The semantics are killing me...
What's wrong with calling it "visiting" when SS is VISITING?? What's wrong with saying he's a half-bro when...um..yah, that's what he IS? Our situation is very unique, in that DH and I have only ever been married to each other, and we only have our 2 young BD's together, except DH has this 14yo son from a drunken-friends-with-benefits-situation-turned-bad! A lot has gone down as to the "why" but the fact is, SS does not come to our house. DH takes his visitations every other weekend at his mother's house (so SS's grandma) where he is indulged non-stop and has no boundaries for 48+ hours and is then returned home. This has gone on for 12 years.
Our BD's know who SS is because he is at holidays etc, and now that they are 7 and 9, they have been told Some things about "Daddy's mistake" in so many words, and that SS is their half-bro and lives with his mother in his own family (with a SF and other half sibs) and that his family is not our family nor our friends and we dont really even know them. Basically they know SS is a relative on Daddy's side. Ok fine. They are not told to hate him or anything, he's just...well...a 14yo boy? Our girls could really care less.
So this arrangement where me, DH, and our BDs are a normal regular family for 12 days, then for 2 days I play single mom and DH runs off for his little mandatory slumber party at his mother's house, has worked for many years. It's not my favorite, but it's the lesser of all evils and it is what it is. I've learned to live with it. Put simply, DH refused to parent that child, so once we had our own, I just would not allow it to go on in front of my kids. So really DH "chose" this over letting me have some say in the parenting of SS in OUR home. But now that DH has chosen a sober life, he occasionally decides to blow up at ME about how "wrong" this is that SS is not "part of our family."
I had no choice but to wrap my mind around "things I could not change" for YEARS, and now all the sudden HE decides to change and I'm supposed to go back to wanting to parent that kid? After the years of damage that have been done? I told him a long time ago that I would not clean up their mess when he's a teen, and I meant it. Now that I have 2 young daughters, I especially mean it! The time and effort it would take to even TRY to turn that kid around is simply Not Worth it to me for several reasons. I will NOT throw my kids under the bus and expose them to his behaviors etc just on the off chance that he Might start to behave acceptably by my standards. He's 14! Wont these visits end soon anyways??
So my point is, I've become OK with the idea that DH is nothing more than a Disney Dad to SS or like more of a "favorite uncle" type of role (which oddly he's an amazing and involved parent to our girls? gee, no guilt!) and that if I'm totally honest, NO person could fully PARENT a child during 2 out of every 14 days visits. He admitedly hated to discipline because if he did, the child would be in trouble the entire time he was visiting. But also, SS never really shows DH his true colors either, and is in constant manipulation mode during visits, so DH doesnt even see any behavior to correct (what could go wrong when SS gets all he wants?) It might have been different if DH, BM and SS were EVER an actual family and had started something that they could continue separately, but that just wasnt the case. The whole thing started with courts, police, and restraining orders. They certainly never even tried to co-anything. It's actually a wonder how the kid was ever even conceived to begin with for the amount of hate I've witnessed. But just add drugs/alcohol, and there you have it.
So lately DH has taken issue with this term "our family" and the fact that when I say it, I mean the 4 people in our HOUSEHOLD. When he says it, he talks about people that I would basically call relatives! I come from a somewhat big family and his is extremely small. He's got 2 first cousins, and I have...18 or 20? I'd have to think about it. But in my family, we did things as a family (household) a lot, and it was just too many people to try and include aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins...seriously it would be like a hundred people. DH's ENTIRE extended family I think is like 9 people? but of course, NONE of them are just married to each other with only their kids - every single household has multiple marriages/divorces and kids with various people. All holidays have a random mix of attendees based on visitation schedules and who might be in jail at that time! His one neice just turned 17 on mother's day, and oh yah, had a baby 2 weeks before that. How nice.
Call me uppity or in denial about how "un-perfect" our "family" is...but all I want my girls to know is that there is a RIGHT way to do things, and a WRONG way, and having some random kid out of wedlock is definitely WRONG. Just look at SS - who would EVER want that life for their kid?? Does ANYONE here have this kind of setup where the SS actually IS just a VISITOR?? And you have to worry about your OWN kids over the step? Is that so wrong to call him a visitor when...that's what he is?? I just dont think it's a big deal that DH has a family without him - cuz SS has a family without DH too. Now sober DH has this guilt that he is dumping on me, and I just feel like I've been thru enough and am counting the minutes til this visitation crap ends! Although...with no boundaries at grandma's, and having DH and MIL acting like SS needs "rescued" all the damn time... I dont see it ending anytime soon. Thoughts? Similar issues??
