Tips on Disengaging
I have been attemting to disengage and have had some succes but I do have a couple questions:
1) Now that I am disengaging GF has accused me of not paying attention to her BS14 and BD10. She says I don't love them like she does and that I should. Mind you these kids RARELY acknowledge my presence, it's only when they want something. How do I address this with GF? Her kids live with us full time.
2) Her kids are absolute slobs. We have lived together for two years and I feel like I am stuck in the movie Groundhog day. I have to tell them everyday, pick up your shoes, put your plates and cups away after eating, turn the lights off, close the kitchen drawers and cabinets after taking things out, don't leave your backpacks in the middle of the hall and yes I even have to tell them to flush the toilet! This is the hardest thing for me to deal with and to try and disengage. I feel like since I live here too I shouldn't have to live in a pig sty. Should I start asking GF to tell her kids to pick their things up? Or should I try to ignore the mess altogether? She only says something when I start asking them to clean up after themselves. But I am soooo tired of asking them the same things everyday...
My DH didn't like my
My DH didn't like my disengagement at first, either, and explaining the process to him did seem to help, but he's still not happy about it.
I think I'll try asking him if he loves the kid next door as much as his own, and if not, why not? You SHOULD, DH! Because I SAID SO!
We can't choose our partner's kids, and whether or not we love (or even like) them is totally left up to chance.
OP, my skids are like your GF's kids - sloppy, rude, lazy, and they ignore me completely unless they want something from me. I can't love them. Most of the time I can't even LIKE them.
I've tried explaining this to my DH as thoroughly and plainly as possible. I tried being delicate about it to try to spare his feelings, but he just wasn't getting it, so I had to just lay it all out there. "They're rude, lazy, messy, disrespectful, and selfish, so no, I DON'T love your kids. I'm disengaged. I'm civil to them when they're civil to me, and when they're hateful toward me, I just ignore them and pretend they're not there. I know you love them, DH, just as I love my own kids, but you can't make me love your kids. I'm sorry. I just don't."
If nothing else, it stopped him from constantly blurting out "You don't love my kids!"
He wouldn't love them either if they weren't his own. There's just nothing there to love, honestly. He and BM raised them to be entitled little princes (all three of them), and now they can live with the hellish nightmare that they've created. I'm staying the hell out of it.
But OP, you're in a better position. You're not married yet. As Echo said, you can leave. I could leave, too, but it'd be a hell of a lot messier with the divorce and everything. I don't want to leave anyway. When the skids aren't there, we have a great time together, and we really do love each other. Our relationship is seriously strained every other week when they're there, though.
Just remember - you don't HAVE to stay. If it gets too bad, you can always walk away.
AMEN!!!!!
AMEN!!!!!