Should i have to pay my SS's school fees???
Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and I hope you will be able to help me with a problem that has arisen between me and my partner. Albeit a hypothetical one at the is stage.
To give you a bit of background I am in a relationship with a man who has a child from a previous relationship, a son. I do not have any children myself but I would really like to start trying for a family in the next couple of years, and my partner would like this too.
My step son is currently three years old. He does not live with us and to be honest we are not that close at the moment as my partner’s ex doesn’t want me to spend time with him in case he likes me more than her (don’t get me started!!!!!) lol!
Last night me and the bf were having a chat about schools and more importantly whether or not, if we had children, would we would want them to go to private school, if we were able to financially.
We are by no means rich but, at a stretch we probably could afford it, just! I am a newly qualified solicitor and I have worked my butt off to qualify. I came from a very poor family and I have put myself through law school on a part time basis while working full time. The point I am trying to make is that I have worked really hard to get qualified and any resulting good salary I get as a result of my job will be because I went the extra mile to ensure I have a good future ahead of me.
Because of my job, in the future, I may well be able to pay for private education for my children (if my bf, who I hope will be my husband by the time we have children, will be able to also put up 50% of the cost of sending our kids to a good school). He agrees, that if we could afford it then he would contribute half the fees with me so we could send our child(ren) to private school…as long as it didn’t mean we were broke because of it.
This is all well and good…we agree that if it is viable then we would love to do that for our kids.
My question related to an issue that we had last night while talking….it got very heated!
If we did send our hypothetical child to private school it would be a stretch for us, no doubt about that. Then my bf says “what about my son…we can’t send our child to private school and send him to the local comprehensive state school…that’s not fair”.
I said “well, if you want to send him to private school then you should do. That is a matter between you and your ex to discuss. However, you can’t afford to pay all of it (especially if we have a family) so, if your ex can pay half of the school fees for your son and you can pay the other half then I can see the problem”
He said that there is no way his ex could afford half the fees to send his son so we (i.e. me and him) would have to pay for it!!!
I don’t want to sound nasty but this really got my back up!
Is it wrong for me to think why should I pay for his child from a previous relationship to go to private school because the child’s mother didn’t do anything with her life and hence can’t afford half of the fees!! (me and his ex don’t get on…I tried but just because I am with her ex she snubs me at every opportunity). It would be hard enough for me and my partner to send our kids to private school let alone us paying for another child.
My bf says that he wouldn’t handle sending our kids to a private school and not sending his son. He said that wouldn’t be fair. I sort of agree. But, his son is not my financial responsibility. His education is the responsibility of my bf and his ex…surely?
The thing that really gets my goat is that I have worked hard and I want to send any children I have to a good school. Im refuse to not send my kids to a good school because my partners ex can’t afford to send her son…..thats not really my problem surely??
I would be grateful for your comments.
I’m not a bad person, I promise, its just very hard being a new step mom and im a little confused about my role in all this.
Thanks
LC
His son is his and his ex
His son is his and his ex responsibilty financially. You have every right to send your child to a private school if you want. yes it may not be fair but thats not your proplem its between him and his ex your child should not suffer because of the other.
all the best
Thanks stepmum at 20...its
Thanks stepmum at 20...its so refreshing to see someone else shares my views and its nice to know that i am perhaps not nasty in my thoughts.
It would be interesting to see if anyone agrees with my partner..
This is so hard!!
We've had similar problems
We've had similar problems Ladycakes.
My partner has 2 girls from a previous marriage, age 7 and 5. We have one age 3. I, like you, grew up poor and worked my rear off going to college part time to become an engineer. I make a pretty decent salary now.
I've put my daughter in music lessons and swimming lessons. We went round and round about his children and if this was fair to them when they couldn't go (we only have them EOW and the mother won't take them to anything on her time). During holidays and summers I enroll them in camps (which I pay for) and swimming lessons and I think that is well more than enough.
We wanted to do the disney thing. Their mother wouldn't let them go so dp said we can't go because it wouldn't be fair. Bullshit, I say. Why should my child be deprived of a trip to disney because of their mother?
Anyway, the 'everything has to be fair' thing got pretty ridiculous in our house. Dp was comparing birthday parties, how much I spent on bday gifts, how many xmas gifts each one got... it took all the joy out of everything.
So, bottom line, it is my duty to do the best I can for my children. I owe his children nothing. If I can do for his children without it taking away from mine, I'm happy to do that. If their own mother isn't willing to do for her children, that is NOT MY PROBLEM and my children should not suffer because of it. She can bring her children up to what I do if it's a problem for her but I will not lower my standards because she's more interested in spending money on herself than she is on spending it on them.
It is hard very hard FH and
It is hard very hard FH and I had a huge fight last night due to not having time for ourselves when it comes to problems and getting them sorted out. he wasnt really intrested in giving up time with his son to sort out our relationship,yet he is quite happy to give up our time for his son and anything else he sees as important.
Marim> Here here! Loved your
Marim> Here here! Loved your post...couldnt agree more!!!
So in summary...is it really
So in summary...is it really ok for me just to say "tough"!
She cant pay half so tough!
????
Yep. But explain it to him
Yep. But explain it to him how it is. His children are the financial responsibility of him and BM alone, and if they want private school SHE should be responsible for half the costs, and HE should be responsible for half the costs. Not you.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Interesting POVs
Interesting POVs everyone….thank you.
I am just anticipating what my partner would say. I have a feeling that he would say “fine, well I will pay for my son’s fees as my ex cant, if our children are going to go private as, otherwise it’s not fair”
THIS IS STILL A PROBELEM THO….
As, we (ie him and i) couldn’t afford to send our kids private and his son…it’s just not practical.
Plus, if he is going to pay all the fees for his son, then if he is trying to be fair then he should surely pay 100% of the fees for our children, right??
This attitude makes me nuts.
This attitude makes me nuts. I recall driving past a children's decorating store one day and remarking to FH, "I'd love to re-do DD's bedroom like that! Look at all the cute furniture!" And he responded, "But MY kids will never have that so it wouldn't be fair."
Um, EXCUSE ME? I worked hard to put myself through school and develop a fine career so that I would be able to afford some finer things for my kid. NOT MY PROBLEM that BM sat on her butt and lived off alimony and CS and some meagre part-time earnings with THREE kids to support.
MY kid will not suffer just because of their financial irresponsibility in having more children than they could afford. I set him straight on that point real quick.
Don't even get me started on Christmas gifts. ACH.
I couldnt agree more, life
I couldnt agree more, life isnt fair to begin with so why is it that all of a sudden that isnt fair. Some people just dont want to deal with the drama of having to explain to their kids why their half sibling or step sibling is in a better position then them.
Can't stand the attitude
Can't stand the attitude either Rusalka. As long as you're not putting anyone else in financial disarray you can provide however you want for your child.
My older brother and I didn't get near as much as our younger brother. My parents were more financially secure by the time he came around. So this happens to intact families as well.
WOW!!! some people have some
WOW!!! some people have some nerve...you have ever right to send ur childrent to whatever school you want too. You are the one that has worked your butt off to be a successful member of society. Whether his son goes to private school or not is between him and his mother you do not have any obligation what so ever to pay for his sons schooling. If she cant afford it then tough cookies as is life then he just cant go...No matter what happens HOLD YOUR GROUND!!!