Spending Christmas in the Car . . . transporting skids to BM
I've been lurking for a couple months, but this is my first post. I thought just knowing other people were going through this would be enough, but as of today I officially have to vent.
My FDH's ex -- the BM to SS5 and SS 2 -- has totally jacked up Christmas.
This was supposed to be my first Chrimstas with the boys. I was impossibly excited. I get along great with SS5 and we almost always have tons of fun together. SS2 is a different story, but things have been getting alot better. We all put the tree up together. FDH and I picked the perfect presents and felt great about spending a bit too much. I literally could not wait for Christmas.
We have the boys for Christmas this year. We were supposed to, anyway. FDH had previously agreed to split Christmas day with his ex so that she and her family could include the boys in their celebration later in the day.
Well, a three days ago SS5 gets pink eye and FDH takes him to the quickcare center. He texts BM to notify her that he is getting SS5 medical care for pink eye. Then texts again when he finds out SS5 also has tonsilitus. She shows up an hour later at quickcare parking lot -- FDH and SS5 are already finished by then. And rather than trying to make sure SS5 is okay, she starts yelling at FDH about driving the skids to her parents hometown for xmas 3 hours away.
So, rather than having Christmas, we are now going to feed them breakfast, give them their presents, pack them in the car, and have them to the halfway point -- where BM's father agreed to meet us -- by 2 o'clock.
We had been under the impression she meant to pick them up halfway through xmas day. However, she now claims that FDH promised her he would drive them to her parents house halfway through christmas day in order to make things easier on her family. Which is insane. Why the H would he agree to trap the kids in the car for 3 hours on xmas day? Furthermore, why would he agree to make a six hour round trip on xmas?
I'm so angry I don't even know what to say.
This is only the most recent in a series of BS behaviors. She's started making unscheduled stops at the house, supposedly to see the boys. In the last 2 years of my relationship she has wanted to see the boys on our days maybe 5 times. She has stopped by -- apparently because she was right around the corner -- four times in the last week and a half.
And she's taking FDH back to court with new mediation terms stating that no step parent can discipline the step children in any fashion unless the bio parent is present and agrees to the proposed punishment at the time of punishment. This is the same woman who asks me to take SS2 to the playground without her at SS5's soccer games because she "can't handle him."
All this started at Thanksgiving when she found out we were engaged. I have no idea what her plan is. She's started showing up dressed to a T with glamorama make-up. She's now texting him 24/7 (3 or 4 times a day even when we don't have skids) about nonsense: "Don't forget to pick up the book for SS5's preschool party" "Just a little reminder to pay the babysitter today" "What did you get the boys for christmas?"
It's making me nuts. I want to kick her in the face. If this had been routine for her, maybe I would feel differently, but she has NEVER shown any interest in the boys except to show them off at family events and suck money out of FDH.
So, it looks like I wrote a novel here. If you finished reading the whole thing, thanks. I really appreciate it.
Hedge
Thanks for your responses. I
Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate the feedback.
I know my anger is disproportionate to this situation. It just feels like the last straw, I guess. I have been trying so hard for two years (and mostly succeeding) to stay cool about everything and separate myself from the situation. I've really tried to just keep a sense of humor about it all. I managed to laugh it off when she practically sat on FDH's sports bag at soccer practice and rummaged through his stuff, supposedly looking for food for SS2. I laughed when she had her father approach FDH at a different soccer game and tell him BM didn't have to be his ex and they should all go to a barbeque together. I laughed she hit FDH with a $4000 law suit precisely one week after we announced our engagement.
But the last two weeks have been ridiculous. I woke up two days ago to FDH informing me that his father had just let BM into the house as she'd showed up unannounced again. Back at Thanksgiving I got out of the shower and FDH's dad had let her in and she'd not only entered the house but gone all the way to the boys' room and was messing around in there. I feel bad for FDH's dad because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell her to stay out ... she's already threatened not to let him see the kids anymore if he doesn't do what she wants. But I pay for half of everything for this place and some other woman is roaming around without my permission. And scheduling my Christmas. And accidentally stopping by, unannounced again, two minutes before we're supposed to leave to take SS5 to go see Narnia. It's just constant.
If she was a good mother, I would feel differently. But SS5 cries and hides from her every time she comes to pick him up. She is training SS2 to be a crazy person and lets him hit, kick, and bite his brother with no consequences whatsoever. Whenever the boys get sick, she calls FDH to come get them because she "can't handle it." Every time we go out of town, one of the boys miraculously ends up with strep throat, bronchitis, or an allergic reaction (usually to something they eat with us without any difficulty whatsoever) and by the time we return to get them or take them to the hospital or whatever they are magically fine.
In the last 2.5 years, we have gone out of town about 9 times. She has called every single time with some sort of medical emergency except twice . . . and those were the only two times she didn't know we were leaving (it was just a day trip).
I guess I just feel overwhelmed. I've been holding my feelings back about everything for so long that the whole Christmas incident sort of made me snap.
And you're right, I'm not going to help her out at all anymore. If she wants to be difficult, there's no reason I should help her along. When I went into this relationship, I promised myself I would put aside any feelings of jealousy or intimidation in order to establish a working relationship with the mother of FDH's children. I promised myself I would always make sure the boys came first and that I'd make myself care about her because she is part of the boys' lives.
And she's just making that impossible.