You are here

So this is apparently all my fault...

seekingpatience's picture

Not sure if you guys can find my previous posts but basically we had an incident with my SS9 who i caught with his pants down with my DD5. it was extremely upsetting and we separated the kids and have them both in therapy now. SS is now saying that he's scared to be at our house, and making up shit that me and his father have said and did that is completely untrue (mostly about me though). and his BM is now saying that this is basically my fault totally because i was the one who was supposed to be supervising them when it happened (DH was at work) BM is the master of deflecting blame onto anyone but herself, and i guess since she raises him 90% of the time, shes feeling like she MIGHT be blamed for how he is turning out so shes making sure someone else is blamed... me....

the lying is extremely concerning. he could say anything at all and his mom believes him. he makes little things up all the time to try to make his mom think we are not nice to him - again, its mostly stuff about me but sometimes he will say we didnt feed him or made him stay in his room all weekend. but then he turns around and tells us things about HER boyfriend too that she claims are not true. if you call him out on it, he will either deny that he said that, or start crying. its gotten worse since the incident with DD because he knows hes in trouble here and he knows im not happy with what he did, so hes trying to deflect that.

im just feeling extremely pissed off that this is somehow my fault (i left them to play for 20 minutes.. you would think that one could expect a 9 year old to NOT take his pants off??), and even more pissed that the SS behavior - especially the lying/making shit up - is being brushed off. i told dh that i will not be alone with him so if he has to work when SS is here, he has to go stay at his moms house or whatever, just not with me, which, luckily, he understands. and then SS turned around and used it against me when we called him out for lying about me being "mean" to him and he said "well but she didnt WANT me here!!" ughh!!

and NOW BM is telling DH that she is saving up to take him to court because SS is not being properly supervised when he's with me. can she block visitation in court just for a stupid claim like that? need some words of advice/reassurance....

hereiam's picture

When your DH is at work, the kid should be with BM. Frankly, I would not have this kid anywhere near my daughter, whether your DH is there or not.

BM is telling DH that she is saving up to take him to court because SS is not being properly supervised when he's with me.

He should tell BM that that will no longer be a problem since SS will not be there anymore when DH has to work.

seekingpatience's picture

for the record, I have already made it clear that he cannot be here if DH is not here. BM already knows this (although she acts like it was her idea bc she doesnt want her son near horrible, awful me!). but yes, its already in place.

ctnmom's picture

Ok, take a deep breath. Now. Put BM and SS COMPLETELY out of you mind, and remind yourself that first and foremost is your DD's safety and security in her own home. Let everything else fall away. I'm concerned at how much you are getting caught up in BM's shit show. Who cares? 100% of your time should now be keeping your DD out of harms way. I shudder to think what this kid has already done in other 20 minute spans. This is the kind of thing that scars kids for life; protect your daughter and ignore the rest. Not your problem.

seekingpatience's picture

you're so right. its not my problem. and yes, i am definitely in full-on protection mode with my DD and that is my #1 priority.

momagainfor4's picture

Honestly, this is a prime example of what is wrong with society today. Instead of talking to the kid openly and confronting his behavior they've somehow placed blame on you.
It almost sounds like your dh is being a little flaky as well. But then he's a guy so he's not going to want to blame his poor snowflake either.

This is a crappy situation for you and I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Esp your daughter who now has to go to counselling bc some loser took his pants off in front of a 5 year old.

What the hell has the ss9 been watching on tv?? i say this is NOT your fault. The 2 parents should be taking responsibility and teaching their son to take responsibility for his actions as well.

seekingpatience's picture

yeah, you're being pretty harsh. i never said i separated from my dh. i said we separated the kids. my DD started therapy for her behavior and also this so... im just covering my bases. i want to make sure we totally handle it. im not gonna LEAVE my dh over childhood curiosity that we are doing everything we can to get handled.

Monchichi's picture

This, I had a play stethoscope. I listened to heartbeats and headaches. Stuck a plaster and off I went.

seekingpatience's picture

to be clear, my ex and I decided to start our dd in counseling more because of her behavior this past year - shes been absolutely terrible with attitude and fits and had lots of trouble in K and with her going into 1st grade we want to make sure we know how to help her handle her emotions. this other situation is just something that was brought up in counseling. so far, the therapist has said its just curiosity and not something to go crazy over.

MAHM-mami's picture

Woah, Keep your daughter away from this sick twisted little boy! If it were me, I would tell my spouse "SS is not welcome at our home anymore. If you want to spend time with him, go out to the park or do activities outside the house." I think situations where stepchildren lie about stepparents is the scariest situation for a stepparent. They can lie and say sexual things are being done to them and then you're in deep trouble with the law. I would stay away from this kid and you have a right to. You're not his bio and you don't have to babysit him.