First off, welcome to
First off, welcome to StepTalk!
I agree with you in that SS's life is not the ideal life to have.
As my mom says, "Life doesn't always go the way you plan it. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
I think that is the case for SS, BM, DH and you. SS wasn't planned by DH, and he probably wasn't planned by BM either.
I've resented my stepkids in the past, and when I say "resented" them, I mean I resented them a lot. Or, I thought they were the people I resented. It turns out that I resented the situation. Kids are a product of the environment they're raised in.
SS is just as much DH's child as your BDs. I think that is why DH feels guilt, or at least part of why he feels guilt.
It's really hard to parent a child in 2 days a month. I know- I've seen it. I went from being an every-other-weekend stepmom to a custodial stepmom. In fact, sometimes it seems impossible. The court systems need to realize that they are doing these kids no favors.
As far as having kids out of wedlock, I agree, it's not perfect, but it's been going on since the beginning of time. Plus, the fact that your DH did might have your kids asking, "if it's so bad, then why did Dad do it?" I think that, rather than teaching the kids that this is plain wrong, you can use it as an example to teach them that sometimes, people in life make different choices. That does not make them horrific choices. DH did not make a horrific choice. He made an imperfect one. We are all imperfect as humans.
Does SS know how you feel about him? I do think he misbehaves, but I think his issues stem from anger about a lot of things. Kids can really sense how others feel about them. I think that, more than anything, this kid could benefit from professional help. I really do not think SS is at fault for a lot of this. I think DH is, because he heaps all of his guilt on you.
I think that SS has some resentment because it's not his fault that DH refuses to parent him. Does he know why the visitations don't take place at your home?
I have to say, my heart goes out to you...and to SS.
One more thing- how do you
One more thing- how do you know that SS is in manipulation mode when he visits DH & MIL?
I think that, if anything, he feels bad that he can't go to his dad's home and was kicked out for something he's not responsible for (DH's bad parenting).
Hmmm...I read what you wrote
Hmmm...I read what you wrote and in some ways it reminded me of my situation...sigh. DH refused to parent his daughter for years, and in order to avoid drama w/the witch, he tried not to interfere much w/her pathetic parenting. I met her when she was only 4 and by 6 or so I told DH he either grew some and parented her even if 4 days a month or there would be no " she's coming to live w/us at 16 and prego...." He of course chose to fight me constantly for about 6 yrs, rather than fight w/crazy witch...and well, she's 15 and prego and truant and in 8th grade and probably failed once again...and well, it's not like I didn't warn him...BUT he did confess to an old friend about the situation w/her (oh MY childhood friend) and said "and I wouldn't bring her to live w/me now because it wouldn't be fair to my wife...dealing w/our autistic son, homeschooling and a prego 15yr old" and I thought...WTH? Sounds like " it's my fault he won't help her now..."
I always was nice to her but she IS my son's 1/2 sister...and yes, since BM had custody and DH pays CS to live at her house, then in our house she IS a visitor. Now if we had 50/50, that would be different, but we never did...my DH did not seem to mind much about that, although it wasn't like I reminded him of this...really no reason to discuss...
As far as the parents being married or not that is NOT the child's fault or business. DH and I were together 10yrs before we married and had a son 2 1/2 yrs after we were together...crazy witch was married to DH when she had his daughter, but 1st yr they lived apart, 2nd year she had kid, 3rd yr they separated and 4th divorced...so really he spent less time w/crazy & daughter as a "family" than me & BS...not sure how that made them a real family vs ours...There are many marriages w/kids that don't last as long as 2nd relationships w/kids...again, not sure how a piece of paper makes something a family even if it's one yr vs an 11yr+ family w/no paper...
I honestly do not think it is
I honestly do not think it is appropriate in any way to refer to your husband's son as "Daddy's mistake" or to minimize the relationship between siblings. Siblings are all we have in life once the older generation dies off.
I also think I would have similar feelings as your husband with regard to his son not being a part of the family.
I also wanted to add that no
I also wanted to add that no child should ever feel like a visitor in their own parent's home. When we are children, where our parents are is home.
tough situation.
tough situation.
Where are all the people who
Where are all the people who replied to the post called "Cant STAND my SD!"???? I love how SHE got nothing but support, but somehow all I get is bashed! Wah wah, not the SS fault..you know what? It's not Mine or my DD's faults EITHER! WE dont deserve this crap!
