hello!

new to this, so bear with me. I have a pre-adolescent SS, so I know some of the things I’m experiencing are developmentally appropriate. I’m looking for guidance on how to approach some things.

DH and I have been together for a few years, at this point. I met his SS about 6 months into our relationship (which seemed like a decent amount of time for us to figure out if our relationship was going to be serious enough to introduce a kiddo, considering the toxicity of his previous relationships). He was completely respectful of boundaries and expectations in the home (clean up after yourself, shower, wear clothing around the house, etc.). He has several other younger siblings in BM’s home, which he ends up caring for most of the time (if they’re not being babysat by the TV). I have no children and do not plan on having any of my own. My DH does not want any more, either. BM wants no responsibility for SS, but just wants to collect CS from DH (which she has made evident by telling SS “DH’s rich white GF will buy it”). Very close to the time that comment was said, SS’ hygiene went downhill and would constantly come to our home smelling like mold and smoke in clothing that was two sizes too small or completely torn apart. He ended up showing up to our house one day with a winter coat that was shredded to pieces in the middle of a very cold winter. About a month after that, all of us took my niece bowling for her birthday (same age as SS). Throughout that event, all SS wanted to do was sit on my lap (which had NEVER been allowed, as he was past an appropriate age for that to be acceptable in my eyes—he was 10 at that point). We played some arcade games while we were there, and when I said we were done because I was out of cash, he immediately rolled his eyes at me. Because I do not feel financially obligated to support him and because of his ungrateful demeanor (there have been a few more incidents where he becomes disrespectful and ungrateful if I say no surrounding things that involve money), I do not spend any money on him. This previously caused an issue between DH and I, but after DH saw how disrespectful SS was toward me on Christmas for buying him clothing he absolutely needed instead of a new gaming systen, DH backed off. Last summer, we had a sudden move a few hundred miles away for a highly competitive and elite job I had been in the process of getting for several years. SS did not come to where we were and sending my DH back to see SS was not an option (I told DH if he was coming with me on the move, SS was not going to come down and see us during my training period, as it was intensive and I did not want to get stuck babysitting when I should have been training). Yes, this affected them both, however, I gave DH the option to stay with his son (it was a short term job placement—definitely not an ultimatum to our relationship). We ended up moving back, due to some unforeseen circumstances. After we moved back, things just did not go as smoothly as they did before. 

Here are my concerns that I am looking for some guidance on —these are behaviors that I have not experienced before and are new to him:

SS has no situational awareness for anything inside or outside the home. Is this a developmental thing for a pre-adolescent male? 

SS treats me like a maid. He will intentionally leave his garbage out, toys everywhere, clothing all over the place, and will expect me to pick it up (I refuse to and redirect, but even with redirection and teaching, it continues).

SS chooses not to read or engage in some type of educational inclusion, which is very concerning to me, as he is struggling to read words that young elementary school kids read fluently. He does have access to various different educational resources, but chooses not to engage. He would much rather spend time playing video games (which I am not fond of, because he does not have the emotional regulation skills to differentiate between reality and fantasy).

SS refuses any help or education from DH sand myself on how to build skills to begin transitioning into his teenage years  .

the biggest concern I have, out of all of this, is SS’ lack of boundaries with me. DH and I have our own bathroom (that was a requirement from me when we were shopping for a residence, because I truthfully did not want to share a bathroom with a child that struggles with hygiene, plus I need my own space). There have been many times that I have gone into the restroom to either shower or use the toilet, and I will hear my master bedroom door opening (no locks—sliding barnwood doors), and it is not my DH. After I yell at SS to get out of my bathroom, I finish my business and then ask him what was so important (obviously not in that manner, but I wrote it like that so the readers could understand my frustration at that point). Usually, he will say, “I forgot” or “Can I have a hug?” I also notice whenever my DH shows any type of affection toward me (hug, kiss on the cheek, holding my hand), he will stare at me and then immediately demand attention from DH. There will be other times when I am doing household chores that he will just sit and stare at me while I do them (I have resorted to wearing extremely baggy clothes; sweatpants, XXL t-shirts, sports bras, thinking that would deter it, and it hasn’t). SS recently “accidentally” brushed his hand across my rear as I was waiting in like with him and DH for something. At this point, I don’t even want to be in my own home because I do not like being left alone with SS, due to his terrible boundaries. DH and I have had numerous talks with SS about what appropriate boundaries look like, but he is not retaining any of it. Suggestions on how I get my house and own space back?