Step daughter has suddenly popped up and demanding everything.
So im married, have been for 4 years. I have 4 children of my own one with my husband. He has 2 girls age 8 and 13. He sees his 8yr old every weekend and has done ever since we got together. She was 14 months at the time. We have had many arguments over his parenting skills. Leaves me to do everything while shes here, will not disipline her. She draws on walls, emptys out talc ect ect. Im the one who has to tell her off and now obviously im seen as the evil step mum. Now she is older those things have stopped however she munipulates him every time shes here. One time she came she said daddy i dont like these shoes. He said oh don't be silly they look lovely. Next thing she comes down stairs with broke shoes that had clearly been cut and what does he do. Goes out immediately to buy new! He buys her more for birthdays, in fact i cover all 4 of my kids without a penny from him. He never sticks up for me when his ex pipes up wirh demands or criticism of me. Im sick of it. But now... His 13 year old who had been stopped by her mum for years from seeing her dad msgs him on her birthday saying what you got for me then. Bring my presents round to my mum. His seen her and did indeed buy her 100 pound worth of vouchers. While i couldn't afford to even spend that on our daughter. He msgs her every weekend saying are you coming round. She replys every time saying im not sitting in your lounge all day yoy should make plans to take me out.
She demanded a coat costing 70 pounds from him. He told me he wouldn't buy it for her as i say if we can't afford for all kids then it isn't fair. My daughter with him has a second hand rivee island coat i won on ebay for 4 quid!!! Anyway he slyly ordered it and fot it delivered ti his sisters house. His been acting distant so i went through his phone. I know right, but i needed to know why. Thats how i found all the msgs from her. She slates myself off says its all about my daughter with him and me and he should want to spend money on her. He has even opened up a babk account for her without me knowing and she still has the cheek to say she would prefer cash! When he asks her to spend the day as a family all 8 of us she refuses but then texts later asking either for him to book a meal out just him and her or trampolining, new clothes or yet more money. My kids don't get that. Our days out are a dog walk in the woods they don't have bank accounts or gifts whenever they ask. Im finding it so hard to get him to see it should be fair all round. She can't keep demanding. Its causing a massive rift between us and im pulling away as to this day ive not heard him say we are a family now, im married i have 2 other daughters and 3 step children. He just gives in everytime. Im ranting now but i am so angry. For years I've put up with his exs abuse, his disrespectful kids and now this little madame has made it a whole lot worse. I don't know what to do. I feel like walking sometimes he shows me no respect anyway im basically the unpaid live in maid who has to put up and shut up.
I hear you
I completely understand where you are coming from. When me and mine first got together I was new to his daughters mothers games and I ended up footing the bill for the elaborate gifts. Guilt trip into sending flowers to school for different occasions under my expense. I finally wisened up and stopped doing it. If he couldn't afford it it did not happen. We have two now of our own and a few weeks ago we went shopping to pick up a few groceries and then we went to a clothing isle so he could pick up his daughter a few items that she "needed" and was glancing at things for our daughter making comments about how they were so cute and would look very nice on our daughter and put them all back on the shelves/racks.
He hasn't boughten our kids anything other than a couple boxes of diapers. Meanwhile I pay for the rent and all of the utilities while he is living under me and paying off a couple notes at the bank and paying his daughters mother $804 a month for child support. He makes $15 an hour at the end of the month he doesn't even have enough money to cover the bills that he has independently. She owns a bar that she had her father put into his name so she could claim that she only receives $1100 a MONTH so neither of her childrens fathers can lower their child support. The pricetag on that was $245,000. Meanwhile she just bought a home for $165,000. A new vehicle for $30,000+ as well as still paying on the previous and that is not including the previous home that she purchased 4 years ago for $64,000 that she is still paying on as well. I am in the process of buying the home we live in as well (solely me) at the cost of $97,000 so I am fully aware of the process and income needed to foot such a bill.
