Living arrangements. Advice needed!
Hi guys. So im new to steptalk, but i have been reading the posts on here and realised that it seems to be a great place for step parents and others to discuss parenting and step parenting.
So i hate to get on and start whinging and asking for advice straight away, but i need help and am looking to have a serious talk with my partner this weekend. Please bare wirh me for the long post as its my first.
So my partner is significantly older than me (almost 10 years) but we get on great. Ive known her for about 8 years and weve been dating for almost a year now.
Like everyone we have many problems but we also have lots of great times. My current issue however is that i feel like im the least important person or thing in the house. She lived on her own with 50% custody of her kids for quite some time after her split with her ex and now i feel shes somewhat forgotten what its like to live with someone else. Especially seeing as her ex used to be a mess and now shes free of him.
My main concern with this atm is that i feel i have no personal space. Now i know that kids have a lot of needs and very little understanding of personal space or private time. But all i ask is that the kids (2 and 4) dont hop into our bed, unless they have a really bad night i.e a nightmare or feeling sick. Is this to much to ask? When i have broached the subject with my partner in the past she brushes my concerns off like im being silly, but i can tell shes also trying to hold back an emotional response. Were moving in together soon and i need to resolve this problem before we do or it could become a major problem for us. What do i do or say???
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Comments
Tell her that you need
Tell her that you need personal space to recharge. I don't have any right now, and I have to say it's been a struggle... I have more to offer to my husband and the skids when I can get away for a bit and recharge my batteries... It makes me a happier and more patient person. I use the gym currently.
I think this is difficult
I think this is difficult because her kids are pretty young and they obviously have done this by habit. It's also a really foreign thing for you because you aren't used to the general chaos that young kids bring with their very existance..
I think you should bring this up when you are both calm and not in the heat of an argument. I might tell her your concerns and that you really want your bedroom to be a sanctuary for you as a couple and that you are just not comfortable with kids jumping in bed with you. It's not that you don't LIKE her kids.. it just makes you uncomfortable. Ask if she can try to make that a new rule so that you also feel ok in the home.
I would also say that if she can't agree to this change then you don't think moving in together is a good idea because this is a bare minimum need you have so that you feel you belong in the home too. Explain that it will be hard enough to come into an environment where they all have had their own spaces... and you will need her help to ensure you have a place too.
Tell her she is so sexy you
Tell her she is so sexy you often wake up with a raging...you know what...after dreaming about her. Does she really want THAT pressed up against one of the kiddos?
I HATED it when my DH's kids crawled into our bed when they were little. It is not fun or cute when they aren't yours and I prefer to sleep with the least amount of clothing possible. Also, kids squirm and kick and flail their arms. Kids in bed = not enough sleep.
She needs to get them sleeping in their own bed before you move in. If the above reasons still don't sway your GF, perhaps tell her that her ex could make a court case against her because an unrelated male is sleeping with his toddlers.
I usually have a no kids in
I usually have a no kids in our bedroom rule... however... when my kids were little like that there were times that I slipped and out of pure exhaustion would let them in the bed in the middle of the night. I was not married then. After I remarried I was very strict and sometimes that meant that with a puking kid in the middle of the night I wound up sleeping on the floor of the bedroom with a toddler and a puke can.
Kids don't belong in the bed with parents. Especially non biologically related children. That can open up a whole mess of liabilty that you don't want in your life. I would approach it with her with that as your reasoning. What if Biodad coached them to say there was in appropriate touching. What if you slept in your underwear and something... popped out... and they saw. What if lists can go on and on. You need to have back up with this particular boundary and if she doesn't agree, don't move in.
Ask your gf how her ex would
Ask your gf how her ex would feel if he knew that his kids were hopping into bed with you ...
I don't allow bio children in
I don't allow bio children in my bedroom. Everyone needs a place of their own, a quiet space.
Update
So i had the talk with her. It was jept quite brief, because as expected she had a strong emotional response before we even got into the conversation. Intially she laughed about it, until ahe realised that it was a serious issue for me.
Things have been better since. Theres still not enough boundary for my liking, but they are sleeping most of the night in there bed. Which is a good start. We need to talk more about setting boundaries and creating routines etc to make both the kids and us happier and healthier. But things are getting better. Just slowly. Atm my biggest issue is constantly having to hear about the ex and everything he is doing and listening to he and the kids talk, but thats another issue for another time.
I just want to say thanks to those who read my post and replied. Some of your advice helped and even in a time of need just to know that people are listening and understanding and going through the same thing really helped. Thanks!