
My fiance and the BM have a ridiculous custody agreement. And my fiance is taking her back to court to have more time with the child, if not try to go for full custody. While I have expressed that I support my fiance, he doesn't ask me how I feel about it.
Backstory: The child's mother is a good mother, however she's young, irresponsible, and immature. The child gets no discipline other than our house, and when she's not with us, she lives between 3 other households. So I understand her acting out, and her attitude sometimes.
So I have several issues...
We currently have C every other weekend, and during those weekends, its a constant struggle for me, and by Sunday night I am counting down the seconds until she goes to her mothers. C ignores me and I don't even exist, my authority is non-existent, she admits that's she is mean on purpose, she doesn't like to have daddy out of her sight for 5 minutes, she's just a brat... At the end of every weekend, my fiance comes back from dropping her off and asks me if I even like C. (Loaded Question!) I'm still adapting to the whole "i'm gonna be a step-mom!" thing.
(Previous to this relationship, I never even wanted children, but I fell in love and now I consider it in the future.)
#1: My fiance expects C and I to have bonded and to be best buds by now. (Its a little over a year since meeting her)
#2: We will now be going from part-time parents to a more-so full time parent house-hold. How do I keep sane?
#3: I work for a non-profit 24/7 operation pretty much, and I opted to work to avoid to be home with C, to avoid the whines and being ignored anyways. I feel bad about it, but its one of my "getaways"
#4: I constantly feel like a 3rd wheel, and I've voiced this to my fiance more than once, every time we are coming home from being out, C yells "hurry daddy, lets lock K out!"- I know its all just a fun game, but it's hurtful to me.
#5: Should I be an authority or a friend? I've read that I should lean more on the authority side rather than friends, because then I would never be viewed as a head of the house alongside with daddy.
This is just the tip of the iceberg and there's an iceberg right ahead... I'm trying to keep my head above water, just sometimes - I dip below the surface... Any advice is welcome... I just want to be a good step-mother, I fear being the wicked stepmother and I'm sure that sometimes is how C views me. And I know that just comes with the territory!
Good luck. We're all still
Good luck. We're all still figuring it out.
Never forget that you're the adult. C is a little girl and a daddy's girl to boot from the sounds of it. Expect her to be spoiled on some things, oblivious to others, and a pain in the ass in general. That doesn't mean that she's a bad person or child, just that you should expect a lot of challenges. Remember that you're the adult in the situation. Be consistent with her, and it will get easier, if never truly easy.
Before you get married, you definitely need to have some long talks with your fiance about parenting, what he wants from you as a stepmother, and maybe most importantly, how he is going to support you as a parent. You should fully admit to your frustrations with C, and ask him for help working through it. If you don't, then he'll continue to have blinders on regarding how bratty his daughter can be. We bio-parents love our kids, and we don't want to see the "evil" in them. But an honest and courageous discussion about the situation can work wonders. If you need some help being brave, don't be afraid to talk to a counselor. If you're religious, talk to your priest/minister/coven leader/whatever... They can give some good advice that goes along with your own moral views. YMMV
Thank you for your reply!
Thank you for your reply!
My fiance is the one who brought up that C is a brat. He saw her brattiness while she was playing. We sum it up to being an only child and being treated like a complete baby in her grandparents homes (where she resides occasionally)- He admits that she has him wrapped around her finger and he we've discussed in most cases how I feel. (I left out that I'd rather work today rather than spend it with her)
He tries his best and I see it and think he's a wonderful father. We've made it clear to C that I am to be listened to, but then he forgets about that and gets mad at me for it and thinks that I don't like her.
Yes, I think she is a spoiled brat. She's what we've called a "mean girl" and she knows it and has admitted to doing things intentionally because she wanted to be mean.
Yes, sometimes I wish my fiance didn't have a child
Yes, in some ways she's made it so I didn't want to have any more children
Yes, she annoys me
but ultimately, I do like her - i just don't really unconditionally love her (yet)
I don't want her to be living with us any more than she already is, but my fiance does and in the end discipline wise, I'm hoping that her having a steady living situation that it makes more of an impact than current - and I love my fiance and want him happy, therefore I go with the flow.
He doesn't understand how hard it is for me, and that's one of the more difficult things too. He says "I'm sure that being the step mom isn't always fun" I just wish he could feel what I have to go through.
Just wait until she's 14.
Just wait until she's 14. That's when the real spoiled brat comes out and the gross flirtation with dad.
A steady rhythm is vital for
A steady rhythm is vital for kids, and once it's firmly established, a lot of "brattiness" goes away. In the meantime, expect your buttons to be pushed from time to time. Keep talking about it, and the work will be worth it.
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
FDH's expectations of you are incredibly unreasonable. I fully believe that he doesn't THINK they are but they definitely are. If you read the article I've referenced above, you'll see why. While I realize that disengaging is not for everyone, I do advocate for it because it LITERALLY saved my marriage. I was ready to bail after 6 months of being married because I just couldn't put up the happy face anymore to everyone around me. I didn't like ss10. I didn't like pretending I did. I didn't like who I was when I was around him and he lives with us full time so it's a BIG adjustment.
A word of caution though for you, if you choose not to disengage at this point and you attempt to reel sd5 in, it will get worse before it gets better. In all honesty, a 5 year old is going to be easier (IMO) than an older child. I was just like you when I came into my relationship. I wanted to be super-step-mom. But my personality and upringing was such that tough-love was the way to go so I was hard on ss10 at times in the beginning. He was disrespectful, entitled, spoiled, no structure, no chores, etc. I'll admit that it got bad. Real bad. ss10 had tantrums, talked back, slammed doors, talked about how much he hated me, etc. HOWEVER, I could NOT be happier now. SS10 respects the CRAP out of me, does chores, keeps his room clean, does his own laundry, has awesome grades in school, etc. I kept steadfast in my position at the time (loving disciplinarian) and it worked! It worked so well in fact that my position now is being almost completely disengaged. I feel as though I helped get him to be the "child I wanted him to be" and then let DH take over to keep him on that path.
It might sound selfish but how are you supposed to live with a child (if even a few days a week) who walks all over you, is disrespectful, mean, hurtful, heartless, etc..? Good luck, we're here when you need us!