I got after him to get a second job to help foot his part of the bills. We moved into the house in August. His share of the bills were a little over $1,000 a month. By October I told him that if he didn't start picking up his share of the bills he would need to find somewhere else to go. November came, he had picked up a side job and pulled through his portion for the month of November.. we are now half way through December and he covered child care expenses for 1 week and has been borrowing money from me otherwise for gas in his truck. The side gig that he previously had set up.. after he pulled his weight through November he lost interest and they found other help.
At the end of the day you need the help and cannot be expected to do everything. If he cannot respect your home and what you need before getting the extras maybe he needs a wake up call or maybe even a boot?
Say nothing, but withdraw
Say nothing, but withdraw seventy pounds from your joint account. Do this every time he screws over your household in order to spoil this SD. If he brings up the subject, blithely say, "Fair is fair. I really should have spent seventy pounds on each of the kids, just to keep things equal."
You have to consequence him without words. What that looks like depends on the man. You could also cut out certain luxuries he enjoys, serve only the cheapest of meals, etc. Hit him where it hurts, but remain calm and matter of fact.
We have a joint account but
We have a joint account but its empty. I work and have my own account and pay all bills except for the rent. I get minimum pay, he wont work on less than 200 a day! He has his own account and I don't even know how much he has. He pays the rent which is roughly the same as i pay out on a food shop weekly. I go round the shops sometimes especially this time of year adding up as i go so i dont go over. He moans there is no nice food in the house but never takes it upon himself to shop himself or offer money towards it. I have struggled to buy the kids xmas presents, he doesn't even know what ive got he has ni interest at all. I have refused to buy his kids anything this year. All past years i have spent the same amount on all but then they get brought loads more by their bm. So end up doing better than mine as he doesn't help whatsoever. Plus i get it chucked back in my face as apparently i buy naff stuff. That's coming from him and his exs!. Ive tried to talk to him about it and he says he agrees with what im saying but then it never changes. I hate being the one to keep going on at him. Its always about him. From the lack of help at home i still feel like a single parent. While im rushing around in the mornings his laying in bed until he decides to get up and go to work. His self employed so has that luxury if booking in work later. Me on the other hand gets up, gets kids sorted, tidys house, takes youngest to school, then off to work i go. It all starts again when i get home. Washing, cooking ect. When my daughter was a newborn and he was having his 14 month old daughter overnight not once did he get up to help. Both were very bad sleepers, each up at least 3/4 times. In the end i said no more to overnight stays as i couldn't cope. He still resents me for that, says i stopped him having a proper relationship with his daughter but he offered no help. I can't do right for wrong. I was burnt out myself. I go on like his some awful man but when we get on we really get on well. This year has been pretty tough on everyone. His nephew died suddenly of a clot on the brain. We were bith there as they switched off his life support. It was devastating to say the least. He was only 11. When I was 18 i had a stillborn boy and the grief from seeing his nephew die brought back many bad memories for me. I had never duscussed it with my husband not properly anyway. He knew of course but i never showed him pictures ect. I kept those to myself. Anyway i supported him as best as I could but found he had been pouring his heart out to his daughters mum. Not me, kept pushing me away, silent treatment. In a row he said he felt like he couldn't open up to me as i was to messed up from losing my own son. He actually said word for word, "i dont really about what happened to you 17 years ago. He wasn't my son, i never met him and he was born to an arse hole" i was obviously extremely hurt by this and was literally packing my bags.... I stayed after he apologies and says his still distraught over his nephews death. I think there is a lot that needs addressing. If things don't change though i will walk. Sometimes after work i drive so slowly as i dread going home and it shouldn't be like that. We were happy once but im not sure how ti get back to that. His out at the gym now, after taking his 13yr old to sprinkles. Didn't even offer our daughter to go along. Hence my post this evening, im just at my wits end.
What a stone cold b@stard he
What a stone cold b@stard he is. Selfish and narcissistic, to boot.
He should be contributing to the care of your shared child. But that's not who he is, is it?
You need to put together an exit strategy. Please consult a divorce attorney.