I have done nothing wrong to SS and I owe him nothing. This includes coming to My house, being part of My family, and benefitting from My parenting skills. Why anyone thinks that I owe him all this is beyond me. I dont even know the kid, thanks to how my DH has handled things all these years!
Whatever.....I'm tired of seeing all these other people find support, yet when I finally post, I get told how I'm the one who's wrong. When will anyone ever put MY kids first?!?!
You owe SS courtesy and
You owe SS courtesy and respect.
I agree with your DH in that his son should be able to come over to his house. Children need to know both of their families. You might think you did nothing wrong to SS, but the reality is that he's getting punished for something he didn't do. You don't know that he's in manipulation mode during his visits with DH. You don't even go to the visits! The positive to DH's seeing him at MIL's- SS doesn't have to interact with you at all.
Many people here hate their
Many people here hate their SKs. However, I can't think of any who have actually stood in the way of their husbands, Bios and SKs having a normal father/child, sibling relationship.
You're doing the exact thing many crazy BMs claim all SMs do. What you're doing, and your husband has allowed, is disgusting.
I dont owe SS anything. My
I dont owe SS anything. My DH however owes me respect in my own home. It is not punishment to SS to not come to MY house. He has his own family. He has never been a "family" with DH since he was born - ever - and that had nothing to do with me. It was due to DH being an alcoholic/addict and the fact that he never wanted a child with BM and never knew how to be a parent, and frankly, didnt care enough. DH and BM dont speak, it was ugly from the start with court battles and lies and restraining orders. This was all before I came into the picture.
When I came in, it was settled: DH and BM didnt speak, DH was barely involved, and DH's parents mostly stood in for DH's role. What I "agreed to" going in was a child-free relationship with a babysitting job every 2 weeks for 2 days. When I expected things to change, and expected DH to be a parent, was when I got shut out and told it basically wasnt up to me and I didnt get a vote. So I had no choice but to make my position clear that DH either parent that kid, or it wasnt gonna happen around me. DH keeping SS separate was HIS choice, based on MY stipulations.
I find it odd that DH can be a normal, mature, functioning husband and father to OUR kids, but cant do the same for SS because of his guilt for not wanting him in the first place. But I cannot make him change or see a different reality, and I learned in Alanon a long time ago to only take on as much as I can handle, and to accept things I cannot change. Therefore, it is what it is, whether ANYONE thinks it's "right or wrong" and I am not here to ask opinions about the facts. The FACT IS that SS and DH have a separate relationship from our family together - that part is not up for debate. My issue was "what's wrong with calling a spade a spade?"
a spade is a spade.... and i
a spade is a spade.... and i agree visiting is visiting, but i harbor shitloads of resentment towards skids.... whether it be the situation or whatever --- the resentment is there!
I see nothing wrong with with
I see nothing wrong with with your terminology. Except for maybe "daddy's mistake"...that's kinda cold. But the words "visit" or "our family"? He (DH) seriously gets pissed about that? I call my SS my kids' half brother and my DH doesn't get all butt-hurt over it.
I can relate to where you are
I can relate to where you are coming from. Similar situation except i am the dh. I can understand the fear of exposing your children to the SS whatever faults he may have and possible fall out from his BM or what have you. But what is sad is that he as well as your daughters are blood relatives. being over protective is not necessarily saving your children. You are depriving your own from their brother. at some point I hope you can let them decide. As far as your statements about "MY HOME". it is your husbands home as well and ss should at least feel comfortable there too.
good luck.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you are on this. My family was my mom, dad, myself, and my two younger brothers. My dad's family and my mom's family were people we visited in the summers. The aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.... were extended family but THE family was the 4 of us (my youngest brother passed away when he was 10mos old so though he is still a loved and remembered member of our family it was for the most part the 4 musketeers that were "family".
As close as my family was when I married the family that my bride and I formed became The family and also part of the first THE family. My brother took a different tack. He disconnected from THE family and went it with just his bride and their kids for many years until he finally realized that THE family that he and I and our parents were was a critical element of the families he and I made with our own spouses. It took a number of years for him to entirely re-integrate his family into THE family but he eventually made it back.
My bride, our kid (my SS) and my brother and SIL and their 3 and mom and dad are THE family. Our ILs are our ILs. Maybe not an equity situation but our clan is much closer than my bride is with her family or my SIL is with hers.
Wanting that for your kids and your DH makes sense to me. As far as SS, maybe you can try to start having him come for lunch one of his EOWE visitations and take it from there. That shows your DH that you are willing to give a higher level of Skid integration into your family.
It may be worth a try.
Good luck.