Ah i cant please everyone
I am in a difficult position, my step daughter has been removed from her home by social services and placed with us. Me and my husband live in a 3 ved house and moving is not an option. I already have a 17 yr old , 16 yr old, 13 year old and my youngest who is 6. She has autism and can be difficult with change of routine ect ect. Social see have asked us to have sd untill shes 18! Shes 9 atm. She has come in and taken my 6 year olds bed and she is now back in bed with us! (took me years to get her sleep in her own bed and now im back to square 1) my husband works alot, is gone by breakfast and comes home not long after bedtime. I also work but my hours are during school time. My 13 year old is sharing with sd atm but they don't get on and at 13 on wants her own space. She had to share with her 6 year old sister and that was just about doable for her although it caused arguments. Now my 13 year old has told me she wants to move to her nans and not be with us at home. Court is on monday and i am torn over what to do. I don't know if i can take on a not child not just because of the space but its a big ask. Its not just look after her for a few weeks this is going to be untill she's 18. Husband wont see her in care and says i should step up as his wife. But fails to see the impact its already having on not just myself but my kids too. I don't want to commit to something im already in 2 minds about as that leaves the sd at risk of upheaval years later if it was to all go wrong. I just don't know what to do. Its all on me to make a decision. Help!
Can I ask why moving is not
Can I ask why moving is not an option? Can you renovate your existing home,or add on, to create more space? Will BM have to pay you any child support?
I don't blame your DH for not wanting her in foster care, but don't blame you, either, for not wanting to take on another child who will undoubtedly have a history of trauma and difficult behaviors as a result. Do your kids see their father(s)? Could they spend more time there?
Seems like your husband helping you more than he does now has to be part of the solution.
Thank you for your replys, my
Thank you for your replys, my children's dad does not see his children as he was violent and i fled the relationship over 12 years ago. I have my youngest with my husband. She is autistic and has her own needs. My sd has always been difficult and i used to relax when it was time to take her home. Now shes living in my house and i cant escape her. I literally do what needs to be done, clothe her, feed, her, clean her ect but we have always had a difficult relationship caused by her bm. She used to make her lie about me to her dad which causee massive arguments. Its obvious now that she emotionally abused her kids and would make them lie all the time to social services. If i knew it was a temporary thing i could manage that but untill shes 18? We can't move as we just don't have the finances to do so or for an extension. Bedrooms sizes are literally fitting a bunkbed in each room and no room for other furniture. It was a struggle with just my husband and my 4 children. Now there is 7 of us. Its was only sat the social services dropped her off. Im the one whos sat in the emergency dentist for 5 hours with her Monday to fix her rotting teeth, her dad slept all afternoon and said his not in the right mind to go to work and do electrics. So im left picking up the pieces from the bm shit parenting. My 3 older children were moved around enough in the years i fled dv. They are settled now in a place they have school close by, friends ect. I dont want to uoproot them all again. Its just not fair on anyone and i dont know what to do. If i tell him to leave and him be a dad to her elsewhere im ripping up my family and my daughter loses her dad. Or she stays and i resent him for putting me in such an impossible situation. I cant win. I feel for the sd but i also have to take my mental health and my children's happiness in it too.
Why do you have to take on
Why do you have to take on her care, he's the father? No way he gets to sleep on the couch while you take care of his daughter. If you leave, he has to put her in foster care, so he'd better get his attitude adjusted quickly and start helping.
Court is monday. I was told i
Court is monday. I was told i have got to be 100% committed to take her full time as social services don't want her to settle then a year later it goes wrong and shes moved again. So i have literally hours to make a choice. I cant even look at my husband right now my blood boils when i think of the situation everyone is now in because of his vile ex. She now knows our address too and our house is flagged my the police. Not what i want for my children who have had to go through this many years ago. My house was flagged i had alarms fitted after i escaped my ex. My kids don't need this! Social services said tbey will be doing 10 day visits for the foreseeable future snooping around my home i have safetly raised my kids, they want to assess my dog ffs. His the most docile dog ever. They want to know whos coming and going, we have to let them know if my self or husband want an over break and who will be looking after sd so they can be assed. They want us to tell us if we go abroad. Its not just the case of looking after her its a massive intrusion on our family through no fault of our own.
