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jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 8:51am

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Blended Family Issues

Hiya everyone! hope you're all doing well! I was just wondering if anyone could advise me?! Ive been with my boyfriend for over a year now, he had been single for 6 years before he met me after splitting from the mother of his 2 children.
His ex has not reacted well to our new relationship at all, which is an understatement to be honest! she actually stopped him from seeing his daughter who was 8 at the time saying that his daughter didn't want to see him anymore because of me. luckily my partner has been to court and has a court order now to see his daughter. it also came out in court that his ex was lying and his daughter always wanted to see my partner she just didn't want to upset her mum.
Now that the court order is in place my partner and I would like to start introducing me to his daughter however his daughter gets upset if he mentions it because she doesn't want to upset her mum. Can anyone please give us any advice on how to deal with the situation??

thanks

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 9:46am

the thing is that we now live together so everytime my partner has his daughter Im upstairs 'hiding' as my family live 2 an half hrs away. my partner wants 2 introduce us sooner rather than later before it gets any harder as his daughter is now getting upset when meeting me is mentioned because she doesn't want to upset her mum and is worried that i wont like her!

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Submitted by LostinSpaceandTime on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 10:51am

Hiding in your own house is not a good thing. Does the girl stay overnight on these visits? If not then he should take her out for the visitation times so you don't have to hide from her. Weird.
Echo's advice to go slow is good. But unless your BF puts you up in a hotel this could get awkward.
Good luck.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Submitted by LostinSpaceandTime on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 11:25am

Ps. The kid is 8. So what if she gets upset that her Dad is dating. Er...living with someone. So what if the BM gets upset. Are you prepared to live your life in hiding so everyone's feelings are spared.
How about instead your BF teaches his DD how to respect others...namely you. That even if she is upset that she is taught how to manage her emotions. That she is taught not to go tattling to BM about what goes on in your household.

So unless she is introduced to you soon...then he should not bring her to your house while you are hiding upstairs. How is that going to go if she discovers you? Does that teach her it is ok to lie and hide people in the closet? Imagine she is 15 and bring a boy into the house and hides him ....oh it's ok...that is what daddy taught me to do.

Being a parent is teaching life skills 24/7.
Are you ready for that?
Is your BF?

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 1:35pm

totally agree with you lost in space and time. his daughter knows Im here in the house she just doesn't want to bump into me. she's scared to upset BM and not see her dad again Sad

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Tue, 04/02/2013 - 2:33pm

First of all, a child should never be in a position where they are afraid if they piss of their mom, they won’t see their dad. That’s just childish and controlling on BM’s part.

My DH and I have been together 3 years and when BM found out we were dating (they had been broken up a few months but were never married), she FLIPPED OUT. I mean went NUTS. She found me on Facebook and wrote me all these crazy messages threatening to kill me and telling me to stay away from her daughter (mind you, DH had her 50/50 and no I was not willing to only see my boyfriend at the time every other week so she had to get over that one lol). She also physically attacked my DH when he had SD in his arms, messed up his car, a bunch of other stuff.

I agree with Ecko’s suggestion to take it slow with the kid, but as for the BM, she needs to be put in her place ASAP and the only one who can do that is your boyfriend. He needs to let her know he is with someone else now and both she and the kid need to be respectful of you. That is not to say the BM will listen, but at least she will know her place. Do not allow her to use the kid to control your boyfriend or she will continue pulling that crap forever.

*Edited to add-- althought I agree with taking it slow with the kid, you should NOT have to hide out in your bedroom. That's ridiculous. If your boyfriend wants to bring the kid over, they can go find something to do until he is comfortable with introducing you.

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Wed, 04/03/2013 - 5:50am

thanks christenen, I thought my Bf's ex was bad comin after me in the car but looks like I got off lightly! Smile we've decided its time for me to meet his daughter so he's going to mention it to her on Saturday then hopefully introduce us on Tuesday. keep your fingers crossed!!

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Wed, 04/03/2013 - 7:17am

Aw thanks for that! Im just really nervous! her BM has been telling her Im the reason she didn't see her dad and that Im basically the wicked witch of the west and i don't know how to or if ill be able to change that view?!?!

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Wed, 04/03/2013 - 10:43am

Her BM clearly has a personality disorder, like BPD, and is using any tool at her disposal to punish her ex for leaving her. The child is a weapon. This will not improve. Ever. Eventually, the child will (with BM's help) find some trumped-up reason to stop seeing her father. She may claim one of you abused her in some way. Your life will be under constant scrutiny. It is a waste of time to attempt to "bond" with the child. It will only hurt you emotionally when you are rejected. I say these things because I lived it. Do not underestimate the hate of a BPD ex. It is poison. It never stops. You sound like a nice girl, think long and hard about whether you really want to be in the middle of all this crazy.

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 3:48am

I totally agree that the BM has issues however my Bf's daughter has already fought against her mother already to see him and she does want to meet me she just doesn't want her BM to be upset which is totally understandable. It sounds like you've had an awful experience and i hope you're ok now.

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 9:43am

We have healed somewhat, but my DH has not seen his daughter (14) since last August. He gets one phone call per week. And this is after she lived with us for the previous two years. Her mother wore her down, turned DH into the bad guy, and essentially cut him out completely. All we did was offer a normal life to her, complete with rules and expectations. Google parental alienation and borderline personality disorder, and it may give you some insight. No child will continue doing something that displeases her mother forever. She will not be allowed to like you, so don't expect it.

jenm29's picture

Submitted by jenm29 on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 11:59am

my bf has a court order now so if the BM ever tries to stop his daughter coming to see him then she could be fined or have to do community service which is something that she wouldn't like on her record. Im just going to try and remain positive that things will work out!

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 12:22pm

A court order will not keep the child from doing what she must do to survive. There is a big difference between grudgingly allowing a child to see her father and facilitating a relationship between the child and her father. You are not married to this man, so you can be very cautious about your involvement in this situation. Being positive and thinking things will all work out is all well and good, but keep your eyes open and look out for yourself.