Well, it's not YOUR fault,
Well, it's not YOUR fault, for sure, or your kids - but your husband did choose to have a child with a woman who wasn't a fit parent, so why should you shoulder all the work?
Personally, I'd say no, I don't agree to it - because you, DH, are not helping me with her, and I'm not taking it on by myself. Then see if he steps up. If he steps up, then trust me, they will be happy to send her to your care at some point in the future.
Why does social services need to be so intrusive with a child who will be living with her parent? Is it time-limited?
"her dad slept all afternoon
"her dad slept all afternoon and said his not in the right mind to go to work"
He said WHAT??! I hope you told him to get off his lazy arse and tend to his daughter.! He doesn't get to skive off when his daughter needs taken care of! IMO, it's not just his ex who is a waste of space, he isn't exactly stellar parent material either! Do not let him get out of his parental duties.
Doesn't sound like dad is 100
Doesn't sound like dad is 100% invested so why should you be??? This was s a big nope and you need to start getting your ducks in a row. This relationship can't last , you can't last in this situation.
It pisses me off when parents
It pisses me off when parents try to justify having others take on their duties by saying it's because of their work schedule. IMO it's the rare situation where a work schedule can't be changed to accomodate having a child and at the same time the person can't afford paid care. You know what else? Low income people in the US are usually eligible for government child care assistance for the whole thing. In my state, a family of 4 can make over $51,000 per year and they only have to work or go to school a total of 20 hours a week to qualify. It's an excuse used by people who don't enjoy being with their kids and also don't want to pay for help.
My point with all that is that if he's using work to justify you doing everything, it's a crock of sh!t. He can parent her or pay for child care when he's not there.
I've gone back and read your first post
I know you are venting and we may not see the upsides of your relationship but I really worry for you and yours. Your DH doesn't sound like a good person. Maybe the action to take now is to ask him to move out with his children. (From your last post he is financially abusing you.)
Take care and put the focus on what is best for you and your children.
How big is the attic, garage,
How big is the attic, garage, or back yard? My BIL1 and his wife adopted twin sisters out of the system a few years ago to add to their two BioDaughters. They now have 4. 17, 12, & 2X11. Their home is officially 3br. They converted the garage to a suite for the eldest.
Is an attic room, garage room, or granny pod in the back yard an option for the eldest or the eldest two to share?
It may be that the special needs/youngest should have her own room.
Rags, she's in the UK
Houses are smaller and need planning permission for changes so its not going to be a quick fix.
Plus go back and read the OP's original forum post. Her DH is not a gem.
TY.
I read it and went into solution mindset. My bride tells me that it is a man thing. Apparently.
I did catch some hints on the DH character issues.
Will the OP/SM have the opportunity to stipulate some conditions in court? Is there program assets that can be applied for to gain some living space in the home? Since "CPS" is involved it may be worth looking into.
The twins came with some system support that has alleviated some of the financial strain associated with their adoption for my BIL1 and his family.
I would say no and see if
I would say no and see if there's an aunt/uncle or grandparent the skid could stay with where the environment would be more stable for her and for your kids. If your DH doesn't like it, he can get his own place and figure out how to get out of bed to take care of her.
Hard NO
If the child is placed with you, make plans to leave your DH and his crotch fruit sooner rather than later. You know this isn't going to work.
I would say NO.
I would say NO.
From what you describe there simply isn't enough room in the house and also your husband will leave all the parenting of HIS kid, to you. I read your other post and it blows my mind that you are paying for pretty much everything while you earn a pittance in comparison to him.
Be firm and say no on this. I hope you can do that. He is no prize and certainly doesn't sound like he takes any interest in your bio daughter you have together....
I agree with Kaylee. He doesn
I agree with Kaylee. He doesn't sound worth making this kind of sacrifice for.
I was told i have got to be 100% committed to take her full time
HE is the one who needs to be 100% committed to taking care of HIS daughter. You need to be honest with your husband and honest with social services.
I think NO is the correct
I think NO is the correct answer. If you have to think about it this hard, I don't think you should agree to take her, other than maybe for a short period. If it costs you your marriage, it really doesn't sound like it's a terrible loss - from what you've posted your husband is a poor parent and a poor partner. You'd probably be better without him. Finally, this is affecting your kids negatively (your 6 year old is back to square one with sleeping arrangements and your 13 year old wants to move out). You owe it to them to put them first. That reinforces the NO decision.
So your husband tells you to step up as his wife
To be surrogate mummy maid nany to his problem child, yet bio mum doesn't get told by him to step up?
then he sleeps on the couch because his head isn't in the right place for him to do anything he's responsible for? Like take his kid to the dentist??
you are not responsible for any child you did not contribute towards the getting pregnant with or adopting of. Since sd is not the product from either of these, your husband needs to step up and clearly he can't and won't.
he'll rock up to court lying that he'll care for his kid (when in reality he won't, it'll be palmed off to you) and you'll be in court feeling "nope, I don't want this responsibility since my husband has palmed it 100% to me"
the big question is, will you tell the courts that?
Solicitors and the social
Solicitors and the social worker called today and im not even invited to court!!! The ex doesn't want me to attend. So i am kept out of everything. I brought a blow up mattress today so she could sleep on it and my daughter have her bed back. However after sd showing her some stupid video on YouTube while i was making dinner she is absolutely petrified and refuses point blank to sleep alone. It's taken me years to get her sleeping in her own bed, i used to sit next to her untill she drifted off for 2/3 years and finally after so long she would go to sleep herself while the bedroom door was open and id be having a bath. Its been a long tired journey for me and my daughter and now i feel its gone straight back to when she was at her worst. I don't have any bad feelings towards sd at all i feel for her and know what shes been through. Its just affecting everyone else in the house. Me and my husband are not even talking now. I cant bare him near me atm. Its just all such a mess. I wish there was an easy answer i really do.
You don’t have to be invited to court to attend.
At least not in the US. What they can do is motion to exclude witnesses which will usually remove anyone expected to testify from the courtroom until they are called to testify.
Since BM does not want you there, obviously her side has no intention to call you to the stand. I would go, make sure BM knows you are there in the bldg, and during any breaks have your DH and your attorney huddle with you for quiet consults that keep her anxiety up.
Because he didn't want his parents hearing about his serial statutory rape career, drug use, abandoning the baby in the car to run from the police when they found a gun in the diaper bag, etc.... their lawyer motioned to exclude witnesses and everyone was removed from the courtroom to wait in two separate witness seclusion rooms. So, I stood at the glass doors of the courtroom and watched the interplay in the courtroom. My DW knew I was there and watching. So did the Judge, the SlermIdiot and his lawyer.
The SpermIdiot didn't like it but there was nothing anyone could do about it. I was not in the courtroom.
Regardless of what anyone says, including the Judge, you are a party to the case. Make sure you are present and that everyone understands that you are fully informed, highly influential, and whether the opposition, their attorney, and even the Judge like it or not, you are not going away and you will not be subservient in any way to anyone in the blended family opposition human interplay. Including the idiot bottom 10%er of the legal profession on the bench. That person's influence pretty much ends when the hearing ends and the CO is issued. After that, you and your mate have the power to interpret the order as you wish, use it to your advantage, and to put and keep the opposition in their place.
If the opposition is reasonable, then treat them reasonably. If not, then bring the pain.
((((Hugs))))
((((Hugs))))
I feel for you. Your DH needs to do something about it. The blow up mattress is a great idea, just wish SD hadn't done something so stupid like showing your daughter that video. Grrr!!!
I cannot believe you're not
I cannot believe you're not "invited" to court when hubby is expecting you to take on her full-time care! If you're not invited to court then I'd un-invite myself from her care as well. I had to do this to my hubby and his ex too. I told her my home is MY HOME and any child in it is under my care and legal responsibility and if she didn't like it she can pay for a sitter or the twins can go to her house when my husband leaves for work. I feel so gutted for all of us who are regarded as strangers in our own home.